Newbie & need advice, please.
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Newbie & need advice, please.
| Tue, 07-04-2006 - 1:45pm |
So, DH has asked for divorce before, but this time he isn't wavering as much & I don't know that he'll actuall get to counseling & fix what needs to be fix. There is another woman involved (emotional affair) & she is leaving her DH to be with mine. Mine however isn't sure he wants to be with her & says they never had plans for that & isn't sure why she is saying that now. My question is this: he is currently saying that he has made his decision about divorce, but is having second thoughts at this point. I know, for our son who is 18 months, that we need to have a relationship with each other for his sake. For me, if this OW is involved AT ALL in his life I can't do that. Our relationship would consist of pick up & drop off times, nothing more. I know my STBX doesn't want that, he has said that MANY many times. He has this unrelatistic fantasy that we are going to be great friends, spend time together as a family & with our son, even possibly date. If this woman is ANYWHERE in the picture I can't bear that...she has been the root of too much pain. Has anyone done anything like this, asking STBX to get rid of other woman permanently & he did it?












catd19...
As adorable as your 18-month old is......and Pianoguy sincerely means this.....you can't use his presence as a bargaining chip between your DH and yourself!
Your issue needs to be this.
Can you can handle the role and responsibilities of being a totally single, unattached parent?
From what you described in your post, there has always been "someone else" or "some other diversion" in your DH's life? What makes you think things would change even if the man gave up his current girlfriend?
Decide whether 'total singlehood' is in your best interest or not...then proceed accordingly.
Pianoguy
catd19...
One more time from PG:
You might think you're forcing your DH to make the choice between the OW and yourself, but if his past is any indication...YOU MIGHT WIN THIS ROUND....BUT YOU'LL END UP LOSING THE WAR!
Your son IS "caught in the middle" because the time will eventually arrive when he'll realize that his Mom and Dad aren't 'on the same page'---even if they reside in the same living space?
So evaluate your situation one more time. Are you BETTER OFF SINGLE...OR WILLING TO RISK THE POSSIBILITY OF INFIDELITY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN...and attempt to accept it?
Pianoguy
After finding out about my STBX's first affair I told him before I took him back he would have to get rid of the other woman. He did and so I took him back. He said he would never do it again. That he realized how much he loved me when he thought he was going to lose me after finding out about his affair. blah blah blah.
It wasn't long after than that he started another affair with a mutual friend. Eventually he started treating me like dirt and was being best friend with the OW. Long story short, he has bought a house with her and are living together and raising a baby that could be his. His HO OW was sleeping with both her estrange husband and him so they didn't know (or at least not saying) who the father is. STBX however has taken it upon himself to be the baby's father. He said he didn't care if it was his baby or not. He loved her the same.
The moral of this story is Once a Cheater Always a Cheater. He may be willing to get rid of this OW but resassure there will be someone else that will come along who will strike his interest. See this as a red flag and do what is best for you and your baby.
My situation is very similar minus the child, and I am still in the midst of it now. My wife has been gone 2 months, and I know she continues her "emotional affair" with a guy at her workplace. We are now in a no contact period (no phone calls, emails, etc....) until I file for divorce (it's a long story as to why I will file rather than her). For us, I feel strongly that she is done with our relationship, and there is no chance at reconciliation as far as the marriage is concerned. She too wants to be good friends, and carry on like nothing has happened, but like you, I feel if this guy is in anyway involved in her life (which at this point I know he will be) then I cannot do that. He's caused too many issues/problems between us, and has ruined our chance at remaining amicable. I suppose for me, unfortunately, there is no choice but to move on as best as possible, considering how she's acted and what she's said. I feel I need to get out of the house more, stay busy, rediscover myself and the things I like to do, and meet new people. Time should take care of the rest.
Best of luck to you. I hope you can salvage your marriage and get rid of the other woman for good. I'll be checking back to find out as I am curious too (for hope's sake), if you can get rid of the "other" permanenetly when your spouse and the other are so closely tied emotionally.
The other issue that needs to be address is do we want someone in my life that has treated us like this? Has this been our life for so long that we somehow think that this is normal? Right now all I want to do is focus on my daughters and myself. Do things that remove me from this sick and hurtful relationship that he has created.
Just remember that we did nothing to deserve this pain that they have caused, it is their problem and they need to take ownership of what they have done.
I wish you luck in your situation, and hope that you find true happiness in the future. Our situations seem very similar, of course minus the child!
If you ever need to talk (since I know how draining this situation can be & how our friends & family get sick of hearing us droan on, feel free to e-mail me).
Thanks for your response. In talking with STBX last night I used what you said about why would I want to be friends with someone that has done that...I think it made him think!
I'm always around to talk if you need. IT is nice to know there are other people here that are going through the same thing (although I wish we all were not)