Newbie's long winded story
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Newbie's long winded story
| Wed, 05-31-2006 - 6:25am |
Hello everyone.
I'm 45 yrs old, have been married for 26 yrs. h had an affair 6 yrs ago with his co-worker who also lives up the street. I kicked him out several times during the a, only to take him back each and every time, believing all the lies he told me. Supposedly he stopped seeing the ow. I don't know if that's true or not. So the past 6 yrs, I've been working on the marriage while he hasn't really. This should have been a very large flag, but let's just say I'm really slow to get the hint. Back in Oct of 2004, I filed divorce papers. He wouldn't sign them. He started acting really nice and what not. We bought a second house together and have been in it for a year. I know your really thinking that I'm very stupid by now. Our older boys rent the first house. I've always known that I could come back to my ugly little house if ever need be. I figured if he had a nicer, newer house, he'd want that over this little.
I'm the kind of wife who worked the full time job, took care of the kid's needs ran them around to different things and he basically was always at the park playing soccer. He always took his side of the family over us. So it wasn't like he was the best dad or husband. But he wasn't a horrible guy either.
This past Saturday, I was kicked out of the house. Not quite sure what the reasoning was.
He was angry that I didn't take him dinner (he works nights), but I'd left word that I couldn't-had to pick son's glasses up. He says I'm not a good wife, he's angry that I never pooled my money back with his after I filed papers and what not.
My youngest son and I have moved into my old house with my boys. My d who is 21 stayed with her dad because there's no room at this old house. She says she'll move in with me when I get an apartment.
I was upset Saturday, as we had not been fighting, this was a shocker to me. But I'm no longer upset. I find it amusing to be kicked out at 45. My sis is livid that I moved from the house. I left him almost everything. My reasoning is, he pays a huge mortgage, one I can not pay. I paid all the other bills. The older house has a much smaller payment, one that I can afford. I have cut the utilities to the new house. They were all in my name. This is a big step for me, as for the material things, I can eventually buy more stuff. Would like to see him pay the house payment and the utilities, and his car insurance.
I'm not weepy, at least not yet. I'm more angry at being treated like crap all these years and never being good enough for him. I had prayed that we would go our separate ways, and it's not on my concious that he choose to kick me and our 11 yr old out. I've come to realize that I had no spine with him. I feel lost in a sense because I'm not running around doing his errands or making phone calls for him. I have an appt with the lawyer tomorrow.
Does anyone have any suggestions or comments other than telling me how stupid I am for not divorcing him when he cheated on me? What can I do to pass my time?
One positive thing I can tell you is that I absolutely feel free. I can be on the puter if I want and there is no one to tell me how stupid and worthless I am. I think I'm in heaven.
I'm 45 yrs old, have been married for 26 yrs. h had an affair 6 yrs ago with his co-worker who also lives up the street. I kicked him out several times during the a, only to take him back each and every time, believing all the lies he told me. Supposedly he stopped seeing the ow. I don't know if that's true or not. So the past 6 yrs, I've been working on the marriage while he hasn't really. This should have been a very large flag, but let's just say I'm really slow to get the hint. Back in Oct of 2004, I filed divorce papers. He wouldn't sign them. He started acting really nice and what not. We bought a second house together and have been in it for a year. I know your really thinking that I'm very stupid by now. Our older boys rent the first house. I've always known that I could come back to my ugly little house if ever need be. I figured if he had a nicer, newer house, he'd want that over this little.
I'm the kind of wife who worked the full time job, took care of the kid's needs ran them around to different things and he basically was always at the park playing soccer. He always took his side of the family over us. So it wasn't like he was the best dad or husband. But he wasn't a horrible guy either.
This past Saturday, I was kicked out of the house. Not quite sure what the reasoning was.
He was angry that I didn't take him dinner (he works nights), but I'd left word that I couldn't-had to pick son's glasses up. He says I'm not a good wife, he's angry that I never pooled my money back with his after I filed papers and what not.
My youngest son and I have moved into my old house with my boys. My d who is 21 stayed with her dad because there's no room at this old house. She says she'll move in with me when I get an apartment.
I was upset Saturday, as we had not been fighting, this was a shocker to me. But I'm no longer upset. I find it amusing to be kicked out at 45. My sis is livid that I moved from the house. I left him almost everything. My reasoning is, he pays a huge mortgage, one I can not pay. I paid all the other bills. The older house has a much smaller payment, one that I can afford. I have cut the utilities to the new house. They were all in my name. This is a big step for me, as for the material things, I can eventually buy more stuff. Would like to see him pay the house payment and the utilities, and his car insurance.
I'm not weepy, at least not yet. I'm more angry at being treated like crap all these years and never being good enough for him. I had prayed that we would go our separate ways, and it's not on my concious that he choose to kick me and our 11 yr old out. I've come to realize that I had no spine with him. I feel lost in a sense because I'm not running around doing his errands or making phone calls for him. I have an appt with the lawyer tomorrow.
Does anyone have any suggestions or comments other than telling me how stupid I am for not divorcing him when he cheated on me? What can I do to pass my time?
One positive thing I can tell you is that I absolutely feel free. I can be on the puter if I want and there is no one to tell me how stupid and worthless I am. I think I'm in heaven.

Welcome to our board! One thing you will not find is anyone here who will call you stupid for not leaving your stbx (soon to be ex) when he cheated on you. Many of us here have experienced just that, but even those who have not will support you. This is a very warm, helpful group and you will find comfort here. It sounds like for now you have found peace and that is such a great feeling isn't it? I remember the early days of euphoria very well and while they have faded into a more normal feeling, it's a very good feeling of freedom. I hope to see you around more often!
Melanie
If you had to leave one of the houses, you were wise to move to the other. Discuss your strategy with your attorney. Give your older boys notice to look around for another place if they are feeling crowded. Do not be in a hurry to go get yourself a place to rent - if your husband wishes to fight dirty and drag the divorce out for several years, you could find yourself paying:
your apartment rent, plus one-half the mortgage for the small house and one-half the mortgage for the big house.
That's a worst-case scenario, again, discuss with your attorney. Think about what you ultimately want from the property split and be prepared to let your attorney know. Also, any kind of lists you can provide re: furnishings, automobiles, significant marital property would be helpful.
And don't rush yourself on the healing. A divorce is very hard emotionally, and you have to allow yourself a very long time to start feeling yourself once again. Find many small ways to pamper yourself, and seek opportunities to feel useful and to give love to your friends and family.
Sometimes less is more.... have you heard country singer John Berry's song called "Power Windows"?
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Both my sister and my best friend think he has someone who's waiting to move into the house, and quite frankly, I don't doubt it.
I have moved mostly senitmental things or things that I recently bought with my own money.
Today I was there packing more things when he came home for lunch. Which is weird because he never used to come home for lunch. I got the death look, and then he left without a word. I feel bad for my son as my stbx talked to him, but did not hug him after not seeing him since saturday. This is all starting to hit me now. I'm in a woe is me mood right now. I feel very unlovable, but then again, he never really made me feel very loved in the first place, I should be used to it by now. My sis and bil will help me move in our dressers and my son's bunk bed's tomorrow. Then I'll be done with going over there.
And hopefully I can weed through my junk and arrange it. My future plans are to paint the kitchen and cupboards while the boys are away at work at night.
Better close for now.
Thank you for your support.
I have just came back from seeing the lawyer. Since we have both of our names on both mortgages, I was very concerned that he would try to take the old house as well as the new house. From what she's told me, he will not be able to do that. My youngest child is 11 yrs old. He can not take both houses away from me. I told the lawyer that I'm not out to "stick it to him" even though secretly, I'd love to. I told her I wanted the old house, and full custody of our youngest. He can have all the new stuff, the big screen, the stereo etc. I'll keep the credit card bill which is about $6,000 dollars. I'm leaving him with a large house payment and his car payment and the payment for the new bed he bought. We only owe $12,000 on the old house, we've had it for 20 yrs. The new house, we've invested at least $25,000 in it already, and it's worth a lot more than the old house. I may end up having to pay him the difference of value between the old house and the new house. She says he has to ask for it though. I know he'll hire a lawyer, I'm just hoping that if the stbx has an OW, I'm hoping she's not smart in this area. Maybe he'll consider what I want to be acceptable in order to be rid of me. Plus I asked for full custody of our son. She says that with h's history, I'll probably get it.
I am trying to brace myself for the worst, and hope for the best.