New-Just need to get this off my chest..

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006
New-Just need to get this off my chest..
9
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 2:32pm

Hi everyone, I'm new to this board, but not to Ivillage. I figured I could vent here since everyone here can relate on some level.

A little history about me. Married 2x (divorced 2x) First ex is great, second ex is why I'm venting. I have two girls 14 and 4 (soon to be 15 and 5). They are my world and I work very hard to make sure they are healthy and happy. They live with me, and I'm a working mom.( aren't we all) I have one child from each marriage.

Ok, on to my rant. I am finishing up on a 2 year (10K)fight with my second ex (lovingly called meathead)on visitation (or shall I say his lack there of)schedules. There is so much background I couldn't possibly fit it all in one post. The thick of it is, every so often, i google his name to see what pops up..Since doing that, i have found out that he has sold his company(which he started), is enrolled in ANOTHER college( he already has is MASTERS, thanks to me)going for his doctorate I'm sure, bought a 3k telescope, has put up his summer home for rent during the summer, bought a new car, and is BELIEVE IT OR NOT, crying poor mouth!!!!!! This burns my a$$ beyond belief!! He owes me over 2k in child support(which by the way he doesn't feel he should pay) Has ruined my credit, and owes me another 1k in lawyers fees!!
How the hell do people get away with sh*t like this!?!?! I'm a hard working, going by the books person, who just wants what is owed to me. I do not want a percentage of his company (which by the way would have sold for over 1MILLION), I just want what he OWES ME!
He is constantly coming up with excuses of why he can't come visit his daughter that he now lives only 45min away from (V.s the 6hr drive). They have been from 'not enough gas', to my cousin gets annoyed when she's around'. I on the otherside of it, is left with dealing with a little girl who is heartbroken when she doesn't get a return phone call from her father for 2 days, OR doesn't talk to him or see him for over 5 weeks at a time!!!
This angers me, and believe it or not, there is nothing I can do to require him to come visit his daughter. Isn't that a shame?? There should be something said for fathers who show little or NO interest in their childrens lives UNLESS it's convienient for them!!!
AGRRGH!
I appologize to anyone if I've offended. I'm just trying to get rid of this and move on. I figured that here would be a good place to start.

ANy and all opinions will be so appreciated.

Lisa

boston.png Boston Girl image by EmmaLee192

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2006
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 3:42pm

Hi Lisa, I'm afraid all I can do is commiserate with you. My ex never shows any interest in our girls. For example he was in town from Friday afternoon till this afternoon and staying at his parents place - exactly 5 minutes away from us. It was our 7 yo dd 1st communion yesterday. He has been working out of province for the last 6 weeks and hasn't seen them at all during that time. So, does he come by to see them as soon as he gets home - NO! He comes by to see them for (no exaggeration) 10 minutes on Sat afternoon, and then arrives 1 minute before mass on Sun. He didn't even show up to dd's party afterwards. He left this afternoon. I have no idea when he'll see them again. I am so angry I could spit! I really hoped that he would step up to the plate.

Sorry to have hijacked your post, I just wanted to let you know, I can relate. I also agree that there should be some sort of way to "make" them see their children. The really sad party is that our 2 yo is already become indifferent to him. She has seen so little of him, I don't think she really even notices. The 7 yo really notices :-(

Trudy

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2006
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 4:16pm

SO glad someone can relate to me!!!! Thanks Trudy! It's so frustrating to think that they are right around the corner, and have absolutely NO interest in seein their children! It just floors me!! And not to mention attend their communion!!! my god. It disgusts me really.
I really do think that there should be some sort of consequence (Besides leaving emotional scars on their children) that they have to face if not adhering to the visitation schedule.

With my X, the sick part is that he thinks he's are WONDERFUL Father!! HA! I could throw up.
It's like, either sh*t or get off the pot with visitation. Either do it, or DON"T. But don't put the kids in the position of developing abandonment issues. My 4 1/2 yr old tell me all the time, Mommy, Daddy breaks my heart, he makes me sad and mad..I miss him so much. How can any mother stand to hear that?!? Ya know? AND, not for nothin, but she has told him over the phone that she is mad and sad,and that he breaks her heart. And all he says is "oh, your sad?" hmmm,m...I wanted to pull the phone from her and say NO MEATHEAD, she said YOU make her sad.. there is a difference. He will NEVER validate her feelings...I could kill.But he's not worth my effort or jail time. This is what I get for marrying a man who hates women.

I bet your little one has become indifferent to him. My DD did the same thing, until I said, you better start visiting her or she will forget about you, and not want to see you. As it is now, she wants to see him, but when he comes, she is hesitant. It's a horrible roller coaster ride of emotions for my little one. Your 7 yr old will and probably is smart enough to know exactly who dad is. They are so smart.

I try to tell myself, in the end, what he sows is what he will reap. Karma is a beautiful thing. Sometimes it works, others, like today, just doesn't cut it. ;)

I think for the most part, I am hyper sensitive because tomorrow I am heading back up to Maine for court and the finality of it all is just getting to me...I HATE courts, and will have to stand trial on this one.. Does anyone have a nice valium ?? Lol.. Kidding of course..(Maybe not.. ;) )
Lisa

boston.png Boston Girl image by EmmaLee192

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2006
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 7:30am

I agree that it feels so good to have have someone really understand what I am going through with x. Like your x mine thinks he's a wonderful father also, yet he has never been alone with the girls for more than 2 hours - EVER!!

Anyway, glad to have met you, I hope we can commiserate again sometime :)

Good luck in court today Lisa. Is it x related?

Trudy

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Tue, 05-16-2006 - 9:26am

Dealing with the STBX during divorce settlement is one long bite in the butt.

You can control yourself and maintain yourself as an example of adult behaviour for your kids. They may not say it now, but they are aware of what's going on .

My ex-wife did the similar things to me. I supported her through her phd, paid for her kids, paid for her legal battles with her ex (50K on legal alone). I DID the technical work on her phd because she was unable to (four years of advanced computational fluid dynmaics software and visualization). She got the house and half of my retirement plan, mainly because she had been squirreling away money to private accounts since the day we got married.

That was six years ago.

Now, she has a cracked vertibrae and purtured disk in her neck which is extremely painful. She broke a vertibrae and ruptered a disk in her lower back, had surgery, and the surgery, while technically correct, has left her nearly crippled. She found out prior to surgery that she has Lupus, and possible MS and she'll be entering auto-immune suppression therapy soon. And she's about to be terminated from her place of employment.

What goes around comes back around.

Be the best person you can be so your kids have a living example of what a good, responsible and functioning adult is!

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 11:22am

Hi Lisa.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 11:34am

Hi, and welcome to the board!


I think many of us can relate to your situation. My ex is also crying poor and saying that I did it to him. Did I tell him to go out and buy a 300k house that he can't afford? No.......did I tell him to take a vacation to Miami and overspend? No.....but I digress...


Fortunately, my ex is a very active father. However, he wasn't until we divorced. I recently read a book that talks about the divorce-activated father syndrome. This syndrome is about men who weren't really active in their children's lives before, but suddenly become super dad when a divorce happens. But in the end, I realize that is a million times better for our son than being ignored....as long as he keeps it up. I can't image how hard it would be to have a dad that doesn't show or pay support.


Your ex's reasons for lack of visitation are very pathetic. I'm sorry you have to go through this.


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 11:44am
EXACTLY.... I was telling a girlfriend how my "guy friend" took off work for a week, and spent the entire time with his 2 kids.

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 11:53am
Oh, believe me, as much as my ex annoys me, I am very glad he decided to step up to the plate and be a dad now. I just sometimes wonder where the heck he was for the previous 11 years! But hey, better late than never ;)




Follow me to my partner in the siggy exchange....


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 05-17-2006 - 11:58am
AMEN to that!

Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~