Not doing so good...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2006
Not doing so good...
8
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 5:44am

This week has been really rough for me. It seemed to be okay but I think I was holding it all in. Between yesterday and today, I've cried so many tears. I thought I was doing good about letting go and moving on but apparently I'm still on the roller coaster.

Yesterday night I just broke down. I miss him. I wish I could have him back in my life. I wonder how he's doing and if he feels even a little bit of the pain I am feeling. Monday we signed the settlement agreement. Tuesday, three years ago he proposed to me, telling me that he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Why was it so easy for him to walk out? I wrote in my journal about four pages about all of this, thinking it would help...but it didn't and it didn't lessen the pain. I still love him and don't know how not to.

Today my dd (not his) talked to him. Her principal was his grade-school teacher. They talked for a while. I didn't listen to the whole conversation. I know that she had mentioned me, but she won't say what was said. She still has a connection with him and still thinks of him as Dad. After she got off the phone, she got sad thinking about how we had to move and not being able take care of his mom's dog anymore and things like that. Afterwards, I kept thinking what an a**h*** he is to have put her through this. How selfish he is!

And tonight, I just miss him again. I keep thinking "where did we go wrong?". Why did he have to leave? I wonder if he misses me and if we could ever be together again.

I really don't know how to deal with all of these emotions. My therapist used the analogy of a boat tied to a dock by a thousand ropes. He said some ropes are loose and easy to untie, some need to be cut off and some just need to be worked on and with time will unravel. It's a good analogy. But I need help on how to work on untying! I am still so emotionally attached. I really thought that I was moving foward and moving on. Now I feel like I've just been stepping back and getting more lost. Does anyone understand me? Am I just making myself crazy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 6:50am

Even tho we are in completely different places with this, I do understand your sad. I had a bad night last night too. Maybe it was just a bad night for people! Sometimes things just trigger all the sad again just like some days we can cope just fine and others we are even happy. I just try to focus on the fact that tomorrow will be better, and if that doesn't work, I focus on something happy in my life (there's always something, even if it's little like how nice of that guy to let me in when I was merging onto the highway or how that woman held the door for me), and if that doesn't work, I come here, which I did last night.

Hang in there---you can make it. And you will.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 8:58am

I hated those rough days... and they will get better.


Your post reminded me of a book!


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 1:34pm
Thank you for those words. Right now I'm taking things one moment at a time...one day is even too long! Everyone keeps telling me that I will survive and I will get better. I know that in the long run I will be; it's just right now that's hard to face. But why do I have to still love him? Why can't I let go of that? And why is it so easy for him to let go?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 1:40pm
Thank you for your support and ideas on how to cope. That's why I came here last night. I felt so alone. I need to say what was on my mind. I guess there will be good days and bad and I'm going to have to face both. I think I was trying to run from it so I didn't acknowledge how I was really feeling until I broke down. I have remember to take every moment in stride. I'm working on it. Thanks again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 1:53pm
I understand you Rose! I am still making myself crazy in hopes that one day he will come home. They are selfish. My ex can't see what this is doing to our boys. He doesn't care. He just doesn't love me. I didn't realize I was that awful. I guess I am. He won't give me a second chance. A lot of people are going to try to limit the amount of time you can grieve over this. Don't let them. Everyone grieves at their own pace. If I had a dollar for everytime someone has told me to "just get over it", I wouldn't have to work now. We will survive this. It's just going to take time.
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-25-2006
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:11pm

i initiated what has led to my current trial separation, so i am on the opposite side of this from you (kind of). last night i was devastated and so sad, but i will not let my H nor my kids know that unless it becomes relevant at some point.

my point is that you have no idea what your ex is going through because obviously he won't let you see that. i'm not saying that he HAS to be falling apart, but he could be and you would never know. so, don't worry about how he is handling things and focus on how you are.

of course, i need to learn how to take my own advice.... :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2006
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 12:02am
We must have been twins in a previous life! Reading your posts, especially about regretting the divorce is like getting a glimpse of my life outside of it. It made my heart break all over again. I totally feel your pain. I thought I was getting over it. I thought that I was done with him even though he's the one that wanted it. But I still love him and wish I was in his arms again. But the reality is that - that may and most likely will never happen again. It's hard to accept it. Dealing with it is very hard...for people to say that it will pass is so easy to say. Most people don't realize how difficult it is to do. I want to believe that one day I will feel better. I want to believe that everything happens for a reason. I want to believe that I can get through this. But the past couple of days, all I've wanted to do was cry and crawl into a hole and never come out. I do find strength in you and everyone else giving me support. I see that you are going through it and that I am not alone. I am not the only one going through this heartbreaking situation and that together we can get through it...somehow, someday. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Your support means so much to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Sat, 08-26-2006 - 8:07am
I am a year and half out. Been divorce over a year. I can tell you the days that you want to crawl in a hole do get farther apart. I still have them. It's not that I love my ex any less or that I still don't wish him to come home, but more like it is just becoming more tolerable. I try to live each day remembering that God has a plan for me. There must be something better somewhere or someday my ex will come home. I pray daily. I know God knows what is in my heart. He cries when I cry. He holds me tight. I have been working on giving it all to God. He hasn't let me down thus far and I have to trust in him. Sometimes God's plan doesn't reflect ours. This is hard to accept. I just have to believe that he has something better in mind. If you have faith, find your comfort in the Lord. If you don't, what do you have to lose. Talk to him. He will listen.
I am glad I have found a "twin". I just wish we looked like each other and didn't twin each other in our pain. May God Bles You! Take Care of Yourself!
Hugs, Brenda

Hugs, Brenda