Not angry but ready to move on, HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2006
Not angry but ready to move on, HELP
4
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 11:49am

I have been married for four years but am considering asking for a divorce. While my husband is a good person, I am realizing that I've been unhappy for a long time now but only admitting it and focusing on it vocally for the past three months. I am at a point that I've decided that I think that I need to move on...we have had a lot of stress in the last four years and in addition, there are things that I've asked my husband to change or work on over the past four years - him being negative to me, picking on me, verbally taking out his moods on me, his lack of follow through on a multitude of things, his excess spending/lack of saving - has always been acknowledged, but never changed. I love him, but I've come to realize that I don't think that I am in love with him. I am also at a point that I don't believe him anymore when he says that he will work on these things and don't want to waste more time in waiting for it to actually happen. I am finding the hardest thing now is to make this major change in my life...I love my life, where I live, my friends, work, home....I just wish I wasn't married to him and want to be married to someone that I can depend on and am in love with.

I was just curious if anyone out there has been in a similar situation. So often the articles are about couples that fight all of the time and are angry. I almost think that this situation is more difficult and I wish that I could hate him since it would be easier to make the break. I know that it isn't right to stay in a relationship that you are not feeling fulfilled in because you don't want to rock the boat....but again, making the actual break is so hard and has me filled with an unbelievable amount of guilt that is sufficating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-23-2003
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 12:17pm
It is hard to make the break. It's been the hardest thing I ever done. I too feel an enormous amount of guilt. But we are entitled to live on own lives. Just letting you know you're not alone feeling the way you done. I don't hate my STBX. Like you, I love him but am not in love with him. I'm told it gets easier. Hang in there
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 12:17pm

hi

you don't mention therapy - have you gone (alone or with your husband)?

Only you can know if your marriage is worth saving or not - it doesn't sound like there are any 'real' problems here, but if you are unhappy, then you need to deal with it. sometimes we ae unhappy about other things in our lives, and we think it has to do with our spouse. i really think it's worth talking to a therapist.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 1:16pm

I understand where you are in some ways. My STBX is similar to yours in that he is unable to make some of the changes necessary to save the relationship. We've struggled for the entire duration of the relationship and we've been for counselling. The reality in my situation is that he doesn't see that his behaviour is inappropriae, abusive, and controlling, and thus will not change. He is a well practiced manipulator, that's how he operates.

I get the difficulty of making the choice to leave when there is on overt abuse, addiction, or other trouble. But it's not wrong to honour your own feelings and choose to change your life to be happy. To be honest, had I not started counselling and considering divorce, I would never had really understood or seen the destructive nature of my marital relationship. All i knew was that I wasn't happy and things weren't getting better. Now I see why.

I will say that the best thing you can do is try counselling. If there is any love left or desire to avoid divorce, you really would do well to try. Best case scenario, you and your husband work things out... worst case, you learn some new skills to help with the very stressful life changes involved in dicorce.

Avatar for msally99
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-21-2006 - 1:39pm

Hi, I'm not in exactly the same situation, but I do understand where you're coming from.

My H and I are not happy together, because he wants to be married to me and still act like a bachelor (staying out all night, partying with his friends, etc.) I'm not willing to tolerate that lack of respect and consideration for me anymore. Like you, I know I love him but question whether I am in love with him anymore.

I agree with the other gals who have suggested counseling. If your H goes with you, then perhaps you can save the marriage. If he won't, then you'll gain valuable insight into your own life and have that support through your separation and divorce.

I will tell you, having been separated a little over a week, that even though our split was mutual, this is BY FAR the hardest thing I've ever done. And I believe it's that much harder because there is still love there.

Feel free to email me through my profile if you'd like to chat.

~ Carol