newly separated, h wants to work it out

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
newly separated, h wants to work it out
3
Sun, 03-27-2005 - 9:00pm
Hello,
I'm new here, and would greatly appreciate any advice. I feel so confused and I have no idea what to do.
We have been married for almost six years. We were just 24 and 26 when we got married. I moved out three months ago and since that time my husband has told me repeatedly that he wants to work things out. He says that he understands my issues now, and that he will try his best to make it work. The problem is that I told him so many times during our marriage how I felt and I tried and tried and tried. I feel like we don't have enough physical or emotional intimacy. I feel like he treats me like his buddy, not like a woman he loves. I need more love in my life and knowing him, I just can't see him being able to give me what I need. I really feel like I gave and gave to this marriage and tried many times to discuss our problems with him. I feel angry that only now, after I've moved out, does he finally see that our marriage had problems and only now is he willing to work on them. Sadly, over the time it has taken him to get to this point, I think I have lost a lot of feelings for him. I still love him, but I don't feel connected to him, not romantically anyway. I just don't want to make a huge mistake here. But I don't know if I'm emotionally capable of going back. I don't know if I can go through it all again. It'll just hurt 1000 times more if I go back and end up going through the whole cycle again. I'm 29 and want to feel young and alive and in love. Maybe I am selfish. I don't know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2005
Sun, 03-27-2005 - 9:57pm
I am currently in your situation, except I just left my H 3/11/05. I had been telling him for over a year that there we things we needed to work on, he chose to ignore me and pretend the problems didn't exist. Then two days after I moved out he wanted to go to counseling, work on things, said he thought I was "the one". We would have been married 7 years this July. I simply told him that he should have wanted to work on these things before I moved out, and now it is too late. I should also let you know that I left him about 5 years ago for the same issues we are currently having. He changed for about a year then reverted back to old habits. I am 33, will be 34 in May, and I decided that I want more out of life than he can offer. He has already proven that he isn't committed to long term change. I understand completely about your feelings being lost. I still care for him, but I don't think I love him anymore. I gave him everything I had emotionally and as far as I'm concerned he threw it away. I have been coming to this message board for over 2 months reading posts while I was deciding what do about my situation. It has helped me find the courage to leave and make me happy for a change instead of putting everyone else's needs and wants ahead of my own. Maybe that makes me selfish, but I don't think so. When I start feeling down I just tell myself that this too shall pass. It does help. I don't think you are selfish. You can only give so much for so long, then it is time to be done. Just wanted to offer you some support from someone in your situation. Best of luck to you on your new journey.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2005
Sun, 03-27-2005 - 11:47pm
Hi
I really appreciate you taking the time to reply to my message. It's good to hear from someone in the same situation. I thought about what you said about leaving five years ago. I was rereading an old diary from three years ago and I was saying all the exact same things. If I go back, I don't want three more years to go by before the whole cycle repeats itself and I want to leave again. He just seems so genuine about making it work. I feel like I should try. I'm having problems distinguishing my feelings toward him. I don't know if it's love, pity, obligation, guilt.
What a nightmare.
Thanks again for sharing your experience with me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 03-28-2005 - 12:09am
Do you have children together?

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