Newby could use some advice on divorce

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
Newby could use some advice on divorce
6
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 4:11pm

Hi everyone. I'm new here and I am turning to you for some desperately needed support. I have been married for 10 years to a man I never should have dated, much less married. When I met him, I was chronically depressed and dwelling on a terrible, abusive childhood. We have 2 young children together. Five years ago, I started taking Zoloft and it literally changed my life. My career took off, I took up running, made friends, got hobbies, and my self-esteem went up dramatically. Now, I realize that, if my self-esteem was then what it is now, I would never have even given him the time of day. He is bipolar, horribly moody, controlling, and he makes me feel bad about myself. He is a good father, but he isn't very nice to me. There is no physical abuse, but he is selfish and fights verbal wars. Sometimes the things he says to me actually make me gasp. We've been to counseling, but it's been short-lived and not productive.

I desperately want to leave, but I do not want my children to live through a divorce like I did as a child. My parents divorced when I was 12, and it was the loneliest, saddest experience. I think that things might be different for my children, since I am not depressed like my mother was post-divorce.

I am so close to leaving. We have separated our monies. I want to leave, but I just can't find the way. Any advice? Thank God, I have a very good paying job and can support myself just fine. If not for the kids, he would be looking at the dust from my hasty retreat.

Thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2005
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 1:48am

I am really a firm believer that you shouldn't "stay together for the kids". Frankly, kids are much smarter than you give them credit for. They know and see everything. I bet if you asked them, they already can see how unhappy you are. I really think it is more damaging for children to watch a dysfunctional relationship drag on and on then just to do a clean break (peacefully if possible). I am also a child of divorce and my mother was devasted. It was hardest to watch her after the divorce...frankly I was relieved when they finally just called it quits. I really think the effects on the child is more about how the parents handle it then any kind of loss they feel because typically you still see both parents regularly.

Do what is best for you and your children will benefit. If you present it in a positive way, try to work with your ex and be fair to everyone...your children will be better off and not miss out on anything. The only time I feel sorry for children of divorce is when I see parents who can't move on and hold on to anger/bitterness. That really is the only negative part. Children are resiliant and can get used to changes easily - probably faster than us! JMO

Kristin

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 6:51am

Hi Kristin. I just wanted to thank you for your calm, encouraging, thoughtful reply. You really helped put things in perspective. One thing that's obvious to me is that I need to get myself some counseling to get my head on straight.

Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 7:30am

Hi Robin,

I was married to one of those and stayed married for 27 years. What happened to me was he eventually ate away all my self-esteem and confidence. I was a mess. With some good counseling and solid support I'm pretty much back on track. Why did I stay? I don't know. It was about the 10 year point that I had asked for a divorce, but stayed for the kids. Now my children are grown. Because I stayed, their road to happiness will be long and hard. They still haven't grasped the fact that I am not only surviving, but thriving without their father. So don't stay for the children. They need to learn how to live a peaceful, healthy life, not one full of control, misplaced values, and demeaning. It's just not worth it in the long run. Just be aware that if you do decide to divorce, it's not over. He will probably continue to use those tactics on the children if he stays in their life, but you will have the opportunity to show them the other side of life.

Terry

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2007
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 8:43am

Thank you for the words of encouragement, Terry. This is so helpful. Did you and your husband seek counseling during your marriage? I feel the need to try counseling one more time - if for no other reason than to make sure the split is amicable. I think it can be. I just want to look myself in the mirror some day and know that I tried everything possible.

Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2007
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 11:54am
Hi Robinruns1965! I am in a very similar situation, except I'm older (56) and been married for 30 years. I only have one son, 15. My husband is verbally, mentally, and emotionally abusive. When I moved out 5 months ago I was running for my life. My son was angry with me, and still won't stay with me, tho I do see him a lot ( I only live 1.5 mi. from his dad), and talk to him all the time. I miss him so so much, but I have not yet looked back on my decision to leave as anything but the right decision. My issue was not that my son would have to live through a divorce, but that he would think that his fathers behavior was in some way acceptable and that he would think it normal to live in a disfunctional household like ours. I can only tell you that from talking to other divorced women and men, it seems to be easier on the kids when they are young, and hopefully you will be able to keep them with you. By the time they are my son's age, the marriage is so much a part of their whole identity, that they just have a much harder time accepting it. Plus, my particular control freak wasn't satisfied with me as his victim, and works his magic on my son. It breaks my heart. All that being said, I still haven't been able to actually file for divorce, because of the emotional upheaval and length of my marriage, but I get closer everyday. It's a really hard decision, but you are in a good place, having a good job and good self esteem. Good luck to you. It's really hard.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Sat, 08-04-2007 - 7:32am

Yep, we tried counseling and it only tended to elevate things. He got meaner and uglier. I think by this time though, I was worn out and he absolutely refused to take any responsibility for his actions. He went into this counseling assuming it would "fix" me to be who he wanted. When it was going to take some effort on his part to change, he couldn't handle it. I did the same thing you did. I got myself on track, had a nice job, started my own business and became very successful at what I did. He sat back just waiting for me to fail. When I didn't, he turned it around and suddenly it was "our" business. He helped just enough so he could use that term. As time went on though, he started wearing me down to where I was years ago. I ended up seeking my own personal counseling. On my first visit to this counselor, it took a total of 20 minutes for this guy to decipher the situation. He looked at me and said "I don't normally recommend this on the first visit, but you need to divorce and divorce him now." I just looked at him and said, ok. He gave me a name of an attorney and off I went. I stayed on with the counseling for about 8 months. My attorney was awesome. He had the experience of dealing with people like him.

We almost had counseling years ago, but one phone call with the counselor that he was going to stopped it. The counselor never gave me a chance and told me it was my fault that he is having problems. I refused to go to that counselor, but did offer to try another one. As far as my x was concerned, we didn't need to go to another one because this one just validated that I was the problem.

I think you should give it a try though. I know when my marriage ended, I had no guilt feelings as far as he was concerned. Take some time though and do some research on your counselors. When I sought out my personal counselor I called several of them to see if they were qualified to address the problems that I was facing.