Not moving on???????

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Not moving on???????
7
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 11:44am

I keep getting accused (unfairly, I believe) of "not moving on". My ex and his new wife say this to the kids when I have problems with their behavior. I read a lot of that kind of comment on some of these boards, too. No, I have not remarried, do not have a relationship now, but I LIKE IT THAT WAY. I like being free to do whatever I want to, whenever I want to do it, to parent my kids in the way I want to without anybody telling me what to do.

I sincerely feel like I HAVE moved on because I have created a fulfilling and separate life from my ex. I'm happier than I have been in years! I don't feel the NEED to be married. I enjoy my friends and the occasional date. I enjoy having some solitude. I really rarely ever feel lonely. My new life feels good and suits me.

Does anyone else resent these kinds of comments and put-downs? How does one respond to the insinuations that you are not "over" your ex because you have not remarried? Anybody else think this way?

Curiously yours,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 11:51am
Coupled people always want you to be coupled, they feel that if you aren't coupled that you truly aren't fulfilled. Its best to ignore them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 3:25pm

Good question. I have been divorced 2 1/2 years and have not been in a serious post-divorce relationship yet. I have been told that I haven't moved on and that I need to. My family thinks I ought to be dating more and they don't like it when I say I don't think I ever want to be married again. They also think because I mention the ex at all that I haven't moved on. If I talk about how I am sorting out what went wrong in the marriage, they think I haven't moved on.

I've had troubles dealing with the ex since the divorce - he was controlling and manipulative before AND after the divorce. When I tell my family what's going on and they can see I am riled up, then they tell me I need to 'move on' - that it doesn't matter what the ex is doing. Maybe they do have a point - I have decided to try and not engage in fighting and I am trying my best to just let the ex and the gf do whatever they are going to do and not react to it.

Does the fact that sometimes I react badly to the ex's stupid behavior mean I haven't moved on??? I wonder about that. I know I don't want the ex back - the more time and distance I get from him, the more clearly I can see what was going on - and it definitely was not healthy. But I still have to deal with the ex for several years so I feel tied to him through our son. The ex's behavior does have an affect on my ds and on me. I feel that by sorting out what was going on the marriage, I can learn to change how I deal with the ex in the here and now!

I do know that if anyone makes comments about me about not having remarried yet (and I am sure it will come up as the ex will be getting remarried this year), I am going to say that I am taking the time to re-discover myself and to make sure that I am as emotionally healthy as I can be before entering into another long-term relationship. Most acquaintances already know that I am working, going to school and taking care of my son most of the time and that I have very little time to date anyway. : )

I also know that right now, the idea of getting married again is too SCARY. Don't know that I would tell anyone that - but the idea of tying my financial well-being to another man is creepy. The idea of trusting someone again when I was in a situation previously where the bad stuff didn't really start until about five years in - is scary. What if I pick a bad guy again?? I want to make sure I've rebuilt my trust in myself and my general trust in other human beings first. If someone wants to say that I haven't moved on completely yet because I am not ready to be in a serious long-term relationship right now - I don't care. I am going to do what is right for myself!

What I will remind myself of if anyone talks to me about my having not moved on, is that everyone does it at their own pace and in their own way. Have I 'gotten over' the ex? YES!!! Have I finished dealing with all my baggage yet? No - that is a work in progress and I feel OK about where I am at right now.

Maybe the best idea is to determine for ourselves what 'moving on' means to us personally. And to know that is it definitely OK if our definition is different from the one the people around us have.

Take care,
Abby

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 3:50pm

I really like what you wrote...

Even my daughter is asking if the reason I'm not married again is that I want to get back with her Dad. I don't know where she's gotten that idea unless somebody is saying something to her. Her Dad's been remarried for over a year! I gently told her that even if Daddy hadn't married and even if Daddy wanted to, Mommy wouldn't get back with him. We just can't ever live together again. Makes me sad that she even has these thoughts. Neither one of us has ever suggested reconciliation.

My ex continues to cause trouble for me, too, but those are new issues, not a part of the marriage breakup. Ya know, if he was at all a reasonable and respectful man, I coulda lived with him. Leopards don't change their spots.

The end of my marriage was HELL ON EARTH and consequently I am in no rush whatsoever to get back into another one. I'm extremely self-protective now. Plus I LIKE being free to do whatever I want to. I haven't had enough of THAT yet.

I guess I need to keep on growing that thicker skin and not take others' silly comments so personally. What they think doesn't really impact me and my decisions unless I ask for their opinion. They haven't walked in my shoes, so I can't expect them to really comprehend my reality.

Cupcake HAS moved on...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 5:52pm

Sure.... and the one thing that most people can't comprehend is that a person can be truly happy and have a fulfilling life and not have a "partner."


I can just see them now, holding hands, looking over their shoulders saying... "oh poor thing... she's all along and can't move on."


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 7:24pm

Thanks!

I, too, have had to explain to my son that Mom and Dad are not getting back together. Also, that his idea of having himself, Mom, Dad and Dad's fiancee living under the same roof probably won't happen either. LOL! He likes the idea because then he would get to see everyone a lot more often. It's a sweet idea - but I'd never want to live under the same roof as my ex. I was so darn scared of the ex towards the end of the marriage and I never have been able to rebuild any trust in that man!

I am sorry the end of your marriage was 'hell on earth' - mine certainly was, too, so I feel for you and can understand wanting to be protective right now. I am so glad to be outta there and I also like being 'in charge'!

You're right - no one has walked in your shoes and they don't know what you've been through or - maybe - even where you really are at right now! That's a good thing to remember!

Avatar for momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 10:44pm

Cupcake...

I feel this way all the time... sometimes I feel like it is self imposed--as in I feel like I should be more out there, but I'm not... you may or may not remember a post about just feeling blah and ready for the next whatever in whatever part of my life it happens to occur... other times, my xh's aunt puts me there... she tries to be nice, and I'm sure she means well (or at least that's what I tell myself) and she certainly helps out tons with Joey, but with xh being engaged and all that, there are lots of and you're not dating anyone right now comments...

Its funny, I work with a lot of men... well that's not really true... in my office there are only a handful, but our sales team, with whom I work closely with is all guys and last weekend my xbil got a car and I mentioned how I was really comfortable riding in Joe's (same type of car) and that I thought it was really cool that he managed to get one because well... just because, but you kwim... OK... suddenly everyone is staring and getting all inquisitive about who's Joe... where'd you meet him... how long have you been dating...

Who said anything about that... Joe is one of the sales guys I work with... it was just interesting how it took them a nanosecond to jump to said conclusion, just because I (oh my gosh, can you believe it) rode in another man's car... scary huh... it was the first time I'd mentioned him... he's a nice guy, but younger, different part of the country and I work with him... just a few of the reasons he won't be what they assumed... in the end, I let them have their fun... I answered their questions with, oh, he's the guy I traveled with a few weeks ago... open ended, but they know I traveled for work...

They got this way with my boss too... I adore my boss... we have a great working relationship... open communication with no issues... and if there are issues, we hash them out quickly and get through and over them... it is a great working relationship... but that's it... my xbil was trying to convince me that this would be a good guy to consider.. um, hello... ethics in the workplace... I mean, this guy is my direct supervisor... somedays I just don't get them...

Edited to add: Truthfully though, I feel like I have moved on in so many ways... for example, news of xh's engagement neither surprised me or bothered me... (I was shocked at how little effect the news had)... I feel better about myself in so many ways and better about my son in so many ways... (I had lots of issues early in on how was I going to be a mommy to a boy... it was truly troubling, but my Joey is amazing and loves me and has taught me so much)... who says moving on has to mean involved?

Anyway, I'm right there with you Cupcake... sometimes my fault sometimes my xh's family's fault... my family has never once mentioned me needing to move on, well at least since I decided divorce was the way to go... wow, I just realized how much my fingers rambled up above... LOL

*hugs*

Julie




Edited 4/25/2006 10:48 pm ET by momtojoeybear
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 10:33am

You sound very content and happy in your life! There are PLENTY of people in relationships and marriages that haven't really moved on anyway. How does getting married define that you've moved on? That's just silly! I can't imagine why your ex and his W want to carry on about it.


I just recently read a really good book called Cutting Loose, which is about how well women do after their divorces. There is a whole huge section about how women can go on to have happy, fulfilling, and wonderful lives without ever getting married again. Don't sweat it. You know the truth. But I can totally understand where those comments would frustrate you.




What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson