New-ish. Newly filed D.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2007
New-ish. Newly filed D.
1
Sat, 11-03-2007 - 5:34pm

Hi. I posted here before...three weeks ago I told my H I wanted a D. Last week I filed. M for 9 years.


My H went off the charts, almost (literally) drank himself to death, constantly emailing and texting me, begging for a chance to work thing out. As it turned out, he didnt see this coming. We have been apart for work for a year now. Seeing each other every 3 weeks for a weekend. I just grew away from him. Lots of issues in our M that I no longer felt I needed to fix (alone). Lots of financial, trust and intimacy issues. Over several years. The M is definitely over for me and has been for a while now.


5 months ago I became really good friends with a guy at work. I thought it was just friendship. I've since learned it really was an EA. A PA started 2.5 months ago. I know, I know.


Anyway, that made me see how bad things were in my M, and gave me the courage to end the M. That puts me where I am now.


So now. my H is still begging for another chance. Still thinks there's a chance we can work it out. He started therapy for his issues, and treatment for bipolar. He wants us to go to MC. The problem is, I don't want to work it out. He cannot compete with what I have in my A - fantasy or not. And we haven't connected in so many years. I told him that there's no chance. But he still won't listen. Now, he insists on coming to see me every weekend to "talk" and it always gets really emotional.


I now see him mending a little physically and mentally, and I see that he will live through this. But how do I really convince him that its over? The fact that he is hanging on is prolonging the pain, IMO. He doesn't know about my A, and I have no intention of telling him, but he keeps asking what it is that has such a tight hold on me that I won't even give him a chance? I sometimes think if I told him about the A he would see that there's no chance any longer, but I also know that would hurt him so much more.


Any ideas, advice? Should I just refuse to see him? I feel like he needed my help and support to get him through what happened when he almost died, but now I think seeing him is just stopping him from moving on. It was so painful to tell him that there was nothing we could work on, that it was over. I can't bear the thought of telling him again. But he clearly didn't hear it the first time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 7:53pm

Oh god, I could have written your post.


Only my husband cheated on me twice, the last time he left me for her.