New here....musings about upcoming D
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| Mon, 05-15-2006 - 7:19pm |
Hello everyone,
I had been reading posts in the Living Single 30s and up board, and made me think of my situation in this way because there are many women there who have never been married and very much long for marriage and children.
I am in the process of divorcing, have been married for 12 years since I was 23, and have been unhappy in the marriage for 5 years. I have a DS for whom I tried and wanted to stay in the marriage, but realized that the environment is unhealthy for him and for me.
I am very much looking forward to being single again and enjoying my freedom and independence.
Why I titled my post this way:
-- I have been married and had a solid relationship with H for many years. We built our life together -- nice house, good jobs, nice vacations, etc. So things are no longer rosy, but BTDT and I will be less likely to long for the idea of a being married (probably the opposite). I realize that people grow and change as part of our natural development as human beings, so what was good or seemed perfect at one time does not necessarily translate into forever. This means I am not seeking a serious relationship in the foreseeable future, and won't be wondering what I missed out on as far as marriage is concerned.
-- I have a child whom I love to pieces. My flesh and blood to love and be loved by, presently and when I am old and gray. A "check" on life's to-do list.
-- Post-divorce, I will have time for myself again, a real novelty. Everything in my adult life had been about being a couple, then a family and most recently, as the spousal relationship went downhill, all about DS. For the first time in many many years, due to shared custody, I can pursue my own interests whether it is sleeping in late, watching endless reality tv shows, taking classes, going dancing or dating. Yes I do wonder about the loneliness and companionship, but I am hoping the good will outweigh the bad. As for DS, I'm sorry that he will be a product of a broken family, but a side benefit is that he will forge a stronger bond with his father with me out of the picture when they have their exclusive time, something that was always lacking.
I don't know if this post comes across as cold, cynical or insensitive -- I hope not -- because I truly don't intend it that way. But I just wonder if this "bad" situation (divorcing after a long marriage with a child in the picture) can actually be not such a bad thing in the overall scheme of LIFE. So in a way, I think I have the best of all worlds (in a compromised way).
Again, these are just my musings -- misguided or not? I would be glad to hear any comments.
Shirley

Hi, and welcome to the board! We're glad to have you.
Not at ALL. You're being honest about the way you feel. Not every aspect of divorce is tragic and horrible. There are definitely upsides. And when you've been trapped in an unhappy marriage for a long time, feelings of relief and hope are completely normal. You articultaed what many of us have felt or continue to feel.
And about your DS. An old colleague of mine once said that divorce often makes men better fathers. In my divorce, that was also the case. When we were married,
Hi Shirley.... I know, for a fact, that my kids are better off now than they were when I was miserable and married.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Raising my toast glass TWICE!
My EX is a better father now that we're divorced (it took some sculpting, but he got there).... and I'm definitely a better mom because I'm not stressed and miserable anymore.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~