Newbie Here

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2005
Newbie Here
7
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 12:03am

Hello, all. I’m officially delurking here. I’ve been married for two years, and I have a 14 month old son. My stbx and I have been separated since December, and I filed for divorce just over two months ago.

14 months ago, just after the birth of my son, I started receiving anonymous letters that said that my husband was having an affair and that he was on drugs. About a week after I got the first letter, a man came to my door to make sure I had received the letter. He was fairly nice to me, but he threatened my husband. Needless to say, it was all very scary and confusing. I was exhausted and hormonal with a new baby, and I didn’t know what to think. And my husband of course denied it. His explanation was that someone was out to get him and ruin his life. At the time, I chose to believe him. I think it was just easier than dealing with what was really going on.

The letters continued for almost 7 months. I called the police several times, as well as the postal inspector, but there was nothing they could do. There was never anything concrete in them. But then in December, I got a letter that had a name and phone number of a woman in it. I decided not to tell my husband about that letter, and I called a private investigator. Through the PI and some of my own detective work, I found out that my husband had cheated, was a compulsive gambler, and that he was using crystal meth. I was devastated.

So I’ve decided to divorce him, and now we’re working out the details of the decree. Because of my husband’s history of drug use (he says he’s no longer using), he is only allowed supervised visitation with my son for now.

The visitation is supervised by me at my house, so I have to see my husband two evenings/week. It’s awful. He is so angry with me for not “sticking by him in his time of need”. I’m angry with him for obvious reasons. I try to just let him see our son without our having to engage with each other, but he can’t leave it alone.

Sorry this has gotten so long, but I guess I’m just wondering if all of this ever gets easier. Right now, I’m feeling like this is the way it will always be. Like this is just what I get. And the thought of that is very disheartening.

Thanks for reading.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: whit74
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 9:16am

hi and welcome. is your husband still on drugs? who is the man who gave you the info - how was he connected to the whole thing?

and why are YOU supervising the visits? why is there not a social worker or something? its going to be very difficult because you have to be there twice a week with him....

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
In reply to: whit74
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 9:22am

Welcome to the board! You sound like you are holding up remarkably well, given the very difficult circumstances of the divorce. Do not feel guilty for one second about the choice you made to divorce. If he was really in a "time of need," he should have come to you for help, not turn to another woman. Contrary to what he might believe, he doesn't get a free pass for his horrible behavior.


As for the supervised visits, if you can't move them to a neutral location, then just try to stay out of the room he is in during these visits. I'm assuming a social worker is also in your home during the visits.


Take care, and please post often. This is a wonderful and supportive community.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2005
In reply to: whit74
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 9:44am

Thanks for the response. My husband says he's no longer on drugs, but I don't know how I can ever know for sure. Our decree does have some stipulations for drug testing down the road before he can have unsupervised visitation when my son turns 5.

The man who came to my house and is still sending the letters is supposedly the boyfriend of the woman my husband cheated with. I have no idea why he is still sending the letters, unless he just isn't aware that I'm divorcing him.

As for why I'm supervising the visits, in the state I live in, there is a state supervision program. The way it works is that every Saturday, I drop off my son with a stranger at the place of supervision, and then my stbx comes separately to spend time with him. I didn't want to do this for several reasons. First, I don't like the idea of leaving my son with a stranger like that. He is only 14 months old. Secondly, taking him there every Saturday would really cut into my time with my son. I work full-time, so Saturdays are precious time with my son. Finally, the Saturday visitation doesn't work with my husband's work schedule.

The point is that I set it up this way trying to make things easier on my son. But it's really hard on me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2005
In reply to: whit74
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 10:01am

Thanks for the response and encouragement. I do sometimes feel guilty for not standing by my husband, but then I just remind myself that he never stood by me from the first day we were married.

The visits aren't supervised by a social worker, just me. I wish there was another option, but it seemed like the lesser of all the evils.

Thanks again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: whit74
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 10:05am

yes, i re read your message - i forgot your son was really little. well - do you have a friend who migh tbe willing to help you out? is that allowed? at least you wouldn't be ALONE with him.

i imagine that it will take some time for you to get used to this, but maybe once it will be on schedule, it will be easier for you. do you have to be in the room with him at all times? or can you be in some other part of th house.

good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2006
In reply to: whit74
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 9:19pm

Welcome and ((((hugs)))) I'm new too and I am my STBX is still living here, so I have no advice. But I wanted to let you know that I read your post and that I'm sorry you are going through this.

kate

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2005
In reply to: whit74
Sun, 09-03-2006 - 10:07pm

Thanks so much for the welcome. I'm really sorry to hear you're going through this, as well. It's just so bad and hurtful, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

By the way, you have beautiful kids!