Not So Stong Today

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2006
Not So Stong Today
12
Tue, 02-06-2007 - 1:10pm

I guess I thought that once I moved out of my home, life would get easier. However, it has become much harder.

My STBX really isn't a moron, but as I've posted before, he is an alcoholic and i believe extremely depressed. He doesn't have a job and in about 3 weeks he will more than likely be homeless. (our house is set for foreclosure) I can't help but feel sorry and responsible for him. I've been married to him for over 20 years. Where does my responsibility end? Or does it?

A marriage to me, at least, is a partnership between two people. A partnership that extends to everything, raising children, financial responsibility, responsibility for maintaining a household. But for the past 7 years, he has been sinking deeper and deeper into his alcoholic abyss. for the past 4.5 years, he has had difficulty holding a job and staying sober. my FIL blames me and refuses to believe that he has a drinking problem. My BIL has called him and my STBX tells him that he is ok, when he's not. When he lost his last real job, september 2005, i got involved in a full blown A.

I have so much guilt and anger. I don't know how to let it go. He's the father of my children. I don't want him to end up living on the street, but I also must stand firm and not allow him to move in with me in my new home. I cannot take care of him, or should i?

I call him and he cries on the phone. I feel terrible. I want to run to him and tell him its ok, but its not ok. He's not one of my children. But the guilt is overwhelming. I stop by, and he hasn't showered in days. What do i do?

what

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 1:55pm

My EX SO was a pretty-much functioning alcoholic.... even *I* didn't *see* that's what he was until we were deep, deep deep in the relationship (and I might add that in the initial stages of the relationship, he was a lot more aware of his actions around me than he was later on).


You're right.... to the rest of the world... they seem like wonderful little angels who are a dream come true.

Karen ~ wildlucky4me


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2007
Wed, 02-07-2007 - 5:14pm

Justice,

I can only say, that I am sorry for the tears!! However, I completely understand where they came from.

My biggest concern/disappointment, has always been how my mother's alcoholism would affect my sons. When they were younger, I tried to keep them away from it, shelter them. I knew that the day would come when I couldn't do this any longer. An experience to share here . . . at one point, my x was terribly ill with Pleurisy. It's a step above Pneumonia, and I had no choice but to take him to the ER.

When I called my Mother, the only babysitter available on such a short notice, she was trashed. I knew that I had to make the choice to take my x to the hospital or leave my children with her. My x was such a baby, and wouldn't go by ambulance, and could not drive himself. I said a prayer, and walked out the door. It was heart-wrenching!! I called every 20 minutes to check on them. I talked to each of them, to make sure that they were alright. My x would not let me leave the hospital, even though he knew the condition that my Mother was in. After that, I told her in no uncertain terms, that she was not to ever, ever drink around my children, and that no matter what I would never, ever leave them with her again if she was drunk. To this day, and this is probably 11 years or so later, she has never forgiven me for it. She feels that if she took such "good care" of me when I was growing up, even though she "drank a bit", why couldn't she do that and take care of my boys. Boy, did I rip her a new one on that!lol

Since my Mother functioned, at least to the outside world, no one ever believed me. I went to friends of hers, my Grandmother, and any one else that would listen to me about it. Truthfully, only my Uncle, my Mother's step-brother, has ever believed me about it. My Grandfather was a drunk, and so, my Grandmother was in total denial about it. My Mother was/is very selective about who she will drink around. She has even gone as far as shopping for whatever she has a taste for that day, at stores where people do not know me, so they cannot tell on her! Pathetic.

I love my Mother dearly, am an only child. But to see her denying her issues, has not helped me in learning to deal with my own.

Just know that you are not alone in this! Al-Anon is a wonderful organization. Growing up, I had my own issues with drinking and drugs, and I attended both AA and Al-Anon. From the Al-Anon group, I learned how not to become an "enabler". From AA, I learned how to deal with my own issues. From my experiences, I do not drink, or do drugs, other than prescription medications that are necessary for my pain issues. I am very, very careful about those, as I know that if I get the "wrong" one, I'd slip again. I do not want my kids to grow up knowing what it is like to have a "functioning alcoholic" or any other kind for a parent.

It was good to hear from you!

Take care,
Laurene

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