New,need ideas

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
New,need ideas
7
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 10:51pm
So I am in the process of getting a rather amicable divorce. My STBx has been quite understanding and respectful considering this is mainly all my doing. Nothing specific that anyone can put their finger on, just the feeling that he and I both deserve better. My problem is that almost every night, I get very lonely and want to call him. This hurts him tremendously the next day when I then push him away. I live in a very remote area with no friends or family up here (moving but not for another 6 weeks) we have 4 boys and they keep me occupied during the day but I need suggestions on how not to do this to him. I know it hurts him, I know wit does and my intentions are not malicious. After 10 years though, I miss my best friend.
Thank you!
Stacy Mom to 4 wonderful boys DW to an awesome DH
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
In reply to: stacyz76
Thu, 06-07-2007 - 11:15pm

Well, if you don't want to do it, then just don't do it. It's a choice. I would think though, that if you continue doing it, it's because you are getting something very significant out of it.

A lot of people do things that hurt those around them, but in that moment their own needs come first and they deal with the guilt later. Only 2 things could happen in this scenario: 1) You stop the behaviour- put this man's welfare before your own or 2) He puts his foot down and refuses to service your need to have him respond to you and thereby takes the responsibility for keeping himself well into his own hands- which it sounds like he really needs to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
In reply to: stacyz76
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 7:00am

I'm sure it has been hard on you. You sound like you have some guilt over purusuing a divorce. I wish I had some wise words to help you but I don't. Forgive yourself for wanting to leave him and try try try not to call him anymore. It's not helping either one of you.

Good luck. Post here or find a chat room every time you get the urge to call him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
In reply to: stacyz76
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 8:19am

Yes, post here or call another friend(s) or family member who understands. Write in a journal, etc.

The first poster said it well. Do him the kindness at some sacrifice to yourself of giving him the space to heal!!!

You two are going to have to interact quite a bit with four kids between you, so, at least minimize the rest of the contact as much as possible to help him let go (and you). Over time he and you may be able to be just friends.

M

PS How are your four children handling the separation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
In reply to: stacyz76
Fri, 06-08-2007 - 6:57pm
Thanks for the advice. I know it was selfish and wrong, which is why I was posting for ideas. .. I started reading a book which is something I haven’t had time to do in years, it helped last night.
The boys are taking it better than expected. Hopefully, because we have both gone way out of our ways to put them as first as we can, they will continue to be okay. The two oldest grades slipped a little this quarter while the 3rd raised his so who knows...?
We talk about things openly and I told my 2nd(who is taking it the hardest) its okay to be mad,sad,whatever because he was bottling it up. He let it all out about 2 weeks ago and has been doing much better since. My youngest is 4 and he seems kind of oblivious to it.
Thanks for asking.
Stacy Mom to 4 wonderful boys DW to an awesome DH
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2007
In reply to: stacyz76
Sun, 06-10-2007 - 12:51pm
It's very odd to go from being so close to someone, to virtually no contact. I think it is very natural that you miss him, and want to call him. If you're really wanting the divorce, then you physically and mentally have to find something else to do when you want to call him. I had the same problem during my divorce, and my mind would be going in a hundred different directions when I wanted to call him. I came to realize that if I wanted to get over him, and move on, I had to remove him from every part of my life (since we have no kids, it was slightly easier for me). I'm not the type of girl who can stay "friends". So, when the urge comes, it may be best to get out of the house, away from the phone....and no taking your cell phone! Go to the gym.....wal-mart....somewhere....anywhere....give yourself a couple of hours, and it should pass.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
In reply to: stacyz76
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 12:21am
Thank you KY! That was incredibly helpful. I appreciate it :)
Stacy Mom to 4 wonderful boys DW to an awesome DH
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
In reply to: stacyz76
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 6:09pm
Stacy--Are you certain that you want this divorce? You seem to feel so friendly toward your STBX, and you haven't expressed much of a problem in the marriage. Could it be something that you can work out with counseling and time?
Please don't think I'm judging you--I'm not--just hoping that you don't make a decision that you later regret, particularly with your four boys involved.

Cat 

Mom to 5: DS-17, DD-16, DD-11, DD-9, DS-7