new member/question about dvorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2006
new member/question about dvorce
10
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 3:24am
I'm so torn about the divorce I'm about to go through. Most of the problems were my fault, part of me really wants to move on, part of me feels so badly for all the hurt I've caused. My husband is such a good friend and dad. My question is how in the world do I break this news to my family and friends. We've been married for 12 years and have four children. We are the last people that anyone would think this would happen to. I feel like a failure. Everyone we know is married. I don't know how to tell everyone, or why it matters so much to me. I feel like I will be letting everyone down,somehow. Everyone thinks we are the "perfect couple", and until 2 years ago, we were. Any help would be appreciated.
Thnaks
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 7:06am
Wow your post could have been me writing two years ago!! Incredible. I also have 4 kids and nobody would have guessed that we would end up the way we did. Telling my parents was really difficult and I didn't tell them until after he had moved out. I basically broke the news to one person (my mother) and told her that I couldn't handle any judgement right now and I needed support and then broke the news. It's surprising how quickly people come around and the one that don't support you are the ones that you don't want in your life to begin with.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 12:47pm

I felt the exact same way!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 2:59pm

"My husband was happy..... he was doing his thing, and as long as I took care of the kids, the bills, the house, the laundry, he thought things were peachy!... And who wouldn't!"

Lucky, that sounds exactly like my ex. I was the one that struggled to make sure things were taken care of at home and the bills were paid. If he didn't have enough money in his business account to bring home a paycheck he didn't worry. I was the one that had to lie awake at night worrying about feeding the kids! We fought constantly.

I think the last straw was when I was pregnant and working 45 hours a week and when I asked him to help out with the cleaning on the weekends his response was "it's not a priority right now"! From there on I was just biding my time until I could finish my education and get out.

Now he's got a new girlfriend and he's basically doing the same thing he did to me. He's back to his old ways of looking for cheap women on the side and not making any effort to move foward and have a good future.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 4:10pm

My last straw was when we came home one afternoon (me and the kids) and the TV was on, and my then, 10 year old son says, in a very exasperated tone, "well, I see daddy have been home again today watching TV and he went off and left the TV on."


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2006
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 4:31pm

Thankyou so much for your thoughtful and intelligent response. It really helps me. I wish I could have a whole group of people physically with me as I told people!!! I'm sure as this goes on, I'll have much more to post!
Thankyou so much!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2006
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 4:35pm
You know, I keep telling myself, if they can't support me, I don't need them, but it's so hard to think of being judged by loved ones. Isn't bad enough that strangers are so judgemental. To be judged by your family and friends, and to know you're the topic of their conversation, that's hard!
How old were your four kids ? How is it being single with four kids? Do you have any time for you? I'm still selfish enough to like time for me once in a while!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Fri, 07-14-2006 - 6:05pm

The way I see it nursigirl is that whomever doesn't "approve" will just have to get over it. It's amazing the amount of people that don't approve that are miserable in their own marriages.

I won't say single parenting is easy because it's not. It takes time for everyone to adjust and I've had some hard times with attitudes and stress. My ex was jealous that I found my "dream job" and tried to do what he could to make it difficult for me to work.

I work 12 hour shifts 7 a- 7 p (3 days a week, one weekend a month) and my ex and I share custody of the kids. He has them Monday & Tues and I have them Wed and Thurs with every other weekend alternating. I end up with 5 days off every other week. It's nice. I'm usually working part of it. My boss tries to make sure that I have Wednesdays and Thursdays off so I only have to worry about who is picking them up every other Friday. My sister usually will help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2006
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 12:26am
That's a good arangement. How old are they? I work 12 hours too. Are you a nurse too? He works shift work in law enforcement, so we've always worked opposite. I'm not worried about him having the kids, more the grief from those who can't be supportive.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Sat, 07-15-2006 - 6:40am

Yes I'm a nurse as well. My kids are 16,14,12 and 8. When our divorce process first started he was so gung ho about making sure that he wasn't just going to have the kids every other weekend, he wanted 50-50 custody. Once he got a girlfriend though all of a sudden my job schedule was "interfering with his personal life".

Don't worry about what other people are saying, they aren't living your life and they'll get over it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 07-16-2006 - 9:45am