Is this normal behavior for ex's??

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2006
Is this normal behavior for ex's??
4
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 12:32pm

Hi all,

I am D 2 years, no kids. My BF of 6 months is also D 2 years with 1 14-year-old daughter.

Here is my problem and question:

The daughter is away at private sleep-away school, and my BF and his ex do things together as a family with her. It makes me uncomfortable and upset. I can understand if they go to see her school plays or sports, and support her as parents. But when he goes over to the ex's house and the 3 of them have dinner and watch TV together as a family when she comes home, it just hurts me. I feel like they are sending mixed messages to her and also to me.

Am I in the wrong to feel upset about this?
And what should I do?
I want to be tolerant and understanding but I have my limits.

Loves


-Dianne, 41 yo
DH 37


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2005
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 12:50pm

1. Yes you are wrong to feel upset about this. They should be allowed to have alone time especially since your bf evidently does not see her much.
2. You can always talk to your bf - but he may not appreciate your concerns and may interpret your actions as coming out of insecurity.

The teenage years are hard enough, it seems like your bf and the ex-w are doing their jobs as good co-parents......

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2006
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 2:15pm
It just seems to me that most people that are divorced with kids share time in a healthy but separate way. And when they do spend time together as a family, it is for special occastions like school plays, graduation, etc. Doesn't anyone here see his going over there and hanging out and eating dinner/watching TV as somewhat inappropriate and disrespectful to me, in addition to being confusing for the kid??

-Dianne, 41 yo
DH 37


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 2:28pm

I have no experience with this from which to speak, but gosh, I would love it if we could do what your bf is doing. I know there are concerns about sending mixed messages and possibly leading a kid on, but possibly not this 14 yo and possibly this is *just* what she needs, especially if she is away at school.

Separate is what we are expected to do by the pro-divorce culture, and in many circumstances it is the healthiest for everyone because there is lots of anger and possibly because the children get confused with both parents involved at the same time, but I bet, in the long run, if parents can do this it is much better for the children.

But, again, I have no experience, just my gut.

If I had a bf, post-divorce, I think I could handle it if he were with his children and X for an occasional pizza and game night. I want my stbx to do that with me and the kids if we can. He is being with his kids and their mom, not with his kids and . If you can't trust that the relationship is platonic then maybe you need to question the quality of your relationship with him and whether you truly trust him.

I dunno ... just my gut talking.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2006
Mon, 03-05-2007 - 2:38pm

Thanks nymava,
I appreciate your food for though. I think the reason that I am having issues with this is because my BF and his exW have both had trouble letting go of each other. It has kept them both from being able to move on and have real relationships. It has been a very co-dependent relationship between the two of them. And now, he has really been moving forward and opening up and transitioning away from the exW, and meeting me was a huge catalyst...but she has not moved on and still (in his words) wants to "come in first." She wants to be "best friends" with him, even though they are D. And he says he feels guilty about it because she has trouble keeping friends, is kind of alone in the world, and he is afraid that if he cuts the tie and really lets go, that she iwll make her daughter pay the price of her pain by lashing out and stuff like that. So he is clinging on for the kid (so he says).

The whole situation is upsetting me. I want to be fair but it hurts me when I know he is with his exW who still wants to come in first with him.


-Dianne, 41 yo
DH 37