Not really worried, but...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2004
Not really worried, but...
4
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 12:26am

Hey all,

Like my title says.... I'm not really worried but.... my ex left me a voice message today stating he is filing for custody of both kids because I "have been causing problems since the day we separated".

In reality, what that means is #1, he told dd he bought her a plane ticket to come visit him over spring break and SHE told him she was not coming and #2 his child support was late again(third time in five months) so not me, but my child support enforcement case worker filed for his wage's to be garnished. So he freaked out. Blamed me for dd not wanting to go to his house for spring break claiming "I filled her head with so much hatred that now she doesn't want to go there" and for garnishing his wages just because he was late on one month (fyi at the time of divorce, he was $12,000 behind in child support and has been late many times since then. In addition, he just put an addition on his home, and he and new wife went to Disney last weekend... no child support/trip to Disney?? huummm. He said I was embarrassing him at his workplace and if I wanted to play like this than his mother had already told him she would pay for everything and he was filing for custody of both kids... he didn't want it to be like this but I have forced him to take these measures.

Like I said, I'm not really worried because he has said this in the past, however, his mother does have the money and already gave him the money the last time he took me back to court for his revenge towards me and she'll shell it out again for him.

In a nutshell:
We've been separated 6 years, legally divorced 2 1/2 years. I have full custody of both children 16yr old dd and 10yr old ds and we live in a different state then him.

Ex and I lived in the same state for twenty years, but I moved away with the two children 4 years ago because he quit paying child support and I could not make it financially there.

Since moving, I have graduated community college, bought a 3bdrm/2bth home and I'm continuing with my education at the university and the kids are doing well in our small town, dd has had her moments with drugs, alcohol, depression, etc. I had her in individual counseling, group counseling, rehab, and been in contact with her guidance counselor, therapists, friends parents, police, attorneys, you name it, trying to help her get past this stage in her life. Lately, she is doing well and from what I hear from all the professionals listed previously, she is a "normal" 16yr old testing boundaries and I am a responsible parent keeping tabs on her and trying to keep her straight, healthy and alive.

At the time of divorce, ex owed me $12,000 in back child support and has been late three out of the last five months.

He has never had custody of the kids and his wife has never had kids or raised any kids except for dd and ds on vacations and two months in summer. She rarely calls the kids or has much contact with them.

I do not do drugs, I don't go out partying, I do not sleep around, in fact I have been off and on with the same man for five years, who LOVES my kids and they love him and even when we are off he stays in my kids lives and he gets ds to practice half the time, more than dear old dad does. I work a lot, go to school (A's and B's) I own a home and take care of my kids. My ds is very involved in city sports, actually, he plays all year round, he gets straight A's and in gifted program and last month he got student of the month. DD, like I said has had her moments, but gets good grades and overall is a good kid.

Should I worry? I have it on tape that he is filing for custody because he is mad at me that dd doesn't want to go for spring break and about the wage garnishment. A- I didn't put in for wage garnish, child support worker did because he paid zero for February after months/years of nonpayment. B- I was going to force dd to go in April, she said she didn't want to go, he freaked out canceled the ticket and filed for custody???

If she doesn't want to go there for Spring break, why would he turn around and file for custody except to get back at me? Don't judges see right through this? Does his voice mail hold up in court as evidence of his revenge towards me and not really whats best for the children? At 10 and 16 don't they get to have an opinion where they want to live and could they really be taking away of these reasons? I have always heard that unless the kids are in danger, they stay where they are.

I'm not worried... but wondering?




Edited 3/8/2007 12:29 am ET by hbean
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 3:58am

Yes, judges see right through this. If he finds an attorney to take this on, they will be telling him that his chances of gaining custody are about the same as his getting the garnishment taken off his wages. LOL

As for being embarrassed at his place of employment, that's hog wash. Employers have someone who does payroll for them. That person may be on or off site. That person is the one dealing with the garnishment. His boss that is directly over him is unlikely to have any idea that this is even happening unless it is a smaller business. Even in a small business, often payroll is paid for by an outside company. In doing so, it is still not going to be something that his boss is going to be seeing unless he does the bookwork in the office. And if his boss does know, gosh, let's see how many thousands of people have their wages garnished for multiple reasons? The ONLY way that this would POSSIBLY be an embarrassment for him in his workplace is IF his boss knows he's in arrears. That is SOOOOOOO unlikely unless he told his boss.

Most states will allow tape recorded messages in to evidence. It depends on what state you're in. http://www.rcfp.org/taping/ Look up your state here.

You're 16yo dd is definitely going to be heard as to where she wants to live. It depends on where you live whether your 10yo will be, too. I really wouldn't worry too much. Your biggest worry should be pushing your attorney to push the judge to get your legal fees paid for by him, IMO.








In the end, it's not going to matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away

-shing xiong

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-07-2007
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 9:23am

Hi there...

This is the same story with my divorce... last night, my ex told me he's having Contempt of Court charges filed against me. And... it's over visitation. This man is so full of anger toward me that he is doing anything to make my life miserable. He's getting remarried in July, why won't he leave me alone.

I think it's ego and control for these men. I can't take it though. If I do get served with Contempt. I will have to go fight for myself. I refuse to waste money on an attorney. If the judge won't see this as yet, another, vindictive act by my ex, then, so be it. Let the cookie crumble. But, I have done nothing but try to cooperative with this man. He wants me to be living in the gutter and can't handle that I didn't fall apart when he left me (for another woman).

I guess the key is document everything. I just worry because my ex has the time and money to fight me. He's not here taking care of his 2 kids... lives with his gf and her kids are grown. Must be a nice life...

I feel so sorry for the man...

In your case, I would surely think the judge would see that your kids are in a stable environment and happy where they are. I doubt a judge would change things unless they were in danger, and it sounds like they are far from that.

Try to relax, as I should... but it's hard. Why can't these men leave us along???????

Kathleen in Colorado

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2004
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 9:50am

Hi Kathleen!!

Wow, your ex sounds just like mine, except for he didn't meet his new wife until about a year after we were apart, so there was no infidelity. However, I go to a counselor and just last week I said to her "why won't this man just leave me alone" and she said "he is not over you leaving him" (it's been 6 years) and I said "but he's remarried now" and she said "of course he is, because he is the type of man who is going to have his needs meet, but he is not over the fact that you left him and he is punishing you for it". Huummm, the same week, he wrote me an email going off on me "you did this and you did that, blah, blah, blah, after the divorce that YOU wanted".... huuummmm, light bulb went off... that's what my counselor was talking about. Then he got in a fight with 16yr old dd and she told me he said to her "your mother is the one who wanted this divorce"..... huuummmm, another light bulb... that's what my counselor was talking about.... Does anyone reading this understand? Is it a guy thing? An ego thing? Revenge? My friends all tell me he is still in love with me and this is his way of releasing his pain by hurting me. When does it end? For years I would fight back and now I just ignore him, his emails and his voice mails. My attorney told me to "read them, delete them and go on with my day", so now I am trying that and now I get voice mails like "fine, now you want to ignore me, I'll just file for custody". I can't win. My daughters counselor also taught me "it takes two to play, if one person won't play back, the other eventually gets bored and goes away", so I tried that and that just enraged him more. Gggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2003
Thu, 03-08-2007 - 3:22pm

I had this issue with my ex and am afraid to go another round with my current husband, which I want a divorce. My ex though kept me in court for 10 years!. Since my son was 4 months old. I left at that point and he just kept putting me through court for years. First was custody, which he lost, but had visitation. He was very unstable as to when he would actually see my son. Then the courts would raise child support (they do their own evaluations every 3 years) and he would take me back into court again. The last custody time, they told him that there is no findings of abuse, he's in a stable environment, I do not drink/party, NOTHING. The courts will not give him custody. Then he tried for joint custody, which because of his own anger and unstableness, lost that too. The only thing he ever won in court was every other year for taxes because I am a SAHM.
My son at one point had to go to therapy because of HIM and the therapist told me the same thing they told you. It was all because he's mad I left him, and he's doing anything he can to get back at me.

I haven't done any filing here yet because I just don't have it in me yet to have this all over again....

Heather