newly separated, pending divorce...help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
newly separated, pending divorce...help!
5
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 1:28pm

I am truly freaking out here. This my first time here.

Info on me: I'm 21, and in Seattle. I got married when I was 17, he was 19 after meeting in June, getting engaged in July, moving in with him (from TX to CA) in August, and married in December. I immediately got pregnant, and here we are four years later with a 3 year old son and a 6 1/2 month old daughter. He's military, I'm not. I have no job skills (okay, I modeled from 12 until I got married, and I briefly bartended at 19, but come on now, that ain't really going to help me now).

So, last Monday he comes home and says he doesn't love me anymore. Um, okay, can we say out of the big blue sky of unexpectedness? He gets out of the military at the end of November and we were in the process of buying a house in Houston (where I'm from, he's from NY). We signed separation papers yesterday. All I get are the kids and what I pack up and leave with. The military says since I'm supposed to move in November, no problem, they'll move me and the kids now. Okay, yesterday I get confirmation of a 6:30 AM flight Friday morning, which means whatever I can fit in my luggage is what I get, plus the kid's furniture and toys will be shipped to me, and I can have my laptop (he bought it thinking it would help him pursuade me to go to medical school, but I have no urge whatsoever to go to medical school...) Great, I'm out of here. In exchange, he's keeping the cars, all the other furniture, and all the debts/liabilities. Okay, I can handle this. I'll get child support and he's giving me $1000 to schedule a vacation to see my best friend in Boston at the end of August. Sounds good, I'm taking it. Not the problem.

Here's the first problem. PSD (they handled my plane ticket, part of the military) calls me five minutes ago to say, 'we can't send you home until November'. Um, what? Then what was the confirmation for? 'sorry, we can only discuss this with the active duty member.' Then why did you call and ask for me??? I swear, sometimes I really hate the military.

Second problem. He's telling me I better not be seeing anybody until we're divorced, oh, but he's having a bachelor party here on Saturday. And he's going to go out to bars and 'blow off some steam.' But I can't do anything?

He says I'm getting off easy. How is that? Now I have to find a job, making hardly anything, try to get on my feet, take care of two kids with absolutely no help, try to get an apartment or something, and go to school so eventually I can get a better paying job and take care of my kids! I have to move in with my mother and her boyfriend, who, by the way, does not care for me too much at all (the boyfriend, not my mother). Meanwhile, I have my brother wanting to 'beat some sense' into my husband, and my mother riding my tail because I signed the seperation papers and agreed to what I agreed to. My dad's on my case because 'he told me so' but hello, he signed the papers for me to get married! And in the middle of all of this, I'm supposed to quit smoking???

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-06-2006
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 7:02am

Oh hunny! You are in quite the pickle. Try to think of the positives in this situation...At least you learned at a young age that the man you were "bonded to for life" was not the kind of man you need. As far as him "laying down the law" and telling you you cannot see anyone until the divorce is final, I say tough cookies buddy! He doesn't love you or want to be with you, but he's going to try to tell you how to live your life? You're legally separated, he has no say in your life now. Not that I think seeing someone else right now is going to make things easier for you, but don't let his opinions rule your life. It's your life now, and he has no say in it. That was his choice, not yours. He'll have to learn to be a big boy and deal with it! Be strong, stand up for yourself, do what you feel is right, and you'll make it through this in one piece.

Much love!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 11:08am
I just wanted to say this aside: you are a great writer. Excellent, even. I mean I am completely sorry about your predicament, and keep writing here because we will help you figure it out! I am divorced almost a year so I have some experience .. but no kids. Feel free to e-mail me anytime - in_a_heartbeatph3@yahoo.com and in the meantime we are here for you. Love Fzz
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2006
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 1:09pm

Divorce is never easy. You do what you can to help yourself. Don't let him tell you what to do, you are separated. It's not his business if you want to see anyone, which probably isn't a good idea considering what you are going through, you don't need added headache. Don't worry about your mom's boyfriend, he wants her to himself which is very selfish and childish. Your mom will set him straight. You will get through this. I've been divorced for three years and in the beginning it was difficult, but I'm a stronger person now. I don't know if you enjoy reading, but self-improvement books and audios are a great way to help you understand things better. Psychology of Winning by Dennis Wheatley is a great book.

Keep writing here so others can give you support plus it will help you to air things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2006
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 1:23pm

I have no desire whatsoever to bring anymore man bullsh*t into my life at this point. I won't say never, because I don't truly know that, but my kids are the most important thing in the world to me, and I refuse to do anything during this that might make it harder for them. I know I'm young, but I know I have my head on right when it comes to my kids. If nothing else, I've done right by them.

And my husband, or soon to be ex, or whatever I'm supposed to call him now, can straight up kiss it. My business is my business now, and unless it pertains to the children, he doesn't need to know. That's what I keep telling him.

I know divorce is hard no matter what, but I feel like I'm dying here. I met him, fell madly in love, and everything went so fast. I feel like I'm losing my soulmate here. I have hardcore daddy issues, so this just seems like the end of the world. I know it's not; it's just the beginning, but it's still hard.

And yes, my mom has set her boyfriend straight. I just did the mature thing and voiced my concerns to her, and she told him the whole story. He's gone through divorce, they both have, and they understand. They hope we can work things out, but I just don't know about that since we're already at this point, but they're supportive. They said they'll do anything they can to help, which I'm very thankful for.

I haven't really told my dad yet. He knows I'm coming home and that we've had some problems, but he doesn't know exactly why I'm coming home. I'll tell him, I'm just putting it off...I don't want the lecture. I'm doing this, I'm staying strong, I haven't cried or lost my mind. I'm being strong for my kids and I know when I get home to my mom's house they'll go to sleep and my mom'll mix some margaritas and we'll talk about it and cry and scream just like we did with her divorce (though that was years ago and I think it was virgin pina coladas then...) and then I'll get it all out and I'll be okay.

I have a plan. Maybe not a very good one, but I've never been through this before so I don't know. I'm getting a job at my mom's company in the legal department doing filing and stuff like that and I'm going to school at night. In nine months I'll be certified and able to get a better job in the same department. I'm very blessed to have my mother willing to help me through this.

And I'm very thankful that I found this board!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2006
Wed, 08-02-2006 - 1:46pm

Good for you! Having a job to go to once you are with your mom is wonderful. And she sounds like a terrific person.....exactly what a mom should be. Eventhough you have had problems with your dad in the past, I doubt he will lecture you....afterall, you are his daughter and he loves you and only wants the best for you. Try not to second guess, it will be easier on you. I understand it's difficult for you because you loved your ex so much. You have your mom to talk with and members of this board too.

You sound like a great mom yourself. You will get that back tenfold.

I am a true believer that everything happens for a reason and that we attract people, situations, and things to us from the thoughts we have and the words we say. Keep on telling yourself that you are going to be successful; that you are getting though this and that it is just a bump in the road that you are overcoming. Use positive, present tense everyday. It is amazing what will occur.