New & Seriously Considering Divorce
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| Tue, 03-15-2005 - 9:23pm |
Hi Everyone.
I never thought I would be on a divorce support board, but here goes...
My husband and I began dating while we were still in high school. We were crazy about each other and couldn't wait to spend the rest of our lives together. We have always had problems communicating, but it always seemed to work out for us. After I graduated college and almost 5 years of dating, we were married. We eloped because of ongoing problems with MIL. My husband has always stood up for me though. We got pregnant 6 mos later and bought our first home right after that. We have a 22 month old son and our second child is due in September. I don't know when the last time I felt like I was in love with him and it seems like ages since I felt even the slightest bit attracted to him. Sex feels like torture-something to get through. I never feel like being close with him and I feel so turned off. He acts like nothing is wrong and refuses to get marriage counseling. He says we don't need it but we do. I feel bad that I feel this way so I constantly pick fights with him trying to push him away and I think it may be starting to work. He has been a great father and provider and he always comes straight home from work to help out with our son. We, on the other hand, are falling apart. Over time we seem to have lost respect for one other and speak to each other horribly. I just don't know how to make things right. I feel like I will never be attracted to him again. I am only 25 and I think,"is this all there is?" My husband maintains that he loves me me than ever...blah, blah, blah. We have been out alone together maybe three times since our son was born and each time ended in fights. I am feeling so alone and unhappy that I have developed a small crush on my attractive ob/gyn. Isn't that terrible? There was a time where I thought I could never be attracted to another man the way I was to my husband, but that too, has changed. My husband and I have been married three years and together 8.
What in the world should I do? I don't even know what to ask a divorce lawyer. I shoud mention that I am a sahm mom right now but I could find a job fast if I need too. I feel bad about the thought of putting my toddler and future newborn in daycare. I don't want to stay for the kids but I also don't want them to grow up seeing us unhappy and fighting all the time. If anyone has advice, I would appreciate it.
Thank you,
J

I might get whacked here, but what the heck...
Can you sit your Husband down one more time and tell him how you are feeling and that you are serious to the point of considering ending your marriage? If that doesn't wake him up, nothing will. Perhaps you could get him to go to a counselor once where you can say how serious the troubles in your marriage are?
You are pregnant, hormones are raging (I've been there). Please don't make any rash decisions.
Good luck to you.....
I was at the point you are about 2 or 3 years ago. STBX would not go to counseling, so I bought the book Relationship Rescue by Dr. Phil. The book helped a lot. I was able to identify unrealistic expectations I had, and the things I had done to contribute to the problems. Unfortunately this was not enough, but it might work for you. Another book I bought was How One of You Can Bring The Two Of You Together. I didn't read a whole lot of this book, the exercises in both books are similar.I don't remember the author and at this point most of my books are packed. I am sure you can do a search on Amazon and find it. They also have several other books with the same topic.
Don't give up. I now have so much peace because I know that I did everything in my power to try and save the marriage. You cannot make anyone do anything. You can only control how you react.
P.S. If he won't go to counseling, consider going by yourself. This is finally what I did and it has helped tremendously.
Amber
Yes, my hormones are in an uproar now. I wouldn't even know where to look for a marriage counselor. My husband likes to pretend nothing is wrong and I am unhappy because I am an unhappy person. I confided to him that I was unsure how I felt about this pregnancy because I had a miscarriage a few weeks before this baby was conceived and know he throws it in my face every chance he gets. I told him that I will never tell him how I feel about anything again. He also loves to "pretend" fight by throwing my sons toys at me and "play" fighting me even though I tell him to stop. When I've had enough, I will hit him as hard as I can. I hate his guts right now and his mother is even worse. She tries to buy my 2 yr. olds life and spoils him rotten. For exampe, I told her that I was cutting back on all the junk food because it is unhealthy for him. So behind my back she gives him candy, potato chips and soda. She's also taken it upon herself to try to schedule doc appointments for him and has been calling herself mommy around him. So I limit her contact now and I don't leave her unsupervised with him. Why does life have to be so unfair? I don't have my family to help me and maybe this is why MIL plays her games. I've told my husband that I would consider divorcing him just to get away from her. I feel trapped.
You sound depressed. Whether it's the result of your hormones or some other chemical inbalance or perhaps just outright despair, I don't know. But, you need to first find out if it's something organic. If it's not, seek couselling for your own sake.
I will pray for you.
glammie
glammie . . . .
Hi J.
Well... let me first say that I was 4 months pregnant with our second child when my husband left me for another woman.
Now I know our situations are different, but you HAVE GOT TO look at the bigger picture. Do you want to be alone, pregnant and raising your son on your own? You have to ask yourself if it will be easier if you left the situation and you have to ask yourself if the feelings you are feeling ( while you are pregnant ) are worht ending your marriage over.
It is so hard once you have children to maintain that "freshness" that you have when you don't have children. Times alone are TOUGH and your lives become more routine rather than spontaneous.
Sometimes we get in a "funk".... we are depressed because we think our lives are terrible. We do the same thing everyday and we LONG for the different things that we "used to do". Counceling is the answer. YOU need to talk to someone on your own.
jcg
Do you know that it is a natural progression to "fall out of love" with your spouse? It is a common stage of marriage in which many people feel they love their spouse, but are not "in love". If you can get through this phase with some help from a professional or by reading support material, you may keep your marriage and family in tact. Believe it or not, you can come out on the other side, feeling in love again and happy you did not make the decision to disolve your marriage.
There are lots of books to read on this subject - I found Divorce Remedy extremely useful, (as well as the website, divorcebusting.com - there is a very active message board there too) and another book that I like is The Five Love Languages.
I hope this has been helpful. You are thinking of taking a giant step. You should at the very least be prepared for what is ahead of you to avoid any pitfalls.
Annie
Angelena-
That is exactly how I am feeling! Dissatisfied with everything! I am sorry your husband left. You must have felt afraid and very alone and here I am talking about my annoyance with my husband! I would like to get couseling. I guess I'll have to go alone. I feel like we have said so many things to each other that can never be taken back. We have never had affairs or anything like that but words can cut almost as deep. I am ashamed to admit that I might be depressed. Some people think that people who suffer from depression are playing victims or they just need to "snap out of it". I love my son so much but I feel like I am missing out on life sometimes. Every day is the same as the last. I wanted a sibling for my son eventually but my husband really pushed for a second baby. I got pregnant right away and was devastated when I miscarried. I couldn't talk to my husband about it because he wanted to pretend like it never happened. I got pregnant immediately after that and I don't know how to feel about it. I want to be excited but I can't yet. I am also afraid the new baby will strain our marriage even more. I feel lost. How do I find a good counselor, marriage or otherwise?
Thank you,
J.
Thank you Annie. I hope this feeling doesn't last much longer. I will get some books to read.
J.
To find a good cousnelor, call your health insurance company. Most health insurance covers 20 or 52 weeks per year counseling and they will have a list. When I did this my insurance company had a website. I could see the qualifications (PhD vs. MA or MS) and where they went to school, I chose to contact PhDs because the first person I went to was only an MA and she was horrible. I figured I'd do better with someone who had more training, and I was right.
Counseling will help you tremendously. Even if your husband won't go, you can make a difference in how you communicate and counseling can help you disrupt the patterns you have in your marriage and possibly establish newer healthier ones (something that will be necessary if you do divorce too, because communication is the key factor in having a good co-parenting relationship). Counseling will help you more easily identify unhealthy situations and more importanly, help you do something about them. Counseling is important whether you stay married or not, because you have children and you are going to have this man in your life either way... and also because if you do move on, you will need to know how to identify a healthy individual and have a healthy adult relationship with someone else, and that is no small feat.
As far as the game playing with your MIL - it takes two to play. You are both vying for control. You tell her about cutting out junk food, she feeds him junk food, you cut her out of his life, she tries to get him to call her mommy. Just let her do whatever she does and work on not reacting to her. My dd gets junk food when she's with her dad. First it was yogurt with sprinkles (why the sprinkles?, she eats yogurt just fine without them), then it was cookies in her lunch, and now I've been finding candy bars in there! For lunch! She's 4!!! Sigh. You know what I do about it. I feed her lots of veggies and fruit when she's with me and really limit the deserts. I don't control what he does, but I can counteract it on my parenting time. And I try to teach dd that she doesn't need candy so she will reject it herself. If you could get your son to tell his grandma she's grandma, not mommy, wouldn't that work better than you trying to get her to change? Your son knows who his mommy is, right? So who cares what she says. You've got bigger problems than that. Plus, if you do end up divorced you will not be able to dictate that she have supervised visitation with your son, you will lose all control over what happens when the children are with dad. So now would be a good time to let go a little bit.
Your MIL's negative influences do not need to be controlled unless she's putting your son in physical danger. I really don't want my dd eating candy bars, but I know her relationship with her father is more important than a candy bar, she needs him in her life and she needs his love. Your son will grow up and see his grandma for who she really is, you just have to let that happen.
I understand completely where you are coming from.
I think it is definitely