Newbie here.....wish I weren't
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Newbie here.....wish I weren't
| Wed, 03-22-2006 - 8:31pm |
My husband filed for divorce. Kissed me goodbye, said "I love you" at 6:00 am and at 4:00 pm I was served with divorce papers. Sure, we have had some problems but this? I am broken beyond measure. My tears splash against my keyboard as I type this. I celebrated my 9th anniversary last week alone and crying. We have three children and I have a step son who is 12 that I cannot live without. He was my first baby. How do you walk out on your family...how do you walk out on your life? He refuses to leave our home and is seeking 50/50 custody of our three boys. I am wilting away inside...every day I must see him and smile for the sake of my beloved boys. My babies....my perfect, innocent, sweet babies. They know because when I got the shock of my life they were there. Husband says I should have "contained myself better".....jerk. I cannot beleive this has happened. This man has been a wonderful husband and father. I cannot imagine my life without him.

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I understand... I was there too for a while... it was just a horrible time and I feel for you... I wouldn't wish divorce on anyone, because even when you want it, it still hurts a h-e-double hockey sticks of a lot...
One quote that helped me is one that says that no man is worth tears and the one who is will never make you cry... says a lot, doesn't it?
In the meantime, let yourself feel what you feel... talk to your doctor and see if there is something that can be perscribed to help you cope... it isn't easy... Take every day one day at a time... if that is too much, take it an hour at a time and if that is too much, take it five minutes at a time... we can make it through five minutes of practically anything...
I'm thinking of you...
*hugs*
Julie
Creepy how similiar our situations WERE. Because over the summer I posted the exact message here- shocked, numb, sad, hurt, confused, scared, on and on it went. It's been 9 months now, and things have begun to change. He moved in with the girl friend I didn't know existed last June. I sold the house and found a new town here in CT to live in (he refused to allow me to move back to my home state of MD. I'm job hunting in the new town. I resigned my job here at the end of this school year. I quit being the Girl Scout Leader, dropped my social club memberships and lost most of my happily married freinds. I was deposed by my ex husband who said the most damaging things about me to try to get more custody. I gave away the family dog because she required too much care (to ex husband). We have to lower our living expenses because I have been a SAHM for 10 years and now money is VERY tight. Have to sell the Volvo, fire the cleaning folks,..... On and on the changes over the last year go.
Yet... After reading your post, I know that the begining was the worst for me. I can sense your sadness and shock- that passes quickly as you move through the divorce process. Then I got mad and resentful. I'm still there, but you have no idea what you can accomplish with anger as your driving force. I still feel a little sad, lonely, scared and mad; but I have a therapist to talk to and knowing that I've made it this far helps me to continue putting one foot in front of the other. The kids are OK, too. We all just grew up fast and got damaged in the process. But we made it. Our future looks bright and yours will too. BELIEVE THIS- because I never would have believed this post when I was in your space. YOU WILL SERVIVE THIS AND SO WILL YOUR KIDS. Then, you'll look back and wonder how you ever did it. Buy "Crazy Time" and read it- I loved it. Please get an attorney and meet with him/her ASAP. Do not waste any time because I did when I was so shocked and it put me quite a bit behind him and at a disadvantage. Take care and good luck. Divorce sucks, but so does spending the rest of your life with someone who doesn't want to be with you anymore.
Laura
I am crying right now because I can feel all your support. I will get that book. I have ordered so many and all seem to be so religious. I just don't need that right now.
I don't know how he can not want to be with me. I hurt so badly right now.
Laura, did your ex get the additional custody he was seeking?
I do have an attorney and so does he. My dad is a retired family law attorney so he insisted I did that the day after I was served.
I do not want him to have 50-50 custody. I cannot imagine being without my kids that much.
Lisa,
I'm a guy whose wife left him for someone else. When you say "I don't know how he can not want to be with me. I hurt so badly right now" I know how you feel. But there is one good thing about this, it does get better with time. My ex left me just over a year ago and, while I am still not completely over it, it is so much easier than it was.
One thing that I did that I think you should avoid is remembering all the good times in your marriage and forgetting the bad times. After my wife said she was leaving, I created this fantasy vision of what my marriage had been like in my mind. I wanted to beleive that everything had been great and that my ex was making a huge mistake. It took some friends reminding me of the bad times that my wife and I had had to make me see reality.
What I am trying to say is that you may be better off without him. It may be that you love your kids so much that you overlooked bad things in your marriage to justify staying together. I know that this might not be the case with you but it was with me and it helped me once I realized that.
I wish you the best.
Michael
I know how you feel because I was there. How can he hate me so much? What did I ever do to deserve this? How about the kids- they don't deserve the pain he has inflicted on us. I can't believe he brought us so much pain- it's impossible to understand how someone can be so into themselves... I'm SO relieved to hear you have your father to guide you thru the HIDEOUS divorce proceedings. The process itself will help you to deal with your feelings and the changes that are coming your way- I can't explain exactly how, but, nothing happens suddenly- it's a slow, painful time. No, my ex did not get all the custody he wanted (or thought he wanted). I woke out of my shock one day and told him that I wanted e/o weekend (NOT the once per month he insisted on). He visits the children on Tues. and Thurs. nites also, but that will not occur once we move. I HATE seeing him so much- it' very difficult not hitting him. When we first worked out our visitation, I cried the whole time I didn't have the kids and was alone in the house. It's still horrible. I want them to be with me all the time (I suppose I'm just very kid centered- which is why I became a teacher) and I resent every moment we aren't together as a family of 4 anymore. I'd love to talk with you some more. If you feel comfortable, please use my home e-mail (lbaldwin@odscap.com) and write whenever things get tough or you need to talk. I met some wonderful people on this website, and they have helped in ways you can't believe. You'll be OK. Take care.
Laura
Wishing you both peaceful times ahead~
Take care,
JNSMOM
Don't you wish we could all get together and hand out and complain about how rotten divorce is? It's SO nice to know there are other people who are not only going thru a divorce, but seem to have similiar personal situations. I know "almost 1/2 of all marriages end in divorce", but I thought that happens to OTHER people- not me! I live in the Northeast, where people never allow any hint that their marriages and families are not perfect. I put so much effort into this charade that it's sort of a relief to finally admit that my ex was a rotten person (and not such a great father, either). Telling the kids was really hard, but I had this great book entitled "What About The Kids-Raising Your Children Before, During and After the Divorce". It tells you what to say and predicts what will happen with the kids based on their age, sex and personalities. In our case, my ex found he couldn't say anything at all, even though it was all his idea! So I recited what the book said to say, my kids reacted EXACTLY the way the book predicted, and I responded as the book directs. We ordered pizza, ex took my son to talk and pick the pizza up and I went on a walk with my daughter and we talked about her feelings. I don't know how I managed to choke down my pizza slice, but ex and I really tried to be civil to each other from then on (in front of the kids)- now, we let the lawyers fight. As a result, 9 months later, my kids are beginning to tell us that being home isn't as stressful as it used to be (it was stressful?!). It pains me to think that my daughter may get her period (or have her first break-up or whatever) while she's with her dad and his gf. Who's going to show her how to use a Tampax!!! These things may sound ridiculous, but I wanted to be there for her important firsts. Oh well, she can always reach me on my cell phone, but it's not the same. Friends say I need to get a hobby or someting to focus on when they're not with me- but the things I like to do all involve my kids (or lots more money than I now have). Magazine articles say stupid things like "travel to a place you've always wanted to go (African safari anyone?)" and "go pamper yourself at a spa". AS IF!!!
Laura
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