Not So Stong Today
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| Tue, 02-06-2007 - 1:10pm |
I guess I thought that once I moved out of my home, life would get easier. However, it has become much harder.
My STBX really isn't a moron, but as I've posted before, he is an alcoholic and i believe extremely depressed. He doesn't have a job and in about 3 weeks he will more than likely be homeless. (our house is set for foreclosure) I can't help but feel sorry and responsible for him. I've been married to him for over 20 years. Where does my responsibility end? Or does it?
A marriage to me, at least, is a partnership between two people. A partnership that extends to everything, raising children, financial responsibility, responsibility for maintaining a household. But for the past 7 years, he has been sinking deeper and deeper into his alcoholic abyss. for the past 4.5 years, he has had difficulty holding a job and staying sober. my FIL blames me and refuses to believe that he has a drinking problem. My BIL has called him and my STBX tells him that he is ok, when he's not. When he lost his last real job, september 2005, i got involved in a full blown A.
I have so much guilt and anger. I don't know how to let it go. He's the father of my children. I don't want him to end up living on the street, but I also must stand firm and not allow him to move in with me in my new home. I cannot take care of him, or should i?
I call him and he cries on the phone. I feel terrible. I want to run to him and tell him its ok, but its not ok. He's not one of my children. But the guilt is overwhelming. I stop by, and he hasn't showered in days. What do i do?

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what a coincidence..
I posted just below you. My H is also an alcohlic getting worse and worse. Please see my post for some more information.
Mine has a steady job where he has worked for 10 years. He's a janitor at a school so it's easier for him to hide out and not do too much when he doesn't feel like it. My problem aside from the drinking/abuse issues is the money he is spending. I'm working 1 full and 2 part time jobs to keep up. he is spending over 1/2 his monthly take home pay on alcohol. He really doesn't contribute to the bills or mortage at all. He was supposed to use some of "his money" to buy heating oil but spent it on drinking so now we are without heat and use a fireplace to try and heat the whole house. I have used up all my savings, used everything to keep us going. I just can't do it anymore.
I think about leaving and EVERYONE thinks this should be SO easy. I will have to sell my house, possbily losing everything again. I can't get anything in my own name because he has ruined his credit along with mine. I have talked to a couple of his family members and they just say they don't see him drunk so what can they do?? they tell me just to not ask him for anything. Not contribute to bills or ask him to pick up a kid. nothing.. Not to check on his drinking just to ignore it all until I'm ready to leave. Mine also talks about suicide, talks about killing us, talks about how sad he is, how much he misses the way it "used to be" but won't consider MC or rehab. Mine also hasn't showered in days and is depressed. I feel like I have to care for him. To watch out for him. He has his mother and I know that's where he will run to if I leave but even though she would love nothing more than to have him back she's 85 and she has made him what he is. He can't cook, has never done laundry, he's afraid to drive (he will only go to and from work, about 4 miles and his favorite beer joint is along the way).
I feel like he's my child and I shouldn't leave him but he's killing me and does nothing for me ever. I keep staying and staying but I can't go on this way.
You have made the break and I envy you. I wish i were there too. I just can't seem to kick him out. Please stand strong and don't go back. Maybe they have to hit rock bottom before they can find there way back up. If we never let them hit the bottom they will never get there life back and we will always feel responsible.
I wish I could help. Just know you are not alone.. i know exactly how you feel.
Well, I think it's good, to a degree, that you care (you're not a heartless witch).... but, ya know what?
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~
Oh, I am so sorry to hear how painful it is. No you don't need to rescue him, but I know how hard it is not to. I want to write more, but am on my way out. I will check in later, but know I am thinking of you and praying for your whole family!
M
thanks all for your replies. i know that it truly is one day at a time. i am thankful that i have a roof over my head and my childrens. i'm sitting here watching the snow fall and i feel so sad but yet peaceful at the same time. it has to get better, right?
off to bed. i'm sure school will be canceled tomorrow with our whopping 2 inches of snow here in our nations capital
night everyone and god bless.
c
Awe, honey. Don't we all have bad days.
I wanted to write more earlier, but couldn't. Yep, they closed schools -- can you believe it? A two hour delay, maybe, but closed?!!! I am trying to be grateful at having both girls home from school. I guess I better call the mom my youngest has an afterschool playdate with, hunh?
All that trivia aside ...
What you are going through just tears the heart. Watching the father of your children self-destruct and knowing that it is gonna (has already) hurt the kids to see their father that way and not have a father to step up to the plate, much less provide ... that is miserable. So, of course, you are strongly tempted to rescue him. Believe me, it is going to be SO hard not to rescue my stbx in lots of small (but they add up) ways.
Maybe you could encourage friends to help him, but beyond that I guess you have to hug your kids tight and when necessary, go to the other room to cry.
Now I sure don't sound encouraging, do I? Sorry, I want to be. I guess I'd say -- continue to take care of yourself, build your life, build the support around your kids (friends, family, etc), make a commitment to grow yourself (that is one of my agendas -- to mature and learn from this tragedy and not to repeat some of the same mistakes, to become a better person who gives life to others).
Courage and hope!
M
I do have a close friend and her h who have offered to talk to STBX. My friend knows everything about the failure of our marriage. she has not taken sides and truly is a great person to offer support. her H has been through a divorce, also a great guy who hasn't taken sides.
I am really putting myself last (as always) focusing on the kids and helping STBX find a way to become better, for the children, but most importantly, for his own health. What a long road.
C
Hey there . . .
{{{{{{{{{{{I'm sending you positive, healing hugs today!!}}}}}}}}}}}}}
My name is Laurene, and I hope that I can at least help a bit today. Remember, that we're here for you!!
I grew up in an alcoholic home. My mother was a "functioning" alcoholic. I guess if I had to choose one, I would choose a functioning alcoholic, over a non-funcitoning one. She paid our bills, went to work, put food on the table, etc., but she wasn't there emotionally. I tried to get her to go to counseling, AA, or something, but she's always denied that she has a problem. I've gone through counseling for this, and what I was told was that the alcholic has to want to get help. It's not something that you can force upon them. I know it's hard to watch someone you love hurt themselves like this. But your stbx has to want the help. As for your il's, let them believe what they want to believe. Alcoholism is a disease, and as studies have found, it tends to be a genetic issue too. Although someone can grow up in a home where no one is an alcoholic, the behavior within the home can form that problem. It sounds as though they are "enablers", and you have to accept that they won't see the problem, even if it was in front of their faces. The fact that they are blaming you, not their son/brother, should show you where they are at with this. I know it's hard, but try to let their accusations roll off of you. It is NOT your fault!!
I've gone through a foreclosure too. It's horrible. It affects everything, credit, future, kids, all of it. Knowing that you couldn't live up to the responsibility of paying that bill, is humiliating. Accepting the consequences is hard. It does get easier, as do the emotions that you are going through from the divorce.
My heart goes out to you!!
A little tough love here . . . I had to let my mother hit bottom. Did it help? Truthfully, no. Instead of cleaning up after her, I stopped picking up all of the bottles and the mess. I thought if she could see exactly how much she'd drank the day/night before, she would see how it was affecting her and me. It was hard. I didn't have friends over, I was so embarassed!! This is the tough part . . . you need to let him face his problems. If he ends up homeless, that's HIS choice, not yours. It is your responsibility to be there for your kids. To keep them safe, to keep them from his alcoholism, and help them deal with the issues that come up from this. It is your responsibility to take care of yourself too. Moving on is so hard.
I just signed my final divorce papers yesterday. I can tell you that it does get easier, and there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. Try to focus on putting yourself and your kids back together. Focus on the fact that you deserve to be happy, and deserve, someday to be happy with someone else. You deserve to be the best person that you can be. If that means that you become that person w/o your stbx, then so be it. Divorce is not easy, adding on the issues that you're facing, it seems overwhelming. Some days, it is. Just remember that you are getting out of an awful situation, and doing what is best.
I hope that I've helped a bit!! Take care of yourself!!
Keep us up to date on how you're doing, we're here!!
Laurene
I had to tell myself that I wasn't doing that because I was selfish or uncaring but because that was maybe the only way he could save his life.
It was the hardest thing I ever did and still is hard on a day to day basis not to be sucked into his misery. But-I know how easy it is to get sucked back in and I know if I do that I will again become the enabler.
You are not selfish and you shouldn't feel guilty. Those on the outside might never understand because they have never been in an alcoholic relationship (especially as a spouse) and they may not understand why you are not doing more to help him. It is a hard concept for anyone to grasp. Just tell those that ask that you are taking advice of professionals and if they want to understand they should attend an Alanon meeting. It is not your responsibility to be the teacher right now-you have enough on your plate.
Thinking of you...
M.
You care, which makes you a decent, kind person. However, I honestly feel at some point, adults MUST become responsible for their own behavior. That doesn't mean kick them out at the first sign of trouble, naturally. But you have given this man MULTIPLE chances to get his act together.
Many people have had awful childhoods, filled with abuse, alcoholism, neglect, etc. That doesn't give them the right to torture other people with their misdeeds.
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