Newly Separated....Any Hope??
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| Thu, 07-05-2007 - 11:02pm |
OK, I'm going to try & make this as short & to the point as possible. But...ya know... I'm 34 & my husband is 23. When we married, I knew he was irresponsible with $$, priorities, etc. I knew that he was 100% in love with me & figured I could handle the rest. A little background on my hubby....he came from a VERY dysfunctional home, lots of drug abuse & instability (both he & his parents). Anyway..he isn't emotionally & logically wired like he should be, if that makes sense.
Anyway...things were going great until he joined a band this past summer. We were married in May. The band gave him the "brotherhood" that he needed. He hates his job & is used to living spur of the moment, not planning ahead & not knowing what will happen months down the road. Stability & normalcy scares the crap out of him. Problem is....thats what married life is...bills, mowing the lawn, jobs, etc. For the past several months he has become more & more distant, spending more & more time with the band & acting less loving towards me. We split for a week in April. He said that he realized he wanted to be with me, that the marriage wasn't the problem, that the problem was all of his responsibilities, job he hates, etc, etc. So we got back together.
Now its July & he has been moved out for a little over one week. He says that he just may not be cut out for marriage. That maybe he is just too selfish to take responsibility for anyone other than himself. He guarantees me that he loves me & it has nothing to do with me, that its all him. So we agree to split until the end of July & see what happens. We were supposed to get together tomorrow for lunch & a movie. Today I get an email from him saying that he just cant do it. That he cant be the person that I want & he wants to end it. He admitted he was too chicken to do it in person or over the phone (YEAH...a little understatment!!).
So we got together this evening to talk about this. I know without a doubt that he loves me & wants to do what is best for me. He said that he goes through really bad downward emotional spirals every five years or so & he thinks that may be what is going on. But he says he is still scared to death of living a "normal" life...again, the band thing. Told him I'm fine with that, I never expected a normal life with him & that I will stick with him as long as he loves me & wants to be with me. He said he wants that more than anything & that he emailed me that because he figured I would hurt less if he just ended it rather than making me wait around for him to work through his issues. I told him that I was willing to wait if he really wanted us to be together for the long haul. He said he does, but that right now he just needs to be alone, regroup & get his emotions back on the right track. So as of now, the plan is that we're going to separate for at least a few months & see how things go. He said his aunt & uncle went through this same exact thing, they split up for 3 months & they've been together for 20 years.
Problem is.....he is TERRIFIED of confrontation. Would rather bury his head in the sand than discuss a problem. So part of me is worried that I'm forcing him into giving this another chance when he really doesn't want to. I made sure to ask him that a zillion & one times today. To make sure he really does want to try & make this work & he assurred me he does. He just needs his space for a while. We're having lunch tomorrow & going to a movie before the official moving out split. He will be moving an hour away, where the band is. Plan is for us to just email when needed at first & then slowly work into talking & then back to dating.
Question is...am I just deluding myself?? Do you think he really does want to make this work or have I forced him into trying again when he really doesn't want to? Deep down....I have no doubt that he loves me, but I'm just afraid that he isn't cut out for marriage.

Hi...your story sounds very similar to mine. My husband is 9 years younger, a musician, had a very unstable upbringing with addiction in the home. Our relationship started deteriorating once he joined 2 bands (practicing 4 evenings a week) and going to shows 2 other nights a week. When I confronted him, he said he wanted to give music 100%. He still has never come out and said he doesn't want to be with me, I think he too is terrified of confrontation. My husband moved out 3 months ago, and he has given up on therapy, and doesn't really ever communicate with me. I got a text message on my birthday!
Hang in there, hopefully things will become clearer for you. I'm now realizing that I need to be the strong one, that he is weak and incapable. I know I will probably be the one to finally file, to move on. It sucks, but hopefully in the long run I can hold my head high.
Take care.
Wow. Our stories really are similar!! Mine is deathly afraid of any kind of confrontation...so I get little lies to cover up stuff that shouldnt be lied about in the first place. Saw "my" marriage counselor today & she said he is deluded. That he thinks he is this big, strong "in charge" guy, but he is really a follower. Now that he is in the band w/young guys that cheat & do drugs, he is back into his old habits. She said he is like a kid in the candy store for the first time & cant say no to anything. She said that he is most likely falling back into old patterns, just because it feels familiar to him. When we got together, he assured me that he was done w/his wild days of partying. That he had, had enough of that to last several lifetimes. Now that marriage is a struggle, he has to run back to what is familiar to him. She also told me that the man I'm dealing with now is not the same man I married. She suggested that I just get on with my life & hope he grows up & comes around eventually. Still having a hard time dealing with it & wishing the man I married would return (instead of this monster he has turned into), but I'm slowly getting back to functioning again.