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| Tue, 07-17-2007 - 3:23pm |
xxx
Edited 7/31/2007 4:58 am ET by kanne2007
Edited 7/31/2007 4:58 am ET by kanne2007
| Tue, 07-17-2007 - 3:23pm |
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It's never clear when enough is enough.... but how many "one more times" can you endure?
I think, for me, when I stopped feeling as sad.... and felt more "mad" or bitter, I knew it was over.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Edited 7/31/2007 4:59 am ET by kanne2007
Kanne2007~
I just came across your post and couldn't help but respond. The point you're at is a place I know well. My husband and I separated for a year (after years of tension and conflict), and 2 months after he moved out to his brother's house he began "talking" with a woman from work who was, of course, very supportive and had just gone through a divorce herself. I didn't find out about any of this until much, much later. When I confronted him about it, he said it was just a friendship and that they only went out with groups of people.
Long story short, I eventually found out that they kissed (he won't admit to more, even though I found a duffle bag with dirty clothes and a box of condoms with one missing. Hmmm...He never did tell me where the other condom was, just said he couldn't remember), went to a concert, out to dinner, and I also found pictures of him and and our daughter playing at the beach that this OW had framed and given to him that he kept even after we reconciled. So, he was also taking our daughter places with the OW. This OW also gave our daughter gifts, which he gave to her in front of me or had me give to her not knowing they were from the OW.
We reconciled and have been living together again for 5 months, but I don't trust him at all and feel so betrayed. And, all this after years of his porn addiction, having called phone sex lines, looking at porn mags and movies.
Anyway, I, too, have had trouble knowing when enough is enough. Even though we reconciled, I still have thoughts of living on my own every single day. He doesn't like to talk about the past and certainly doesn't want to talk about what happened with the OW. I truly think I reconciled with him so quickly after moving out because I found out about the OW and didn't want him bringing someone else into our daughter's life. It makes me sick to my stomach to think abou it, even though I know it's inevitable if we split.
I, too, feel a strong sense of sadness about the whole darn thing. However, I do know that when I was living on my own, I loved it. I was very, very happy to be in my own space without the tension, conflict, and anger.
I think the one thing that really does help me is knowing that I, for the first time in my life, have my own friends (not just from being a couple) that love me and support me and will take my daughter on a moment's notice if I need them to, or will pick me up and take me to their house for comfort and a cup of tea.
Things have been better between us since we reconciled (BTW, he had a heart attack 2 weeks after I filed for divorce - family history) But with so much bad history, I just don't know if I want this anymore. I had issues with trusting men before I even met him, but his betrayal throughout our relationship has made it so much worse.
Well, I went rambling on much longer than I meant to.
I wish you peach in whatever decision you make. It's a very difficult time.
E
Edited 7/31/2007 4:59 am ET by kanne2007
when you say your heart isn't in it...honestly then why would you??
i as well was in a relationship for a long time where our connection got lost over the years as well, and only common denominator was a child - i'm not saying after our family was split, i didn't go through alot of guilt, depression etc. however - in the end, and knowing who i am today - i'm alot better, stronger & am living a life that speaks more about who i truly am - why, b/c my heart just wasn't in it...
i think we often go into relationships/marriages, not knowing who we truly are - we go in for reasons that often don't last a lifetime - so when the reasons wear off or expire, so does the relationship...you can try to revive it somehow, try to find more or new reasons...and maybe you could or will...but make sure you are truly listening to what it is that you really want - and yes, you're heart should always be in it - otherwise you won't feel alive and it'll never work...good luck!
Laurel :)
www.buildingwithbelief.com
Edited 7/31/2007 5:00 am ET by kanne2007
So my question is now? Do I just go ahead and file? Should I tell him that I am? Should I ask him if he wants to use a mediator? I want to be fair but I don't want to give him any advantages of course. Any feedback on what others went thru are welcome. Thanks for listening and all your responses.>
no one can tell you what to do - obviously - and no one truly knows what you are experiencing other than yourself...but of course we can all share - in my experience w/my first real relationship, we lost the connection & i was okay w/not getting it back - w/my second (and current) there have been moments where i lost connection, however out of no where, we just reconnected w/out any thought/planning etc...some relationships we have, have more power over us than others...only you can judge for yourself what type you are in & what type you want - my conclusion on this, is that we often desire, or our heart desire's the partner in which we don't have as much control over, nor our connection to them - they are the connections that make us feel alive - challenge us & help us to grow...so even they are harder and run the risk of pain, they help to bring out more understanding in order to be more loving, more compassionate & help us evolve as human beings - i know i'm going off on the deep end w/this - but it's how i believe ;)
so you have to weigh the options w/all of that in mind - what type of connection did you have before - how strong was it - was your vision for yourselves & your future the same? what was your commonality, your bond & would that take you into the future...
you say that you have no desire for the reconnection - is that anger speaking? you say that the anger is going away, so maybe not & maybe it really is the end of things?
i'm a little unclear - so you are currently separated - living separately? if so, how long for? sounds like if so, then you may really be ready for the divorce process - i know in my state, you have to wait it out at least a yr before completely cutting the cord -
the only real advice i can give is to be to be as honest w/him as you can - you know him, how will he react etc. - and do your best to be prepared for it - usually if both people are okay w/the ending, it can be worked out w/a mediator more easily...hopefully if you can really discuss things w/him & see if you are at the same place, then it will be handled better...
good luck w/a certain decision...
Laurel :)
Edited 7/31/2007 5:00 am ET by kanne2007
agh - okay, i'm clearer - one thing that i refuse to do is treat my husband like a 4th child - and therefore i can completely see why you are drained in that area...
at some point they have to grow up - there are alot of women that will cater & do whatever it is to make them "happy" - but if i did so, i would do nothing else in life...
i have picked up on & told my husband as well some things that he has chosen to ignore - & some of the same things the therapist is picking up on - and i'm soooo glad we're going b/c i thought i was going crazy - he's only been once, so i'm hoping that she will really lay it on the table - and if she does & he still doesn't do anything or ignores her, then i know that i have completely done all that i can do -
but one thing is for sure...i will not go back to the way things were & living my life w/such a huge headache - i don't think relationships are ever "easy", especially marriages - however, there is huge power in ownership & that's where i think he fell short - always wanting to blame me - i know i wasn't perfect, possibly never will be ;) and no one is - however...it's up to you whether you choose to stay happy or mad & i won't be married to a mad person - bottomline - you can either deal w/your issues & problems in an adult way or like a child for the rest of your life - but i'm not going to be your mother ;)
take your chance & run!!! LOL - just kidding -
but since you are aware of all of this, i would just lay it all out in front of him, just like you have here - allow him to choose what he wants to do w/it, but just know in your mind, you're not going back to living like someone carrying such a huge weight & must take the necessary steps to ensure that...
it's like my two-yr-old twins in the pool & my daughter completely jumping on top of my son - if it weren't for me there, he'd totally drowned - not her fault, she really didn't have any idea - she thought he was something to grab on to - but she would've drowned him and not realized it until it was too late - i won't be drowned :)
take care -
Laurel :)
Edited 7/31/2007 5:01 am ET by kanne2007
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