No support

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
No support
8
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 6:01pm
I'm really feeling all alone. I know I told you previously that my STBX moved in with MY parents when I told him I wanted the divorce back in January. Well, my father told me last week, when I was upset because STBX told me he was going to fight me for the kids, that the only reason for divorce was infidelty. He told me that I'm the one in the wrong and I'm the one that is hurting my children. He told me that he didn't care how much I thought I was being emotional and mentally abused that my STBX was getting help and I owed it to him to stay. That I was committing a horrible sin by leaving and that STBX had the best interest of the kids at heart and that I didn't. I'm denying them a two parent home and I love myself more than I love the kids. My mother is agreeing with this too......I don't understand. They saw how miserable I was. They saw how horribly he treated me and the kids. But because he's going to counceling now and acting like Father of the Year for a month, they are on his side. I know I'm doing the right thing, but I feel so alone. I hate my STBX for this. And I don't think I'll ever be able to have a good relationship with my parents again. How can they side with someone who never told me he loved me? Who made my life miserable? Who never hugged me or kissed me? Who never said a kind word? I don't understand.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
In reply to: dlainef2
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 7:01pm

Hugs to you sweetie.


I don't know if there is anything I can say or do to make this better for you. It is very difficult to decide to leave a marriage, but even more difficult when your family sides with someone else in this situation.


My family did the same thing, they never liked my XH for reasons being that I was never allowed to spend holidays with family and because they are so far away, that was the only time I could see them. My XH wanted to be at home, just us. So when my husband left me for another woman, they stopped communicating with me. My mother, my aunts and uncles and my cousins.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
In reply to: dlainef2
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 7:23pm

I am so sorry you are going thru this. Was your father abusive? The only thing i can think is that they are in denial about what they did to you ... & are acting the complete oppossit that they should be towards you.


Stay strong & know you are NOT alone ... you have US. (((HUGS)))

R~

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
In reply to: dlainef2
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 7:24pm
I think you have to (very unfortunately) just pretend they are his parents and not yours. They are chosing his side, so that means you cannot confide in them or look to them for support. You know you are making the right decision for you and your children, and you can't live your life (and suffer) for them. Focus on building a new support system with your friends and anyone else who is willing to stand behind you and be there for you. Are you in counseling? In my opinion everyone who is going through a divorce needs it, but in your case it would really help you vent about what your parents are doing and find ways to cope and live with it.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2005
In reply to: dlainef2
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 7:31pm
No...my dad was not abusive. My mother was though. My dad pretty much worked all the time and wasn't home much. I think he was probably avoiding mom. They are very religious and have decided that because I'm doing this that "my life is not right with God" and that I'm not praying about it. God doesn't condone divorce, etc....I've been preached at and preached at. I told them that my God is a God of love and that He would never want someone to be miserable. If STBX is not living up to God's commandments to love his family, why should I have to stay? They don't agree. My mom said she is praying for me to "hit rock bottom" because she says that is what it is going to take to get my life right with God. I'm sorry she feels that way. She doesn't know my heart. They are being very judgemental.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2003
In reply to: dlainef2
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 8:27pm

A lot of people don't realize there is such a thing as UNholy matrimony. I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope your parents get a glimpse of what he's really like now that they have to put up with him. Until then, it may be a good idea to make the topic off limits for them. Two reasons: the mental abuse you're already receiving and the fact that they may share anything you say with stbx. If they're conspiring with him to force you to take him back, I wouldn't trust them with any info.

We're here for you. Hang in there and may the time pass quickly for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
In reply to: dlainef2
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 8:55pm
I'm so sorry for the pain you must be feeling. Divorce is such a hard decision to make. I struggled with the decision for a long time. I have been divorced since October and still question if i did the right thing. I can't imagine what it would be like without the support of my family. I know that my family loved my exH like the son they never had. I'm sure they would have loved to see us work it out. But you are the only one who knows what is best for you. You lived it, they only see things from the outside looking in. You have a right to be happy. I am sure you are not taking this lightly, it's not just so simple or as some may claim... selfish as being happy.
My ex also threatened to fight for the kids and still, to this day, blames all of this .. deterioration of the marriage, the divorce, on me. My husband was affectionate, but toward the end, when he knew he was losing me, became more verbally and emotionally abusive. By that point, it didn't matter if he wanted to change or even if he succeeded, i was done. Too little too late.
If possible, you may want to find a good psychologist or counselor. I don't know what i would have done without mine. In fact, I think I need a follow up. The guilt is still hard to deal with.
Good luck to you, you are not alone. Reach out to others... aunts/siblings/friends. They will help you through. God Bless!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
In reply to: dlainef2
Sun, 03-13-2005 - 11:32pm

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I know that it's tough for you, but just know that you are not alone.

You know, there are two sides two every story. Just let your parents know that divorce isn't just caused by one person. It takes two to make a marriage work, and it's virtually impossible if the other party isn't trying to make it happen.

Emotional abuse is just as damaging to a person as physical abuse. People can't live in a loveless relationship/marriage. It takes a toll on a person...and it sounds like it has taken its toll on you.

Your STBX has already set the stage for how your life is going to be. Without love and the emotional bond, what is there in a marriage? In the long run, you have to do what is best for you and your children.

Wish I could say something more that would offer you peace of mind....but just know that you are not alone. Everything will eventually work out...it may take a while, but everything will get better in time.

Best of luck and lots of hugs!

Kait

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: dlainef2
Mon, 03-14-2005 - 10:57am

I am sorry that you are going thru this. its tuff when you have to go thru a divorce without support - even tuffer when *your* family is siding with HIM, that just sucks.


I agree with the others tho - your parents have made their choice, and i would caution you not to talk about the divorce with them anymore. i am not saying that you shouldn't talk with them at all - just don't get drawn into the conversatins about the divorce or about your ex - you never know when you might say something that COULD be used against you. i went thru issues with my family also - people were "befriending" my then-husband, or shall i say, they were allowing HIM to befriend THEM. and i simply wrote all my siblings/parents a letter stating something along the lines of: i don't care if you are his friend or not, just let me know so i will know who i can trust and who i can't until the divorce is finalized.