No Contact Rule

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
No Contact Rule
13
Sun, 01-08-2006 - 11:25am
I can't seem to follow the no contact rule. I find myself wanting to see my ex, talk to my ex etc. How do you stop loving a man? I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore. I know everytime I contact him I am just hurting myself. Anyone have any advice on what I need to be doing when the urge hits? I am beginging to drive myself crazier. The suicidal thoughts are very strong some days. Someone help me!
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

Pages

Avatar for momof2youngins
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: mebrenda
Sun, 01-08-2006 - 11:57am

Brenda, the only advice I can think of to share with you is to conciously absorb yourself in another activity/thought/action when you have the urge or desire to call your EX. I see from your profile that you have two children. During the seperation from my XH, my children were a great way of keeping me "in the moment" and not allowing my mind and heart to wander to thoughts of my XH. I threw myself into making our new apartment feel like a home for my children and myself. I spent lots more quality time with my kids and I renewed my forgotten favorite hobbie...counted cross stitching.

While my divorce was a mutual decision by both of us....I still love him. And if he were ever to show any interest in getting back together...I would probably persue it although the chances of that even happening are very slim. Oh, another thing I did and sometimes still do is when I would think that the marriage/relationship wasn't THAT bad or when I found/find myself remembering and obsessing over the 'good' times...I made myself remember why I left him...why the marriage bond was broken...why it had to end. That usually gets me back to the reality of the way it was and now is.

(((hugs))) to you...first it gets different....and then it gets easier as time goes on. JMO

Cheryl

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
In reply to: mebrenda
Sun, 01-08-2006 - 12:20pm

OK, I have an idea, because I went through a similar situation.

Set very, very small goals for yourself. I know some people are able to just wake up one day and do the no-contact thing, but that's more difficult for others. When you have the urge to contact your ex, say to yourself, "I am NOT going to contact him for two hours!" And stick to that for a week. Next week, "I am not going to contact him for FOUR hours...." and so on. It may take you a while, but I think you can slowly build yourself up to a couple of days at a time.

As for the suicidal thoughts...you're in therapy and you're on meds, so that's good. And please remember, your boys need you. If you ever really feel out of control with those thoughts, please go get help right away.

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mebrenda
Sun, 01-08-2006 - 12:24pm

Hi there Brenda...

The no contact thing is hard to get going sometimes... I can certainly relate to that as I still had the urge and desire to talk to, communicate with, etc. my xh for a long time... but truthfully, forcing the no contact thing will help you begin healing. I think I remember reading a while ago that you were still allowing yourself to be intimate with him... I hope that that has stopped... if it hasn't, that is a great place to begin the no contact rule... if you're not married, none of ~that~ contact...

Another thing I did was to only allow conversations with my xh to be about certain things... in the pre divorce era, they were 1) Joey, 2) his truck (which I had co-signed on in happier days of our marriage), 3) our dogs (he was a vet tech at the time and if I was having an issue with them, you get the idea), 4) visitation and child support, and 5) our settlement agreement. Now, our conversations really only involve Joey... Joey is old enough to pick up the phone now and talk, if and when he feels like it and so I rarely get put in the middle of answering the phone and handing it to him anymore. I will tell him if I am taking Joey out of town, so that he can call my cell if he wishes to speak with Joey, but again, its all about Joey. He recently went through the horror of Katrina and we have spoken very little about that, its not I don't want to know that their house is OK, I'm glad it is... I just don't want to make that bond with him anymore.

So, start limiting your conversation topics to the things you really need to discuss... children, house (if applicable), settlement agreement... that sort of things... do you have a friend that you could call when you want to call him? If so, dial their number instead of ex... if you don't feel that you have a friend to call (or you don't want to bother someone....), post here when you get the urge and tell us what's going on...

Slowly, you will start to realize that you don't need to tell him everything and part of that distance will help you gain confidence in yourself and start healing... The other poster had some great ideas about throwing yourself in your childrens activities or picking up something that you used to do that you've stopped doing for whatever reason or starting a new hobby...

The suicidal thoughts are something that you should talk to your doctor about... your children need you to get through this and be there for them more than ever... Imagine the heartache that they would feel if they not only had to survive their parents divorce but then recover from the loss of their mom... you don't really want to do that to them and you know it...

We're here for you Brenda... just remember... one day at a time... make it a goal to not call him today... and if you're not sure you can't make it all day, make it a goal to not call him this hour... you know where I'm going here... YOU CAN DO IT!

*hugs*

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2003
In reply to: mebrenda
Sun, 01-08-2006 - 1:05pm

I totally understand where you're coming from. . .trust me, I do. . .And like you, everytime I contact ddf I get hurt (terribly hurt) if we speak about anything other than the kids, the house, or our divorce settlement.

In addition to the 'take it a day (or x amount of time) at a time approach', I'm trying to figure out what I'm feeling when I want to make contact with him. Am I anxious about something (my current feeling of choice)? Am I angry? Am I scared? After I identify my feelings at that moment, I'm trying to find some other outlet for that feeling. The other ladies have given us good ideas for what some of those other outlets might be. . .but for me, the key (at least today) is identifying why I WANT to talk to him.

I also understand your feelings of deep depression. . .and as someone else stated, if they become out of control- seek immediate assistance. Your kids need their mom. . .and you are a special person who deserves your own love.

Now if I can just remind myself of all of this at key moments :).

Your friend from across KS. . .Virgo

Virgo
 
Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mebrenda
Sun, 01-08-2006 - 1:11pm

Great suggestion here Virgo... if you can identify why you're feeling as if you need to speak with him, it can help you begin to identify ways to fill that void in another manner so hopefully you'll feel that void less and less.

*hugs*

Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: mebrenda
Sun, 01-08-2006 - 1:18pm
Thanks Cheryl, I do real well during the week I have my children. I have always put them first. It's the week I don't that gives me so much trouble. I've been trying to read and maybe I'll see about pulling out my scrap booking stuff. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: mebrenda
Sun, 01-08-2006 - 1:23pm
I'll try it. Maybe that's what I need, babysteps. As far as the thoughts go, my children are the reason I am still here. I came real close to calling my therapist Friday, but called my sister instead. I am afraid to call my therapist because she will insist upon in patient therapy and if I go in my ex will try and take my kids full time. I have to figure out how to work with the suicidal thoughts on my own so I don't lose my boys. Thanks so much for the advice. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: mebrenda
Sun, 01-08-2006 - 1:35pm
Hey Julie, You'll be happy to know that we accually stopped sleeping together last November. Not because that is what I wanted though. I think it was his way of moving on. Thanks for the support. Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
In reply to: mebrenda
Sun, 01-08-2006 - 1:47pm
Oh, I totally understand where you're coming from. You don't want to to anything that would impact the custody you have of your children. However, I had a friend who became very depressed during her divorce several years ago and turned to alcohol and pills. She overdosed on pills, and had to be placed in an inpatient program for a while. When she got out, she still had 50/50 custody of her twins. She just had to show she was actively going to therapy and taking her meds. I just want to make sure you get the help you need. I totally understand having suicidal thoughts...I just don't want them to overwhelm you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: mebrenda
Sun, 01-08-2006 - 1:49pm
I know most of the time my reason is shear lonliness. He has been the only person I have had complete contact with for 20 years. I don't know what to do with myself. Thanks so much! Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

Pages