Newbie...just found out 13 days ago
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 02-26-2006 - 8:15pm |
Hi ladies,
I have been to various boards on ivillage and always received great support. I never in a million years thought I would be on this one....
I just found out my husband of 2 1/2 years (we've been together for 13 1/2, since I was 17) years has been cheating on me for 7 months. Not just cheating, but living a double life.
We moved in with his parents before we got married in 2003 to pay off our debt and b/c we both went back to school full time to change careers. It has been a struggle, especailly on his ego and a strain on our marriage. Last July, he met the neighbor across the street and began sleeping with her. He told her he and I were sleeping in seperate bedrooms (which my in-laws know is untrue) and were getting divorced. At that point I didn't even know he was unhappy. They continued their affair and she moved two months later after her own divorce was final (her second divorce and I think she's about 27 or 28) to a a house near his work. At that time he told me this elaborate story about his job (he's an electrician) that he needed to start working nights and would stay there, they had it all set up for the electricians, futon to sleep on in between calls, kitchen, etc. and I bought it all. Not without suspicion of coarse. I confronted him on numerous occasions about cheating and he would swear up and down he wasn't. He would even get angry with me about it and I would end up apologizing to him.
Meanwhile he was telling his gf that he had filed for divorce and I was just not accepting it (no divorce papers have been filed) and that b/c we got married in the church the divorce process takes longer. And she bought it all too. Oh, he also told her that I was only still living at his parents house b/c I had nowhere else to go. She told me she thought he was a sweet guy for doing that for me. "Noble" was the word she used.
So, at the time he started "working nights" he basically moved in with her. He was rarely at work or school (he dropped all his classes last semester which I found out and said it was a computer error) and spent all his time with her. The few hours a day I would see him, he was still having sex with me.
My suspicions grew over Christmas when I found a charge for $150 to Fredericks of Hollywood and I never got a present from him. Confronted him (over the phone) on that and he said he bought me a Christmas present but b/c we had been fighting so much wasn't sure if he wanted to give it to me. Told him to prove it, he came home an hour later with stuff from there that did not add up to $150, couldn't produce a receipt from the date I saw on the credit card statemtn, but I did find a reciept from the ATM right next to the Fredericks store with a $100 withdrawl from his savings account during the same hour in which he came home to "prove it" to me. Later, his gf asked me what he gave me that day and same outfit he bought for her....
Two days later I found an apartment and moved out mid-January. Told everyone I thought it would be good for our marriage to seperate, he kept telling me "this is just a temporary situation" and "everyting will work out". He and I didn't see eachother for almost a month, he came over Feb. 11th and we had sex.
Feb. 13th I called his cell phone to ask him what time he was coming to my apartment for Valentine's dinner (he told me he would stop by on his way to work) and another woman answered his phone. Right then and there I knew. I asked her who she was and if she was sleeping with my husband. She responded, "Whoa, if you're asking me that question, we need to talk".
Drama ensued for a few hours and he actually still denied it!!! Then he was at their house, I was on speaker phone with her and he was screaming at me, calling me a liar and why don't I just sign the divorce papers. What papers? There aren't any. Meanwhile, his gf is totally confused, not knowing who's telling the truth.....
Anyway, the story is even longer. reading it back to myself it seems so outragous, like a movie and I still haven't even been able to completely accept it. This past week she and I have talked, I've told her nothing but the truth, she confronts him and he lies to her. His stories are so crazy, if she believes him she is just as unstable as he is.
He has a large, close family (4 brothers and all of their wives/girlfrinds are my best friends). The whole family is completely torn up about this, he has lied to EVERYONE. The girls and my mother-in-law have been amazingly supportive. A couple of his brothers knew recently about his gf, but kept it quiet for him. He actually brough his gf over to his parents house a few nights ago and my MIL told her nicely that she is not welcome in her house until our divorce is final. Now he is blaming ME for everyone being mad at him. Can it get any better????
If you are still with me, thanks. You probably think, "Is this girl for real?" Unfortunealy, yes. Thank God we don't have kids (we were planning on TTC this fall), and come to find out from the gf that he told her he wants to have a baby with her. I am done talking to her. I can't handle it anymore and if she doesn't believe me, that that's her problem, right? I have nothing to gain from uncovering his lies to her. It won't undo what he has done.
I don't even know where to start by starting over. Luckily I have a great support system, a great new job and tonight I am going to a divorce support group.
It's good (but sad) to know that there are other women that go through this every day. Every story is different, and I hope NO ONE has to endure what I have been fed the last two weeks. My life will never be the same.
Guess I jsut wanted to share my story. Reading it makes me realize what a bad person morally he is and not the man I fell in love with and married.
I'm terrified of being single. He's all I've ever known since I was 17. I'll be 31 in April....
Thanks for the support,
beanie
Edited 3/4/2006 12:14 pm ET by beanie_75

Hugs, Brenda
Thanks Brenda, but no lawyer yet. Since we don't have children or a home together, some advice that I've gotten is that we can do it without one. I've already pulled my money into my own checking account and taken him off as the beneficiary on my IRA. Since I only work part-time I need his health insurance right now(I have high blood pressure w/ medication).
The sickest part about it is that I still want to be married to him, I think more as an "idea" than a reality. Could I ever trust him again? No. Could I ever have a healthy marraige with him? No. But it's still fresh....the fact that he has ripped our dreams away.
I just hope I can someday trust someone else. Can anyone really live happily ever after.....?
Wow Beanie, welcome to the board... what a time you've had. You sound amazingly strong and while I don't even know you I am so so proud of you! You are right, talking to the girlfriend is not good for you and she is not really benefitting from it either. You've told her the truth and you can move on knowing that she knows and will do whatever she wants with that information. I hope this all moves quickly and smoothly, do keep in touch on the board.
Melanie
Hugs, Brenda