New, trying to cope

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2005
New, trying to cope
4
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 7:25pm
I am 27 years old. I had been married for 9 years, we had 3 children together, 9,7,and 5. My situation is unique, in some ways. I am going through this mostly on my own. I do have one close friend, that has experienced some of my trials and she has been my comfort through this. I have not told my family yet, and until I do that, I cannot tell anyone else. Keeping this secret has been a burden too difficult to bear, and i feel it breaking me down. Playing the part of being happy and healthy has been eating me away inside. Sometimes I feel like I am just going to lose it, and scream of what he has done to me and how horrible of a person he really is. Holding this secret inside is just too much. The sooner I face the reality of things, the sooner I will be free.
I have survived a teen pregnancy in my senior year of high school, married that dec. , then married for 5 years and 2 more children later when we went through the damage of the first affair. After serious counseling, supposed reconciliation and a "desire" from him to make it work, a year and a half later, and serious financial consequences from the affair, we seemed to be making progress. Last May , after the continuous feeling that something was wrong, he told me he had had 3 more affairs with 4 women over the past year. (yes 4 not 3 , you get it) I gave my ultimatums, he continued to claim he wanted to fix things , we went through more serious counseling and self discovery on my part, and ups and down of his "efforts" to repair. Then again, Last November after a trip together sans the kids, and that same feeling, he told me again that he had another affair almost immediately after his last "confession" in May. Having enough of his poison , sent him packing. We were seperated for a month, him having hardly any time with his kids and he claims he wants to work things out and repair the damage and have his family back. So he moved back in. Two months later , no progress, no improvement and HE claims HE is unhappy. Having enough, I agreed to divorce. Now I am trying to get through day by day, step by step.
I dont know what is the most difficult, getting over the idea that no matter how wonderful of a wife I was, and how forgiving and patient and perfect I was, that he was never satisfied with my best, OR the fact that I have been through an entire marriage, kids and all, and the thought of having a successful relationship in the future, having experienced all I have , I fear of never happening. I feel like I am used up. That men my age are either still single which couldnt possibly relate to most of my life or have the desire to accept my already existing "family", or divorced for a REASON. Being content with being alone is not something I want to do, yet having hope of not being alone seems unrealistic also.
Feeling so clouded and not myself I have a hard time being happy. Luckily our children are not phased by this and they even think its cool that daddy has his own place they get to visit. (He traveled half the year for the past 3 years for his sport, so they are used to his absence)
I want to get through this being a better person than I have , or am right now. Just need to hear thoughts from other going through the heartache I am experiencing. It's nice to find this board, and I apologize for sounding like a downer, but I do go through my cycles of feeling better . Today is just one of those days. I hope I get to know more of you and possibly be a support to you.
---Kayla
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Fri, 03-11-2005 - 10:34pm

Hi Kayla !

Welcome to the board. We are here for what ever is on your mind so feel free to say whatever is on your mind.

Do you have any close relationships with any family members? I know my Mom is my rock. She has been behind me no matter what. Have you thought about counseling just for yourself?

I know this board is very helpful, especially when you just need to vent. It sounds to me like your STBX is never going to change. I think you are doing the right thing.Nothing is wrong with you here. He seems to have a severe case of wonder lust.

When the time is right you will find the right person for you. You are still very young and I'm sure there are plenty of respectible men out there somewhere. I know I managed to find one. Just because he may possibly be divorced doesn't mean he is bad. His relationship could have been the opposite.

Don't give up ,there really is light at the end of the tunnel.

**HUGS**
K:-}

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 5:36pm

Dear Kayla,
I feel you have to take all this one step at a time.

first, you need to face your feeling for this man. In any way you look at it, he is and he will be important in your life, and you need to make something out of it if you want to get anywhere. Your history is impressive, but in no way shameful! whatever happened in the past, you did your best, you lived through to the fullest. 3 kids! lucky you. It will be tough, but it is also a wonderful thing.
Second. separation anxiety. here, you need to stop fearing what other will think. you need to tell your family and friends - if they will judge you, if they don't help you, at least you will know where to stand. You have done nothing wrong, and even if you did, you still deserve respect and help. you are right thinking that he is not going to change now - not unless something dramatic happens in his life. Who knows? he may be better in his next marriage, but in this one he is a rotten husband, one you cannot live with, one that is disrespectful and scary.
Third, no more worrying about the next relationship. It will happen. You are sooooo young! I wish I walked out at your age... but it is not only about that. In fact, whether or not there will be another relationship is irrelevant. This relationship cannot continue, indipendently from whatever will happen in the future. Look ahead, and settle into a new life. Luckily, the kids are OK... you will be fine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sat, 03-12-2005 - 7:26pm

honey, feel better - *I* am 37, just divorcing & am DYING for at least one sibling for my 5yr old dd! I have WAY less time than you & WAY less "avaliable men" my age! But thats not either of our issues right now, imho.

At this point, you need to work on your self esteem. Nothing ***YOU*** did made him do what he did. He is a spineless louse who let his sexual needs & childish fantasies overide his responsiblity as a husband, AND as a father. You dont need him.

You have a whole life ahead of you at 27. Hang in there ... life is GOOD! R~

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 7:19am

Welcome to the boards!


First off let me say how sorry I am. Hugs to you for dealing with this for so long.


It is never easy dealing with infidelity. It does feel like we failed somewhere, even though we were perfect. I think your best bet is to move on. Yes it will be hard, but it does get better. You won't be able to trust, you won't be able to love him as you once did after all that he has done to you.


It is time you did what is right for YOU. Think about it.... would YOU be happy if he came home again? would YOU want him back as your husband after he cheated SO MANY times? Take care of YOU, mommy.......


We are always here if you need to talk.


Hugs,


Angelena