Newly Separated....Any Hope??

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2006
Newly Separated....Any Hope??
5
Thu, 07-05-2007 - 11:02pm

OK, I'm going to try & make this as short & to the point as possible. But...ya know... I'm 34 & my husband is 23. When we married, I knew he was irresponsible with $$, priorities, etc. I knew that he was 100% in love with me & figured I could handle the rest. A little background on my hubby....he came from a VERY dysfunctional home, lots of drug abuse & instability (both he & his parents). Anyway..he isn't emotionally & logically wired like he should be, if that makes sense.

Anyway...things were going great until he joined a band this past summer. We were married in May. The band gave him the "brotherhood" that he needed. He hates his job & is used to living spur of the moment, not planning ahead & not knowing what will happen months down the road. Stability & normalcy scares the crap out of him. Problem is....thats what married life is...bills, mowing the lawn, jobs, etc. For the past several months he has become more & more distant, spending more & more time with the band & acting less loving towards me. We split for a week in April. He said that he realized he wanted to be with me, that the marriage wasn't the problem, that the problem was all of his responsibilities, job he hates, etc, etc. So we got back together.

Now its July & he has been moved out for a little over one week. He says that he just may not be cut out for marriage. That maybe he is just too selfish to take responsibility for anyone other than himself. He guarantees me that he loves me & it has nothing to do with me, that its all him. So we agree to split until the end of July & see what happens. We were supposed to get together tomorrow for lunch & a movie. Today I get an email from him saying that he just cant do it. That he cant be the person that I want & he wants to end it. He admitted he was too chicken to do it in person or over the phone (YEAH...a little understatment!!).

So we got together this evening to talk about this. I know without a doubt that he loves me & wants to do what is best for me. He said that he goes through really bad downward emotional spirals every five years or so & he thinks that may be what is going on. But he says he is still scared to death of living a "normal" life...again, the band thing. Told him I'm fine with that, I never expected a normal life with him & that I will stick with him as long as he loves me & wants to be with me. He said he wants that more than anything & that he emailed me that because he figured I would hurt less if he just ended it rather than making me wait around for him to work through his issues. I told him that I was willing to wait if he really wanted us to be together for the long haul. He said he does, but that right now he just needs to be alone, regroup & get his emotions back on the right track. So as of now, the plan is that we're going to separate for at least a few months & see how things go. He said his aunt & uncle went through this same exact thing, they split up for 3 months & they've been together for 20 years.

Problem is.....he is TERRIFIED of confrontation. Would rather bury his head in the sand than discuss a problem. So part of me is worried that I'm forcing him into giving this another chance when he really doesn't want to. I made sure to ask him that a zillion & one times today. To make sure he really does want to try & make this work & he assurred me he does. He just needs his space for a while. We're having lunch tomorrow & going to a movie before the official moving out split. He will be moving an hour away, where the band is. Plan is for us to just email when needed at first & then slowly work into talking & then back to dating.

Question is...am I just deluding myself?? Do you think he really does want to make this work or have I forced him into trying again when he really doesn't want to? Deep down....I have no doubt that he loves me, but I'm just afraid that he isn't cut out for marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-07-2007
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 8:37pm
I went through the same thing, just about, except my ex and I have a 1 yr old son. He is 23 and I am 21. Hehas the same fear of responsiblity, obligation, ect. Right after our son was born in may 2006, we started argueing more than usual, we separated for about a week when our son was two weeks old. We got back together, and I knew he loved me, but then a few months later we separated for a few days, and the on again off again went on for about a month.We spent the last part of November apart(his birthday and Thanksgiving). Shortly after he moved back in and we decided that he was going to move back to his hometown (about an hour away), where all of his friends and family were...he really isn't close to his family, he just likes to be around his friends to party, hang-out, be 23 year olds, while im at home with a nursing baby feeling like I'm 15 years older than I really am. so we decide he'd move back, but we'd stay together, that he just needed a break.but he had to wait until january because of his job. on christmas eve, we had our final blow up. he took off to mobile and lived there and we did not speak (only for child visitation)for months. i loved him more than anything in the world. like you, i was willing to do anything to keep our family together. i was willing to go to counseling (he was not), give him his "space", anything that would make him happy. well, after the past 6 months of the on again off again, he not really committing or giving me any answers, one week not picking up any phonecalls (even to see our son) and then the next week being overly nice, telling me that he loves me, out of no where he suggested we finally go to counseling because he said he loved me and would like to make things work, that he wanted to be with me. after two weeks of counseling and he assuring me that he was giving it %100 and that it was really working and that we'd be ok, he dropped a bomb on me last friday. he told me that he really thought about it and that he had to finally come clean, that he was no longer in love with me, that he really didn't even like me (which i sensed over a year ago from his behavior, lack of affection, always wanting to be with his other friends in mobile)and that he only told me that he loved me because he thought it would make me happy and that he didn't want to hurt my feelings and also because he thought that if i were happy, our son would be happy. what he doesn't realize is that all of the energy that i put into worrying about the state of our relationship, and him...that all took away from the energy i could have been focusing towards our son. now i think back on all of the stuff he said, did, didn't do. it all makes sense. i just didn't want to really admit it. i would look at other situations that were similar and say that ours wasn't like that, that he really did love me and that it would be ok because that was all that was important. i was in denial. i'm just glad that it didn't take anymore time to finally come to this realization. be glad you don't have any children with this person. you really can make a clean break. i'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but you deserve to have a guy that is head over heels for you, that makes you feel loved and appreciated. i wish you the best. keep your head up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2006
Sat, 07-07-2007 - 9:14pm
Hi there Polly, Im Leah, and I understand you are in a tuff situation right now. Sounds like to me you have done alot to try to save this relationship, and he has done very little. Can I ask you, did he propose, and if so was it spur of the moment or did you kinda have to do some gentle pushing. I guess the whole reason I am asking is because when we are in a relationship we dont always have a real clear perspective of what is really going on. I would say do your best to make it work, but if it doesnt, just let it go gracfully, and try to remain friends. Life is to short to try to work at things that dont really want to work. Good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2006
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 10:16am
Hi! It was him that did the proposing.....one month after dating. At that point he was a great guy. Now he is the total opposite of the guy I first met. As of now, we are permanently apart. He said he is confused & doesn't think he is cut out for marriage. He also thinks too much damage has been done to repair. He is still considering things before he decides on divorce. I know he loves me & cares for me, but I just dont think he is in love with me or wants to be married anymore
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2007
Thu, 07-12-2007 - 12:30pm

Hi...your story sounds very similar to mine. My husband is 9 years younger, a musician, had a very unstable upbringing with addiction in the home. Our relationship started deteriorating once he joined 2 bands (practicing 4 evenings a week) and going to shows 2 other nights a week. When I confronted him, he said he wanted to give music 100%. He still has never come out and said he doesn't want to be with me, I think he too is terrified of confrontation. My husband moved out 3 months ago, and he has given up on therapy, and doesn't really ever communicate with me. I got a text message on my birthday!

Hang in there, hopefully things will become clearer for you. I'm now realizing that I need to be the strong one, that he is weak and incapable. I know I will probably be the one to finally file, to move on. It sucks, but hopefully in the long run I can hold my head high.

Take care.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2006
Fri, 07-13-2007 - 10:20pm

Wow. Our stories really are similar!! Mine is deathly afraid of any kind of confrontation...so I get little lies to cover up stuff that shouldnt be lied about in the first place. Saw "my" marriage counselor today & she said he is deluded. That he thinks he is this big, strong "in charge" guy, but he is really a follower. Now that he is in the band w/young guys that cheat & do drugs, he is back into his old habits. She said he is like a kid in the candy store for the first time & cant say no to anything. She said that he is most likely falling back into old patterns, just because it feels familiar to him. When we got together, he assured me that he was done w/his wild days of partying. That he had, had enough of that to last several lifetimes. Now that marriage is a struggle, he has to run back to what is familiar to him. She also told me that the man I'm dealing with now is not the same man I married. She suggested that I just get on with my life & hope he grows up & comes around eventually. Still having a hard time dealing with it & wishing the man I married would return (instead of this monster he has turned into), but I'm slowly getting back to functioning again.