New but need opinions...am I out of line
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| Thu, 06-16-2005 - 3:45pm |
to be upset...here is the short situation. I have been separated over a year and have sole custody of our 3 kids, ages 12, 9 and 5. STBX is allowed "liberal and reasonable visitation" as it suits our schedules. He didn't ask for any custody and wouldn't agree to a set schedule for visitation, so it's really whenever it's convenient to him. Since we separated, he moved to NJ (I live in SC) and has seen the kids rarely, maybe once a month. They talk by phone maybe 2 times a week. He also is not paying his child support. Still, because I am sure it is best for our kids, I try and maintain a civil relationship. It's wearing thin with a lot of my family because they are helping me financially while I work 2 jobs and have not pursued legal action against him, and I am finally at the point of calling DSS to have the child support order enforced. I actually placed the call yesterday. But that's not my question, just a little background, and hopefully you can understand how my STBX likes having things on HIS terms, you know, see the kids when it's convenient, support them when it's convenient...
So here is the issue. Last night dd (12) informed me Daddy would be coming into town around midnight (last night that is). So he's been here all day, probably sleeping or with his gf, who by the way lives across the street from me and the kids. Has yet to call. But I would imagine he plans on having them for Father's Day and maybe the whole weekend. But he has yet to call us, or check if it IS actually convenient. For all he knows, I have plans with them all weekend, yet he spent the $$ on a plane ticket, which could have paid some of the over $6,000 he's in arrears. So on one hand, I know they really miss their father and want to see him, but on the other hand what's REALLY in their best interest long term is his being forced to pay his child support and communicate with me regarding visitation. I feel like the only way to force the issue, is to not make them available without plans being made ahead of time. Except that only hurts them, and me, since I almost never get that much needed break from being responsible 24/7. Even though they always come home from his visits tired, hungry and filfthy, at least for a few hours or days I am me and not just somebody's mom.
I guess I know what I'll end up doing but it just makes me so angry that it's always at his convenience without any thoughts for mine! Or the kids. So I guess I answered my question, which was, should I tell him no you can't have them this weekend, or give in like always and be gratefull for my few hours of freedom (I am working ALL weekend so basically they will be doing NOTHING otherwise).
Nice to meet you all...I guess this didn't end up being the "short situation" I thought it would be!

Well, my visitation is set, but saying "and any other times mutually agreed upon"... but changes or cancellations to the set visit schedule have a 48 hour notice clause... it can be whatever is reasonable to you.
He sounds irresponsible, to me.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
You can be civil and still enforce the cs order. If he thinks that is being 'uncivil' and uses it as an excuse to express anger about the situation, then he's the one with the problem not you.
I think this is a grey area. If it were me, I think I'd let him see the children this time, but then I'd send a certified letter and cc my attorney that there has to be some kind of advanced notice prior to his visits, and that you let him see them with no notice this time for the children's sake, but next time you are not going to be blind sided like that. I think since he lives out of state, 2 weeks notice is reasonable. Does your order say anything about notice?
Well, I just came home from work and was informed that he will be picking them up tomorrow afternoon for the weekend, but is picking up the littlest (5 yo ds) in the morning to buy him some new X-Box games. I called his cell and told him a little notice would be nice. He responded that he's coming into town for Father's Day, like I was an idiot for not anticipating it. I said that's fine but it would be nice if I knew ahead of time, and asked when he's picking up and dropping off. One has a friend sleeping over and another is sleeping at a friend's house, so I need to know. He said well I'll get them in the morning and keep them until Sunday or something like that. What the H*** does "something like that" mean!!
As far as the cs order, when we went into court I had a WAY stronger case including proof of adultery with my neighbor, and the fact that his apt. cost 30% more than our mortgage, and yet didn't have bedrooms for the kids! I asked for full custody with a standard every other weekend schedule, he offerred me full custody and said he couldn't take all 3 kids for weekends but hoped I would allow "reasonable and liberal visitation", which I had to agree to. He also didn't want to EVER have all 3 at the same time, because "it's too difficult because they fight when they're all together" Hello, welcome to PARENTING! Also, I had been a SAHM for 12 years and all of our marital debt with the exception of our house was in my name. The judge made me keep the debt and also continue to pay our health insurance, but he was supposed to pay cs in an exorbitant amount. Even the DSS worker had never seen such a high order. I knew it was unreasonable and even verbally agreed with my ex to accept a lower amt as long as it was consistent. Of course it hasn't been.
The order only says I should get 24 hours notice, but at the time we lived about 10 miles apart so the situation was different. As much as I want the kids to maintain some relationship with him I think you are right and I will of course let them see him for Father's Day but make it extremely clear that I will not be blindsided again.
Thanks for your advice!
It's too bad the 24 hour notice doens't have to be in writing, it might make him give you a drop off time instead of saying just sometime Sunday. Are you supposed to stay at home all day Sunday waiting for them to show up? I would be as business like as I could. Don't expect him to give you a better idea of the time because it would be nice, tell him you *need* to know so you can be home (appealing to his logic, not his kindness). If he won't give you a time, then tell him you plan to be home at 7pm so hopefully it's not before that. That should get him to make up a time. Of course he could say 2pm and not show up until 7pm just be a jerk. Is there anyway to make him meet you somewhere? Say you'll be out with friends and if it's 2pm, then pick some place not too far but not too close to home to exchange them? It's so easy to just not show up at your house. It's a little harder to not show up at the designated meeting spot where he knows you won't just sit patiently fuming for hours in your car if he doesn't show up.
If you do write him the letter, make it sound like you are doing him a favor. You need the notice so you don't plan anything that would interupt his time with the children, you need the notice so you can be home vs. out of town, you need notice so the visitation can happen at all. Also point out that since he has to by a plane ticket in advance, it should not be any burden to let you know about a planned trip (again attempting to appeal to his logic) Then next time if he pulls the last minute stunt again, you can invent a mini out of town trip or something and say, well I'm so so sorry, but I didn't have enough notice and now it's too late to cancel our plans. You'll get your way and appear completely reasonable doing it. Of course it could backfire, he could try to file contempt and enforce the 24-hour notification rule. But since it's not in writing, how would he prove he notified you at all? I wish there was an inexpensive way for you to get an attorney and go into court and get an order for a week or two week advance notification. 24-hour notice seems extreme.
The 24 hour notice was fine when we lived nearby, although usually he would just call and say do any of the kids want to come spend some time with me. Rarely would he take all 3 because like I said before, they are kids and do fight, and his apt. here is small and unless they could swim or go out on his boat they get bored there fast without their things. Also, the overnight visits were few and far between, and yes he did always just assume I would be here when he was done. Once he took the boys who are 9 and 5 overnight and my dd was spending the night with a friend, and I wasn't here in the morning when he tried to bring them home (at 7:30am) and he just called my cell, told me they were home alone, and left them here! I wasn't far, had polished off a few bottles of vino with a friend and didn't want to drive home, but had to get up bright and early and drive home anyway.
Last time he gave me a *little* more notice but I had family in from out of town and he had to give up an entire day of his weekend. You'd think if you only get to see your kids one weekend a month you'd try and be sure you can actually have the whole weekend!!
The sad part is, he isn't malicious, just self-absorbed and lacking the ability to see things from a different point of view than his own. Two weeks after he moved out (March 2004) his GF, who lives across the street from me, left her husband and moved in with him. I was furious because he *claimed* he wanted to take the kids for weekends but I wouldn't allow it since she was living there and they knew her as a)married to someone else b)my "friend" and c)she had abandoned her then 15yo dd to stay across the street from us with her STBX, who was abusive and harrassed me, and obviously wasn't someone I wanted to have any influence over my kids. (First you may remember my story from the single mother and dating board.) He was astonished that I didn't have empathy for a battered woman who was trying to get out of a bad marriage. So anyway, I honestly don't think he means to be a jerk, it just comes off that way. Nonetheless, I need to protect my kids and my sanity...I'm due a visit with my atty to check the progress of our divorce which was postponed April 15, so I will see what I can do about forcing the issue of the notice. It's really too bad we can't just communicate between us, but I guess if we could we probably wouldn't be in this situation!
Thanks for your input, you always have very grounded, well thought out advice on what are really emotionally charged issues.
Yes I do remember your story, I just couldn't remember from which board :)
If you are right about his non-payment issue and being arrested, that is just plain dumb. He can't escape that forever. As if your life isn't hard enough already, he has to be behind on cs and then give you no notice that he's coming on top of that.
If the divorce isn't final, and you have the opportunity to change the 'notice' clause, I would do it too. You may not be able to appeal to your ex's reason, but you can appeal to the attorney's and the judge. If you can explain why you need the notice (to make sure you will be around and he will actually have access to the children, and so you know when the visit will end) and more importantly, that he should have the ability to give you the notice since he has to plan ahead and buy a ticket so a week ahead of time is more than reasonable, how could they object? I'm assuming of course the judge is reasonable like you. Some are.
I would think the cs issue could be dealt with when you go to court for divorce, couldn't it? I don't know because I didn't have to go to court for mine. But it makes sense that they could make note of it and determine what can be done to get him to pay.