newly separated looking for feedback

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
newly separated looking for feedback
13
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 3:23pm
xxx


Edited 7/31/2007 4:58 am ET by kanne2007

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 1:13pm

Your welcome & no you are not alone, lol. And you are right - it's the expectations that get us every time...I think there is nothing wrong w/hoping & wishing - however, knowing is a whole other ball game. And honestly I know that there is little to none chance that my husband will make the necessary changes for the marriage or "the dream" - or if he does, having faith in his ability to maintain them is another game. However, I am committed my own personal growth & will give it a little longer to make sure that it is the best decision.

End the end, you really just have to ask yourself if the benefits of the marriage/relationship are outweighing the costs - and if so, that's when you really need to make a final decision.

It's crazy b/c we wish there was a clean break, the decision was easy etc., however it's not the movies & real life is a process. Everything is about timing & has it's own time - we say we want happily ever after - but there is no such thing...even if we found the "perfect" man, job etc. - where we only saw all that we wanted to see, there would come a day where the blinders would be taken off & the sun would possibly be too bright for us to stand, lol :)

It's just a matter of what you can or cannot take withstand & what you choose to based on where you are at in your own process...and I will say that men have a tendency to mature later in life...so it makes it that much harder on women concerning "relationships" ;)

Laurel :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2007
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 1:38pm

The picture of myself that recently came to mind is that I'm living in a box. When we got married (actually, from the time we started living together, 2 months after we started dating), I feel like I was put in this box with the lid open, but as time went by, the lid kept closing and closing, and pretty soon it was shut tight, and no light could get in. And we were living with all of his expectations and wants and needs, without a whole lot of room for mine. His views of men's and women's roles are pretty rigid. And, so, whenever I would try to make a change and push the lid of the box up just a bit, he would slam it down tight out of fear and insecurity.

I don't think he realized this a lot of the time. I just think he wants us to have the marriage his parents had, which was fine for them, but I'm not his mom (she is a bitter, negative B, for the most part.)

He's not the worst person in the world. He does have good qualities and will be a good partner for someone that doesn't mind deferring to the man to make all of the "big" decisions, and doesn't mind giving up their hopes and dreams for him.

I love how you said, "I have goals, dreams, and want to be the best person, mother, friend, daughter that I can be. I am always looking for ways to improve, change with the times, and evolve to the person that I know I can be. He is just content to watch the world go by. I want to Live IT! I think he just boggs me down and I feel much lighter and carefree without him."

I feel exactly the same way. I remember him saying to me after we reconciled that one of the things that drives him crazy about me is that I'm always trying to save the world. He said that he can only worry about himself and his family (well, mostly about himself). Can you imagine if everyone felt that way?

One of the best sayings I've ever read was (something like this):

"Women think men will change, and men think women will never change. They are both wrong." I've never forgotten that and I must have read it 15 years ago.

Thanks for the support!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2007
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 2:58pm
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Edited 7/31/2007 5:02 am ET by kanne2007

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