newbe...Is the rage normal

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
newbe...Is the rage normal
3
Mon, 08-29-2005 - 12:07pm
I have been reading and lurking on ths site for a while, I 've also posted several responses but never shared my story. If you want to read that story here is the link (http://www.heartchoice.com/forums/read.php?f=1&i=2908&t=2908#reply_2908). The very short version is I was married for 3 years to a cumpulsive liar and just this june I caught my wife in a affair. I probably should be happy for this taking place and allowing me to finaly be able to make a decision on the marriage, but I find myself in so much intense rage. I am constantly wanting to do something to them and I'm having a hard time ever believing I will be happy again. I guess I shouldn't be reading the affair support board either, but I am finding it addictive and cannot get over how reality is so depressing. I can't believe I've had such a disneyland view of life and this web site is so terrifying. I am alone in Atlanta and this city never seemed so big. I'm thinking that I'm just going through a phase and as long as I stay away from their relationship I will calm down. The thing is.... I was over to drop off my 2 year old son at her new apartment one morning and I seen the other mans car outside. I wanted to grab my gun so bad and do something stupid that I parked the car around the corner and cried for hours. I don't think I'm going to be able to control the rage and she constantly tries to call me and talk to me like we are old friends or something . Is there anybody else that is as shocked as I am reading the affair support post? Also, is there anyone who has been in this situation and trusted again? I haven't been in a relationship since the seperation dispite advances and I now see every woman as a threat. Am I going crazy?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2004
Mon, 08-29-2005 - 2:55pm

Hi there!!

In a nutshell, anger is a completely normal reaction to divorce. "Rage" is what happens when that normal reaction gets out of control.

Besides being divorced myself, I also facilitate a divorce support group for men and women.

The one thing that I see that tends to contibute most to normal reactions becoming "unhealthy" reactions, is when we spend time focusing on how we were wronged by our ex, instead of focusing on what we need to do to HEAL. If you are still struggling with these issues you are definately NOT ready for a new relationship. A new relationship will not help you now it will only make things worse.

One thing that helped me and that I encourage others to do is to make a conscious effort to STOP yourself when you start to think about what your EX did wrong in your marriage. Instead spend some time trying to discover how YOU contributed to the problems. That doesn't mean that you are ignoring your ex's contributions to the divorce (it sounds like she had som BIG issues that contributed to the divorce). It simply means that you are identifying the things you did wrong so that you will make sure NOT to do those things in the future. I really believe this is what got me through my divorce pain pretty quickly. It's much harder to be mad at your ex, no matter how terrible they were, when you know that you also screwed up.

Also, consider how much time and energy you are spending focusing on your anger toward your ex. Instead focus that energy on getting better.

There are probably many divorce support groups in your area but you will have to look for them. There is a program called DivorceCare that is run out of churches but that accept anyone, you don't have to attend that church to take part in the group. They have a website that lists local support groups by city and state - I'm sure there is one in your area.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
Mon, 08-29-2005 - 3:27pm

Kenn, you've been dealt a very heavy blow. Abigail Trafford calls this "Crazy Time." It shakes us awfully. Almost anything you could feel is a normal part of it. Those impulses need some attention, though. Your instinct to take a break from the boards that upset you is great - I found that worked for me when it was just too overwhelming. Sit down and make a list of things you like - especially anything you neglected when you were with her. Foods, activities, clothes, anything that's you. Make sure you work some of that into every day. Exercise, drink enough water, sleep. If you can't sleep, see your doctor. Not only does it help with your health and mood, but you send your body the message that you deserve good things.

You did well the other day. You walked away and let the pain out. That had to be a hellish time, but remember you did the right thing. You may want to consider storing your gun somewhere. If you have a friend who would hold it for you, you could just tell him it doesn't feel good to have it around. Or that you're concerned having it when you have a toddler in the house. If at any time you feel as if you may act on the impulse to harm either of them, or yourself, go to the emergency room. It's not so much the idea, it's the action that counts.

She has no right to call you and try to be friends after cheating on you. Put a stop to that. Whenever the conversation strays beyond your child's needs, end it. It may sound harsh, but it's not. It's just setting limits. Really, a brief call before every dropoff should be enough.

Seeing every woman as a threat - it's a phase. Go with it. Don't date until you feel ready. If the distrust of women bothers you, spend some time with "safe" women. Relatives, women you wouldn't date if they were available. I had to sit with the possibility that all men were like my ex, or I'd never truly have let it go. It took months to start to have faith again.

Keep safe, make yourself as comfortable as possible and give it time. Keep posting; this board is a wonderful support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2004
Tue, 08-30-2005 - 12:16pm
Thanks for the wonderful advice. I'm seeing a counselor at my job to help with the pain. I still cannot stop going to the affair support message board. I am probably ruinning myself for the unlucky sole I get involved with next. I just have no faith in the constituiton of marriage anymore. I see that hardly anybody cares to be honest and if there are any innocent people out there, they are like me and scared to death to be in the same situation. Hopefully I'll get over my fears and be normal again one day. Thanks for pointing me in the right direction.