Newly separated - not my choice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2005
Newly separated - not my choice!
16
Sat, 01-08-2005 - 11:55pm
Hi new here. I could use some advice from those who have "gone before". My husband of 10 years recently told me the dreaded "sorry hon, I don't love you anymore - we have nothing in common, something is missing in our marriage". Yet, he can't tell me what "it" is. We have two beautiful children 8 & 3. Some days I'm so angry that I feel I could pop and other nights like tonight - I just cry and cry, wondering where he might be now that he has moved out. He swears it's not about another woman. But he can't tell me what it is. I think he's very depressed - a typical 41-year-old, male, mid-life crisis. He keeps saying "it's me, not you" - like that is suppose to make it easier. Anyhow, I'm just devastated. I always knew our marriage wasn't perfect - he's no peach to live with, not many people like him actually. But the love is still there in my heart - you can't just turn it off after being together for 11 years. How long does it take for love to die? Gosh, I just feel like I'm drowing in sorrow. How do you get over someone you still have to see several times a week because of the pick-up time for the kids? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2005
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 12:05am
I'm so sorry for the pain you are going through. I cannot give you any advice or answers, because I'm not where you are....yet. It hurts like hell when you love someone and you can't just turn it off and move on. You are not alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2005
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 12:21am
Thank you so much for your kind words. It's so hard to be the one left-behind, the one who still loves. It's humiliating and debilitating all at the same time. Yet, you have to go on each day for the children. It's a nightmere. He stole my future, my dreams. Gosh, I sound pitiful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 1:51am

huge hugs and welcome. no its not going to be easy for you to get *over* this - espcially since you are going to have daily contact with him over the kids.


I know that you are feeling hurt and angry right now - and you have every right to feel this way. but I reallystrongly urge you to sit down with a lawyer and make sure that you know what your (and your kids) rights are in reagards to money and visitation etc. he is calling the shots re the divorce - you cannot control that - but DON'T let him call the shots re everything else. I know that he swears its not another woman blah blah blah, but (sorry to say) it DOES sound like there is another woman - or at least the dream or potential of a nother woman invovled. the last thing you need right now is for him to walk off with all the money/house/etc and you will be left with nothing. and no - marriage/life is NOT just about money - but trust me - from someone who walked away with less than nothing - it is something that we need to survive.


Its perfectly normal for you to feel down and depressed and then angry ---- but if you feel this is going on for too long - it might be a good idea for you to see a therapist, especially since you have your kids to deal with , but also for yourself. and of course, you may want to re-read what you wrote: <<<I always knew our marriage wasn't perfect - he's no peach to live with, not many people like him actually. >>> and ask yourself why *you* put up with this for so long....


hugs and good luck

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 9:48pm

Hi and welcome to the board. I'm sorry that you find yourself in the position to need to find a board like this, but I can tell you that this board has been a huge source of support for me for a long time...

I can completely understand where you are, because in many ways, I've been there myself. I was only married for 4 years when my xh dropped the bomb, but we did have an almost 2 year old at the time too, so I can understand on those two levels.

As hard as it is, it only takes one to get a divorce, so while you are trying to make it through this difficult time, I encourage you to find joy in your children. When my xh left, I found one thing each day that my little boy did to make me smile and I would rely on that to get me through the next day... eventually things do start to get better, though it takes different amounts of time for each of us...

Try to do little things for yourself to make you happy--I bought a silly coffee mug one day because I wanted it... and then I was proud for doing something for myself and in a sense, starting to put myself first (as opposed to the marriage)... try to get things in order as well, and begin preparing for the divorce--make copies of financial papers, talk to a lawyer and find out your rights, because you do have rights, even if it feels as if your world has just crumbled around you...

Please keep us posted... many of us have been right there in your shoes... it does get better with time... let us know how you're doing!

*hugs*

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2005
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 10:21pm
Thank you all so much for your replys for a new-bee. I do have an appointment with a lawyer on Wednesday. I've succumb to the fact that I am not a fighter, never have been, so I need a lawyer to fight this battle for me. My hub wants to "mediate" and save money, I told him no way. I have my 2 children to think about for the rest of my life. I'm glad I'm in the anger phase I guess as I start with an attorney as it'll make things easier to deal with. Always heard the phrase "taking him to the cleaners" and I used to think "gosh, how could you feel that way about someone you once loved" - but now I'm there and totally understand. I actually called the hub tonight after he spoke to the kids as I knew he was home and not at a bar someplace. We talked, and we cried. He has no answers for me, he is seriously depressed and finally seeking help. He says he's been unhappy around 4 years. Says he was angry in the morning because it was morning, and angry at night because he had to go to bed and face the morning. Hates his job, he is clinically depressed, classic case. I guess I was just hoping for more answers then I got the first time around "just don't love you, we have nothing in common, we're different people" just didn't cut it with me as I don't believe much of that crap. Anyway - this is about me, not him. I feel better now that we spoke - for selfish reasons of course, I'm happy that I reminded him just how miserable he has made me and that I'm sure makes him feel even worse. He deserves it. Sounds as though you have all been through with hurt and healing. So that gives me encouragement that the healing will happen. I just feel like I was hit by a bus. My life and future practically changed overnight. I know it will take time to mourn the death of my marriage. I'm also thinking of talking to someone (besides my Pastor), I know it would be good for me. Just finding the time as I'm a stay at home Mom with no one to watch my daughter. But I can still swing it - just have to get there mentally - but thanks for the encouragement. I enjoyed reading all the posts. Thanks so much again for caring.
Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 01-09-2005 - 10:43pm

I just had another thought... there is an organization that does support groups, through churches throughout the US--it is called Divorce Care, and they do have a website (www.divorcecare.com)... they also have daily emails that they will send you automatically, that you can sign up for--even though I am coming up on a year being divorced (and no one can believe it more than I can), I still read them daily and they help...

*hugs*

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 11:01am
My situation is very similar. My husband also dropped the bomb on me about the divorce. Although he is saying that I am the person who wants the divorce. I have begged him to go to couples counseling but he says their is nothing to work on. I am crushed and having a hard time adjusting to this reality. I have a 2 year old and a 7 month old. I don't understand how he can leave us. It would be easier if I understood why. It is hard to imagine ever being happy again. I have started going to therapy and I don't know if I could have made it this far with out it. It is really worth whatever effort it takes to get there. Hang in there. It has to get better, right?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 11:33am
I'm in the same place you are as well. But without children thankfully.
My husband is a very selfish man. He admits to it and states that he has to come first. I am not happy in this marriage either, but I feel that there are things we could work on to save it...he is unwilling to. I'm devastated. Just wanted you to know that you aren't alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2005
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 2:39pm
You know I've had the same conversation with my husband. I think women always put them selves last in the list of priorities and men put themselves first. It is hard to be last on everyone's list. Who puts me first?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Mon, 01-10-2005 - 5:05pm

well dang... there's a lot of us in the same boat with you...my divorce finlized a month ago... he said he just wasn't happy, that I was boring, that I had no friends outside of his social cirlce (because he was an a-hole to MY friends who, by the way, have stood by me!), blah, blah, blah... he DID go to counseling, but not because his heart was in it, but because it made him look like he at least tried in front of his friends who all told him he is an idiot for leaving the best thing that ever happened to him. I also tolerated his crap and put the marriage first... I had taken those vows very seriously... it makes me sad to have to acknowledge that he treated me horribly (verbally abusive, always putting me down... I never quite felt good enough) and I ALLOWED it and still felt that I loved him. I am still grieving, not him so much, but the loss of what I thought my marriage and life with him would be... but it's getting better every day... I have to remind myself sometimes of the good things in my life, but they DO exist and I have begun seeing them again...

my ex also said there was no one else... then hit on other women in front of me after we agreed to divorce but while we still lived together... that was when I was totally and completely done... the complete lack of respect for me finally came thru loud and clear. It hurt. Bad.

I feel for you and wish I had some comforting words...

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