Not doing so good...
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| Fri, 08-25-2006 - 5:44am |
This week has been really rough for me. It seemed to be okay but I think I was holding it all in. Between yesterday and today, I've cried so many tears. I thought I was doing good about letting go and moving on but apparently I'm still on the roller coaster.
Yesterday night I just broke down. I miss him. I wish I could have him back in my life. I wonder how he's doing and if he feels even a little bit of the pain I am feeling. Monday we signed the settlement agreement. Tuesday, three years ago he proposed to me, telling me that he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Why was it so easy for him to walk out? I wrote in my journal about four pages about all of this, thinking it would help...but it didn't and it didn't lessen the pain. I still love him and don't know how not to.
Today my dd (not his) talked to him. Her principal was his grade-school teacher. They talked for a while. I didn't listen to the whole conversation. I know that she had mentioned me, but she won't say what was said. She still has a connection with him and still thinks of him as Dad. After she got off the phone, she got sad thinking about how we had to move and not being able take care of his mom's dog anymore and things like that. Afterwards, I kept thinking what an a**h*** he is to have put her through this. How selfish he is!
And tonight, I just miss him again. I keep thinking "where did we go wrong?". Why did he have to leave? I wonder if he misses me and if we could ever be together again.
I really don't know how to deal with all of these emotions. My therapist used the analogy of a boat tied to a dock by a thousand ropes. He said some ropes are loose and easy to untie, some need to be cut off and some just need to be worked on and with time will unravel. It's a good analogy. But I need help on how to work on untying! I am still so emotionally attached. I really thought that I was moving foward and moving on. Now I feel like I've just been stepping back and getting more lost. Does anyone understand me? Am I just making myself crazy?

Even tho we are in completely different places with this, I do understand your sad. I had a bad night last night too. Maybe it was just a bad night for people! Sometimes things just trigger all the sad again just like some days we can cope just fine and others we are even happy. I just try to focus on the fact that tomorrow will be better, and if that doesn't work, I focus on something happy in my life (there's always something, even if it's little like how nice of that guy to let me in when I was merging onto the highway or how that woman held the door for me), and if that doesn't work, I come here, which I did last night.
Hang in there---you can make it. And you will.
I hated those rough days... and they will get better.
Your post reminded me of a book!
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Hugs, Brenda
Hugs, Brenda
i initiated what has led to my current trial separation, so i am on the opposite side of this from you (kind of). last night i was devastated and so sad, but i will not let my H nor my kids know that unless it becomes relevant at some point.
my point is that you have no idea what your ex is going through because obviously he won't let you see that. i'm not saying that he HAS to be falling apart, but he could be and you would never know. so, don't worry about how he is handling things and focus on how you are.
of course, i need to learn how to take my own advice.... :)
I am glad I have found a "twin". I just wish we looked like each other and didn't twin each other in our pain. May God Bles You! Take Care of Yourself!
Hugs, Brenda
Hugs, Brenda