Is this normal or am I going crazy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Is this normal or am I going crazy?
11
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 2:39pm
My husband has not even moved out yet. We are working out finances at the moment. I come to the decision that I need my life back. I haven't had my life in 20 years. I've lived for my marriage and family. And I feel better. The pain becomes just a dull ache. Then he comes home and I start thinking of ways to try to stay together. Why? I don't know why I keep going back and forth. One minute I feel good, the next my stomach and heart aches and I need to cry. I think I am going crazy. He told me he loves me as a woman, but not a wife. He feels no affection for me as a wife. He said it is because he was never the marrying type and we would have been better off just being together without a piece of paper. So as I start to feel better, I sink back down again. And this isn't one DAY of feeling good or bad, this is minute by minute. One minute I'm ready to kick him to the curb, and the next I want to hold him and have him tell me we will stay together. I can't even keep up with my emotions any more. Is this normal?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2007
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 3:20pm
Completely--separation and divorce can be quite the emotional rollar coaster ride.

 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 06-16-2007 - 5:15pm
((hugs)) I know what you mean, I'm feeling the same way, except we are living apart so I think that makes it a bit (just a tiny) easier. Just live minute by minute, get through each day and the next, and I think, I hope, it will get easier.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2007
Sun, 06-17-2007 - 1:40am
I am going through the same thing. I just put my post under "Why am I so sad?" I feel like I made the right decision too, but hour by hour I feel good, worse, bad, and better. It seems since I am seeing him right now, since my husband is still in the house too, it almost seems easier since I haven't really had a chance to miss him. Also, my husband was gone alot too, because of work and fun, so I am pretty used to being alone. I talk to friends and family that reassure me that I made the right choice, and I feel good-- or I think about the prospect of dating other men, and I feel good, then i hear a song or see a picture, or get a phone call about him being out and I am upset again. How long does this last? I know there is no simple answer, but it hurts so bad.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 7:23am
Thanks for the replies and support. I had a great day yesterday and not so good today. Husband came home last night and told me he was moving out this weekend. We had agreed to 6 sessions of marriage counseling and were supposed to stay together during it, but I guess he decided he needed to leave now. At least he's moving in with his mom and sister. My sister-in-law called me last night and we cried on the phone together. She said we've always been friends and she hopes we can continue to be even though my husband is leaving. I never really thought about losing my second family. My in-laws were more like family to me than my own. I'm really going to miss that. This is so sad. When will this emotional rollercoaster end?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 10:18pm

Just wanted to chime in with you don't know that you'll lose your second family.

 


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 10:39pm
I am still close to my ex SIL she lives right down the street from me. I have another exSIL that lives in another state. We still talk. (2 brothers,2 ex's). I have an ex DIL that I still have contact with. My kids still call ex SIL's Aunt-----. It is not impossible. Just don't expect anything, then you won't be dissapointed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 11:00pm

I thought I had replied earlier to your post, but maybe not. Just wanted to send HUGS and say I so know how you are feeling. It is particularly hard when they are still in the house.

Disentagling lives is complex, painful and takes time. Lots of going back and forth, grieving and celebrating, regreting and wishing for reconciliation.

Hugs to you as you go through this tough stuff.

We all have to some degree and there is a new life to weave eventually, hopefully a better one.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2004
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 9:05am

The wild thing about me seeing this discussion is because I was talking about this yesterday. I went 4 days without crying and feeling I was okay with what was going on and then yesterday I found pictures of my husbands girlfriend in his truck. It started all of this sadness all over. I said to my mother in law that I know I am not the only one going through this but I don't understand how I will get through it. I don't know how "it will get better with time" as everyone tells me. I am the one at home with my 3 and 2 year old trying to "be strong for the boys". My husband and I didn't have a good relationship (he had an affair when I was prego and in the hospital with my youngest) but I was trying to keep out family together to only get crushed even more now. We decided to separate and see what would happen and he meant a new person two days after and now they just "really like each other alot" blah blah...

I saw the post about staying close with the in laws and that is hard for me also b/c I was closer to his family and hung out with them more than he did. He didn't care to go to family gatherings so I just went with the boys. But now that I am on the outside I am already being left out of things. Its hard because they have been my family for 9 years. I am glad to know that I am not the only one that feels this way and its makes me feel better knowing I am not just crazy that I just had a crappy husband:)!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2007
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 11:48pm

What we're afraid to admit to ourselves it that we are mourning, as in the "death" of our marriage. http://www.hoyweb.com/faq/grief.htm was very helpful to me in helping me realize I am not going crazy. I spent months on the roller coaster of emotions: crying uncontrollably, sad, lonely, happy, peaceful, you name it. But when H says 31 yr marriage has been over at least 7 years, it's time to move on...maybe. H says he still loves me - but never calls - I initiate all contact. UNLESS he calls to yell at me or demand that I do something for him. "Codependent No More" and "As Silver Refined" have been very helpful books in reminding me that I have a life of my own, and my happiness is NOT dependent on anyone else.

It is hard, and there is no timetable. I have not contacted H for 5 days now - that's a record for me. I miss intelligent conversation outside of work. Then again, even when I lived with him I was ignored when I wasn't being yelled at the last few months. I've been living alone 11 months now, and it does get easier, really. We have not filed for D yet, but the longer this goes, the less I think we'll reconcile. He thinks all our problems are mine and have nothing to do with his bad habits.

Hang in there, and keep posting. There are a lot of good people here who have been where you are.

T.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2003
Thu, 06-21-2007 - 8:46pm
Probably normal - I feel it constantly myself.

Nadine - deenie1979

jesussig.jpg image by nadine1979

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