new here...newly seperated 4 days

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2007
new here...newly seperated 4 days
4
Thu, 09-06-2007 - 9:58pm
Hi
I am not new to these boards, just this area of it. Needless to say I am still in shock. H and I had talked about our problems in the past..could we get through it etc. etc. On Labour Day, he woke me up, told me he wasn't happy..and didn't know what to do. I left him alone the majority of the day, I took the kids out, played ball with them, had a bit of me time, but left him alone. He started again when we went to bed. This time came out and said, he was done, didn't think our marriage could be saved and it was over. Even began talking child support, where or how we would live EVERYTHING! I have a feeling he has been thinkning this for a long time, no idea why he decided now was the best time to bring it up, but he did. I have asked if there is someone else, he keeps saying no. Tuesday i was a basket case, got the kids off to school, and then just sat in the house stunned. We have decided for now we have no option but to live int he same house with the kids because neither of us are financially able to leave. I could not afford the rent on my income.The kids will stay with me, he will pay support.
How am I to go on living like this. He went out this evening, and well seems to have no problems going out,and moving on. I am angry, and hurt, and I don't know what all. We decided it is best to tell the kids later, not right now, as I want to save them as much pain as possible. What am I to do?? I have no idea if I can keep the anger in, and pretend like there is no stress..or resentment. Any suggestions??
T
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2005
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 12:03am
I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I am also probably not a very good example on how you should be dealing with this, I am filled with much hurt, anger and resentment towards my H, that it truly does do me bad instead of good. I will say that my H tried that line on me years ago, I wish he saw it through instead of carrying on for many more years. My H used it to control me, to get me to allow him to do the things he wanted to. He instilled fear in me, something I never felt towards him before. I can't say that your H is doing the same thing, however, you did say that he went out that night as if nothing happened, did he go out like he was a single man? Did he go out without telling you where he was going, etc? My H wanted his cake and to eat too. Again, I am sorry you are going through this. Please do your best to disregard my anger, I can only tell you what has happened to me. Good luck
Rhea
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 10:03am

Almost a year ago I was in your shoes. I am exhausted, worried about the future, but still here and past the worst of it -- some day, you will be, too!

It is a stunning and appalling experience. Nothing to be done but go through it. Gather your friends and family for support and take care of the business of protecting your financial well-being and that of your children. Taking care of myself that way helped me deal with the emotional turmoil--just sorta kept swimming through it. And yes, wait to tell the kids until you have a plan for their future. This process can take a long time, although some folks move abruptly and with lightening speed -- I don't recommend that.

I am going to keep this short and just make some quick suggestions:

1. read the following books:

Uncoupling (about breakups and how one partner usually is waaay ahead of the other (your H) and how the emotional separation evolves. It will help you know what you are experiencing is a very common pattern)

Spiritual Divorce (excellent for a few months from now when you want to work on turning this tremendous loss into an opportunity for growth)

Helping your children cope with divorce (Excellent, practical book; a must read in advance of telling the children)

The truth about children and divorce (ditto above)

2. Get a lawyer

3. Get a counselor

4. Make sure you have assets, joint accounts and retirement accounts documented. Also tax returns in hand.

5. Make sure you have some savings in your own name, cc in your own name. On another board someone suggested buying yourself gift cards to the grocery store, target, etc. just in case money suddenly dried up (great idea).

6. If you aren't working (sounds like you are)--get your resume re-done; take a class toward career re-entry, start telling people you are gonna need a job.

Ok, hth. I know it is a NIGHTMARE. I know. But, you will climb through it and past it and hopefully make a new, good life and your children, if you do this well, will do as well as possible. My little ones are doing ok. It is not easy, mind you, but they are doing ok, because we are co-operating so far and dad is around alot (because I am a very very decent human being and not treating him like the &^%$ I think he is, ahem :-)).

You will survive :-).

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2007
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 1:43pm
thanks so much for the advice. I took today to drive and think for myself. I still don't know what to do. Our financial situation sucks..hence the reason we have to live in the same house right now..and don't know for how long. I hope my kids get through this ok..
Avatar for jukie33
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 09-07-2007 - 3:20pm

My living arrangements are the same. I don't want our daughter to know now that we are seperated. My heart goes out to you.


Saelee

Image hosted by Photobucket.com