No Win Situation

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2005
No Win Situation
6
Tue, 01-02-2007 - 10:25pm
well, my delimma is that i have a had a short marriage (yr 1/2) to my husband who i have had a relationship w/for going on 4 years...we have three children b/w us...my oldest which is 8 & a set of two-yr-old twins...we've never had the greatest relationship, i believe mostly just b/c of not knowing how to resolve conflict or having seen a normal healthy relationship example growing up...his mom married 3x's, dad married 2x's, my mother never married & father wasn't around...so there you have it...but we both have tried very hard to make it work...we'll maybe i have more than him...since already experiencing a failed relationship w/my first son's father, i was xtra determined to make this one work...hmmmm...the problem is, my husband has stated that us getting married was a mistake...that we have never been on the same pg, nor ever will be...he has continuously sought out a divorce lawyer & served me papers several times...had it not been for the children or finances, i would've left...but eventually he comes around & acts like he never mentioned divorce or me leaving...so now i've finally gotten to the point of really looking for a place since the last time he said something - but the question is do i really jump??!! i'm well aware of the reality of divorce or relationships ending when children are involved, it is no decision to be taken lightly & not only will chg your life forever, but theirs as well...in the end i was really wishing he would force me out by serving papers & me signing - that way no regrets on my behalf - i also covered my basis by suggesting counseling (b/c we both need it!) but it's a no go for him...i've came to the conclusion that he's playing out this psychodrama that happened w/his ex - he went to the beach for a wk & when he came back, all his stuff was packed & she told him to get out...so i guess he's releasing that old pain on me...i'm no doctor, but it makes sense & he's not stopping or doing anything about it...so i'm feeling like he really doesn't want help himself or save the marriage even tho there is so much invested in it...i've emailed the lady about seeing the apt & may go see it tomorrow...moving into apt w/3 children is not what i wanted, but i'm tired of the stress of being told he's "divorcing me" & all the crap that goes thru my head at the moment that makes me wanna drop dead...if it weren't for that drama, i would probably stay til the kids were older, finances were better etc., b/c other than this, he's not that hard to handle...anyways!!! thx for reading my rant...
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2007
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 8:34am

If you are going to try to work things out, he's got to stop bringing out the "divorce card." You are right in stating all of the stress that causes and all of the thoughts that run though your head. I think that if you are really going to try, then he's got to TRY without threats.

I'm not sure how else you can get through this. I do wish stability for your children though. I have a 2 year old as well. I know that she needs her dad. I just can't see splitting holidays, birthdays, every other weekend, etc. It sounds terrible.

But, again, it takes 2 willing participants to make a marriage work. He needs to put in his portion.

S

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 11:51am

You mentioned plitting birthdays etc. STBX and I have discussed this and we are hoping to share those occasions together still as a family. Don't know how realistic that will be but we expect to give it a try. For Christmas we have agreed to share Christmas morning for at least as long as they are young and still believe in the magic of the holiday. Birthdays - I have a feeling he will eventually choose to just leave to me and then likely take them out to dinner on his own (we have two daughters so he will expect me to do all of the girly things with them (which I love to do).

Even in divorce these details can be worked out if you are committed to an amicable split. Just because we failed as husband and wife does not mean we have to fail as their parents. I actually feel like we will be better co-parents as there was just so much hostility whenever we were home together. I respect him as a father and business person but he just stunck as a husband....

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 1:22pm
Hey Rose, I have been divorced for nearly a year and a half. I want you to know that spending birthdays and holidays together is doable, hard but doable. We spend them together as a family. New Years Eve was the first time that I had to add my ex's gf to that picture. We did fine. We had a wonderful time. I wish you the best.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 1:40pm

Hi Brenda - thanks for your perspective. I have a feeling Christmas morning and Easter morning, maybe Halloween will be the occasions that we will want to share - anything mainly child focused. Birthdays too but I can see him bowing out of that one.

What we have discussed is for Christmas morning for example - having him come over to my place to open the presents with the girls and maybe staying for breakfast (I won't want him sleeping over). We have both agreed for now that we would leave our other significant others to do thier own things for these couple of hours that we spend with our daughters. I have no doubt that when you add new girlfriends and boyfriends to the mix, that things will get complicated. But we will cross that bridge when we get there.

My eyes are wide open - as per my screen name - I am always cautiously optimistic!

Rose

Rosecolouredspecs
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 1:52pm
Rose, All you can do is offer him the oportunity to spend the holidays with his children if he bails out it's his loss. Your children will remember who was there for them. I treat my ex as if he were my best friend and I will treat his gf's the same way. I can assure you this has been very hard for me, but the look in my childrens eyes when Daddy can still be there for the holidays is all I need to make me strong.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2006
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 2:18pm
I agree - as much as humanly possible I want to be friendly and be able to offer kid-friendly compromises(recognizing sometimes it may not be the best option and I have no doubt we will have some rough spots to negotiate).
Rosecolouredspecs