newbie - need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2006
newbie - need advice
2
Sun, 03-19-2006 - 12:25am

My story is long, but here's the best I can do at a short version.

I was married 1 month after my 18th b-day to a guy 7 years older. He was a great guy, but I never thought it through completely. When we were dating, he would do anything for me. I was his first & our sex life was normal before we married. After married, it dropped to almost never. Usually, it was me nearly begging.
I didn't really understand this completely when we married, but he was raped by his father (who was a pastor) as a small boy. This gave him an unhealthy view on sex. He would tell me there was something wrong with me & I wanted it too much. He also never gave much affection, so it was like living with a roommate who you have to cook & clean for. He was always telling me I didn't do enough. I tried to talk to him about my feelings of rejection, but he would do one of two things. Either he would give me grief saying I had a problem & wanted sex too often or say he was sorry he didn't have a higher sex drive. We were good friends, but not good lovers.
He wasn't romantic at all anymore & didn't dance. His excuse was that he just wasn't that kind of guy. I was like a buddy to him, not a wife.
Our other major problem was his family. They didn't like me, but wouldn't admit it. They would always ask tons of him and he was there for them no matter what. They even began to insult me & he did nothing.
After 5 years, I became pregnant with our son & he still wasn't emotionally there. I was very depressed & went to the dr, only to be put on antidepressants. I received a little attention from my boss & felt desireable. I gave in and had a 5 month affair with him. I finally called it off & told my husband. I can't begin to say how much regret I had & still have for this. He forgave me, but we had a lot to work out.
We started counseling, & were told that he HAD to start showing me more affection & begin to put me & our child before his mother & siblings. I encouraged him to continue counseling for his childhood trama, but he refused, saying he didn't have any problems or effects of it. I would gently try to tell him how his disfunction made me feel, but he never seemed interested. He would say he was working on changing, but I rarely saw a difference. Sometimes, he would do a little something, but just to shut me up & it was never well planned, & usually fell apart.
In our 7th year, we started going out to different places, trying to spice things up. We went to a strip club & suddenly, he wanted sex a little more often. I didn't mind going at all because I got something I wanted & needed. During this perceived high point, we adopted another child. I knew things weren't perfect, but they were tollerable.
Finally, I came to the realization that I wan't the one turning him on. I know I am not unattractive, obese, nor do I have anyother problems to make me undesireable by a normal man. But, I can't exactly compete with 18 year olds in thongs. Once again, I became somewhat depressed. This time, I did not have an affair.
I pushed him away some because I was hurt & couldn't take much more. Out of anger & hurt I told him that I didn't care what he did & couldn't care less if he were with someone else. He had an offer of oral sex from a completely ugly woman(by 99% of the population's standard.) He took her up on the offer twice & told me about one of the two times a few months later. I tried so hard to forgive him, but couldn't quite do it. I pretended, but my sadness was still there. He never wanted sex with me, but would be with a complete beast? This just made me miserable. The whole low sex drive thing just wasn't a valid excuse anymore. He must like it because he didn't have a problem with nasty girl.
He rarely kept his word to me & would let me down all the time. Little things like standing up to his family & changing his work schedule would go undone. He did the minimum around the house he could.
The only thing I asked him to do was tell me everything because this woman was planning to come talk to me. I didn't want to learn anything from her & wanted to tell her that my relationship was strong. He promised that he told me everything & it only happened ONE time. When the woman came to me to (in her words) "Try to make things right," I told her that everything was fine & he told me everything. SHe said "He told you about both time?" I flipped! I went to him & he promised that he told me & I forgot. I wanted to believe him, so I blamed myself. I guess I always knew he didn't tell me about both time, but I didn't want to believe.
In November, he began counseling for his childhood & overcoming his problems. Finally, about 2 months ago, he told me that he intentionally didn't tell me about the 2nd time with that woman.
Sometimes I think it doesn't matter if it was once or twice, but it's the lying that I can't handle. With him setting me up to be embarassed by finding out about new stuff from the other woman. Also blaming it on me is too much.
Needless to say, I left him that night.
We both promised to try to remain friends. It's SO hard because I still love him, but really don't want to. It would be easier if I had fallen out of love with him, but I didn't. The feelings are still there.
I am so confused with what I should feel. I had a friend tell me about him dancing with another woman last night & I just felt devistated. I felt like I wasn't good enough for him to try with & he is willing to do things for someone else? He still says he wants me back, but I can't believe him. He promised so many things & never did any of it. My feelings are so up & down. Some days are great & others (like today) all I want to do is cry. Sometimes, I feel so angry toward him. I still see the woman he was with around town & it just makes me either angry or sad. I wish I could avoid her, but haven't been able to so far.
Since he has the kids three nights a week, I'm lonely. I have more free time than I have had in the last 5 years. I really want to move on with my life & start meeting new people, making new friends. I have lots of offers for dates, but I feel guilty for going. It feels like I'm cheating. I am dying to feel desireable. I don't mean I want to go sleep anyone at all, but I just want to go have a good time. I want to feel like someone can enjoy being around me. I also know that I can't go on feeling devistated that he's moving on with his life. I am so tempted to take him back, but I know I can't. I wasn't happy & can't trust him to change. I know he's in counseling & trying to change, but I just can't waste my life on yet another promise of change from him. I've already spent 10 years on it & he now admits that he never tried to fix our marriage.

Can anyone give me some advice with any of this on how to overcome these feelings? How should I feel? Is this normal? How do I overcome this depression? How long does it normally take to pass? ALL WORDS OF WISDOM ARE GREATLY APPRECIATED.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 03-19-2006 - 6:23am

You are in a very difficult situation but your feelings are normal! Of course you want to be desired! I just want to say though...given your husband's past, his rejection of you isn't because of your looks or anything. My guess is that it is easy for him to be sexual with someone he doesn't care about. Remember, someone HE cared about misused trust and sex with him. Sex was made into a hurtful thing by his own father. Getting treatment for his past and healing is his own responsibility though. This is just my opinion but in your case I think being separated is the best thing you can do. He hasn't taken responsibility for his baggage in the many years you guys were together so maybe he'll finally do it if you guys are apart. You can concentrate on you for a while. Rebuild your self esteem. Maybe see a counselor so you can deal with the effects the marriage had on YOU. Just take a breather. If you concentrate on making friends and being a healthy you, your future will fall in place. Maybe you will meet someone wonderful or maybe your husband will finally heal and you guys will rediscover each other. Who knows? In the meantime, it is perfectly natural to feel so hurt. Let yourself grieve. Just remember...your husband is dealing with a lot of trauma so his actions really have nothing to do with you as a person. They don't reflect your ability to be desirable or loved. They reflect his inability to connect with someone and deal with his past. Dealing with the fallout from this kind of stuff can make YOU feel crazy at times so I do hope you seek some counseling. I hope peace comes your way soon.

Kimberly

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 03-19-2006 - 7:18am

It sounds like you both made mistakes, but his were very large and constant ones. From what you have said, you tried every avenue possible to rebuild the marriage...forgiveness, counseling, etc.


He says he wants you back. If you REALLY think there is a possibility for reconciliation, he needs to show you that he has changed, and the changes are lasting. And that would take some time. It sounds like in your heart, you know he can't makes the changes he needs to.


Right now, you're on the rollercoaster of new emotions that happens when you separate. It's completely normal! One day you feel depressed, then angry, sad, hopeful, independent, then needy....it's all part of the healing process. I remember feeling all