Not sure how to begin to tell this
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Not sure how to begin to tell this
| Wed, 06-06-2007 - 9:23pm |
Finally after 27 years of abuse I have filed for divorce. I waited until my 3 children had grown and two are now gone. I have been married to a gambler, womanizer, drunk, and lier. 4 years ago without my knowledge he transfered all our marital assets to his family (this was overseas and I had no rights). 15 years ago I went back to work and have worked full time ever since. I built my career in spite of him and eventually could support myself and children alone. He stopped working 4 years ago and now claims to have been the house father (to 3 teenagers) and is suing me for the house, custody of our 16 year old, alimony etc. But God is good, the day after I filed for divorce I was fired. I have been unemployed for 6 months and he has finally got a clerk job. He is a college grad, ran his own companies but is playing an act that he is unable to support himself. On Monday we have mediation, almost all my money is gone and I will have to default on the mortgage soon. He has not contributed to supporting our children for years - I can prove it, I have all the accounting. Does he really have a case, I have only supported the family for 4 years, but that is now being used against me. What about the other 23 years and literally millions of dollars he has squandered. In his deposition I found out about all his infidelities for the first time, I suppose I knew, but I did not ...

I think we "middle aged women" who have put up with this type of man should get our own web space, and a BUNCH of awards!! We have catered to, waited on, supported, made excuses for and stuck by these men who obviously don't appreciate us, much less love us. Oh, they can say the words, when they want something. But mine never gives anything back anymore except occasionally really great sex. After moving out 11 months ago, nothing has really changed - for the most part. A year ago this week he told me our marriage had been over for at least 7 years but thatI didn't want to admit it. But he hasn't asked for or initiated a divorce. Why would he? He says if that's what I want, ok, but he doesn't want us to wind up enemies. Stupid me keeps giving him everything he asks for!! Well, this afternoon may be the last straw. I got the same reaction from him today that I did exactly 1 year ago when I asked him to do a minor thing for me. I'm not deaf,(he yells a lot) but obviously I am dumb! I don't want to be one of those bitter women. I don't hate him. I don't think the last 32 years was a total waste because we have a wonderful 30 yr old son and 2 beautiful granddaughters. I say I love him, but I wonder if it's not just habit, cause I really don't like the person he has become. (Angry, controlling, vengeful, verbally and emotionally abusive) I know his chronic pain is a factor, but it is not an excuse. I feel guilty for leaving a disabled man, but I am just worn out from it all. For years he was "nice" - hindsight shows me he's always been this way to some degree. He just turned the worst of it on me the last few years. It's really hard to walk away after so many years. I get REALLY lonely for intelligent conversation - then I remember that the last few years we lived together he rarely talked to me. I went to weddings, funerals, school functions, work functions, etc. alone and made excuses for him. "he doesn't feel good" gets really old when he feels good enough to hang out with his friends while I work!
I too supported our family for YEARS. I continue to support myself, and help hubby out. But it is getting really disgusting to me for him to blow his disability check on whatever self medication he wants, then I end up buying him groceries toward the end of the month. The Christian in me will not let him go hungry, and I am still struggling with whether or not to file for divorce.
But - take heart - I just read an interesting response to another woman from "What" --
I think it will help a lot of us:
She said
"Repeat after me:
I cannot control his drinking. (I might add drugging, womanizing, whatever you need here)
I cannot make him be responsible with money.
I can only be accountable for myself.
...know your boundries and your limitations"
I am forming new boundries, and have already set my limitations....that's why I live alone. Surely there is a better life for us after giving so much for so many years. I just want somebody to give back sometimes.
In the end, when I am on my death bed, I want to look up and look into someones eyes and know that I mattered.
In the meantime, I pray for hubby and an answer to our marriage problems daily. I know God will take care of me, but I am not going to "play in the traffic".
Hang in there, and keep coming back to iVillage. It's been great for me to know I am not alone in this mess!
T.
At least you got great sex out of the deal, lol.
I think the $20,000 question is WHY did we put up with them for so long? My mother once said my ex saw me coming. I think she was right. There must be something about our personalities that attracts them to us. Somehow, they know we'll play along until they are done with us.
I just came home with a book "codependent no more" which was originally written for those dealing with alcoholics, but I think it has a lot of good points in it. I read it years ago, and decided its time for a re-read, and application of how to think of mySELF instead of HIM first.
Another book that has been extremely helpful to me is "As Silver Refined".
My encounter with hubby yesterday may be the proverbial "straw". I've been mourning the loss of what we had, but we haven't had "it" for several years. I agree with some others thoughts that he has been in "divorce mode" for a number of years, while I'm just starting out. If I could get really angry at him it would probably help. I just really don't understand how someone who supposedly loved us, and says he still does, can hurt us so badly and not seem to care.
Will the actual ache in my heart ever go away? Probably. It will just be an empty spot. Even if he makes the necessary changes I don't think I could ever trust him with all my heart again.
What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right. We ought to be pretty strong by the time we work through all this emotional mess our lives has become. I for one am not going to let that man kill me, physically or emotionally. I WILL SURVIVE!!!! You will too, and I know it's rough. Our whole adult lives have been tangled up with theirs. I can't even hardly sit thru a 1/2 hr tv show 'cause I'm so used to getting up to get HIM something. He has given me back so little the last few years I should be dancing for joy. Instead I keep weeping over what was and should be. But I know I will be better off when I really can "move on". And believe me, I am not looking for another man to take care of!!!
Lets get our mind set on US for a change. What do YOU want to do tomorrow? Next week? We
cannot let them ruin the rest of our lives.
Lets pray, read, go to iVillage, whatever it takes to move on.
Hugs 2 u
T
Dear T:
Thank you for your thoughts. Well I am looking for an emoticon that says resigned to our fate - but there is none.
My children are my only excuse for staying so long - I was on a business trip 5 years ago and he brought 2 prostitutes into my home while my children were there. They had to throw them out. They will testify to this if necessary in front of a judge the prove how un-fit he is. I began to reinvent myself 10 years ago and what ever happens I know he can not take my career and training away from me so he is stuck with himself.
I just dread the mediation next week and hope it will end. I am technically bankrupt since I have no income (unemployed) I have a 16 year old son to support and a dead beat. My insurance ends this month, my unemployment check ends this month, I have no savings and since I lived and worked outside the US most of my life I don't even have social security. But I will find another job, and I will move on alone without this monkey on my back.
thanks again and your right there are too many of us dealing with the same situation.
M
Well he is not worth shedding a tear for. For the first time in my career I have had a moment to look for the kind of job I want. My kids are basically paid for through next year (two in college) he has threatened to try to take the money from the kids that I gave them to pay tuition. He has not contributed a cent to their colleges. But he will lose that too.
I want to be able to make money and know it is all mine! He took everything from me including my engagement ring. He even stole a small inheritance I received some years ago. But he can control no more.
I started on the boards many years ago on the children of alcoholic parents board and still am in touch with some of the girls. I have been working toward the divorce since then. Thank you for recommending the books - I will look for them. The one that changed my life was Toxic Parents = it was then that I realized I had married a man like my father and I began to change my destiny. But I am back here again because I need advise and strength to see this through.
M
Edited 6/9/2007 4:47 pm ET by fortheroses2005
"I began to change my destiny" you say. I think perhaps that was the beginning of the end for my marriage. My doctor recommended "As Silver Refined" becuase in our FIRST visit she saw how stressed I was. A year later, 6 months after I moved out, she smiled all over and said "who's the smart one now?. I have to remind myself of the anxiety attacks I was having - the heart pounding, head throbbing, numb hands anxiety attacks. He was literally killing me -- on the road to a heart attack. Now my heart aches, but it's totally different. I am changing my destiny - and he got left behind. I found God when things got bad with his family 8-9 years ago. He got angry. When his family kicked us off the family farm almost 8 years ago(mom has Alzheimers) he wanted revenge, I wanted to move on with life. Then he turned all the anger over them and the situation on me. Like I was the cause. He doesn't realize that I lost my home to, and a huge part of my family. He acts like it only happened to him. I truly wish he would deal with this anger and get over it. His health is suffering also, but he "self medicates". That is not something I am willing to live with any more. The mood swings are torture to be around. Now my life may be boring, but it is peaceful. I am the only one changing the tv channel! I eat what I want, when I want. I sleep when I want to. He used to tell people "we eat when we're hungry and sleep when we're tired". He never saw that that only applied to him. The ol' servant girl here had to cook when he was hungry, and not allowed to sleep when she wanted to.
I agree, this place has helped me put a lot of things in perspective. A cheating husband got on another board to vent and called us the Ex Wives Club. What an idiot! His stbx was here looking for support to work out her marriage!!
You'll find the job you want, cause now you're free to pursue whatever you want. I found my dream job, though the pay isn't great, it is enough for me right now. Raise coming soon, I hope. I also have time to fix up MY home, and am sewing again. I just need to figure out what I enjoy socially so I don't spend so much time alone. Church only takes a couple hours a week.
I'm guessing your children are supportive, as is mine. My only son thinks I should move on. He's moving 2 hrs. away, and thinks I should also. We'll see how it goes. You hang in there and have faith.
Hugs 2 u
T.
I have had six months off work, the first real break I have had in 10 years. I traveled more than 1,000,000 air miles in the last 5 years and I have been in some very dangerous situations. I have seen the world and when they review my resume they are afraid to give me a job because it may be too dull - I want dull....
I have had all the adventure and excitement and now I want time to walk my dog, work in the garden, read, and do counted cross stitch which I have put away for the last 5 years. And I want time to play the piano without interruptions and feeling guilty that I am making too much noise. My neighbors love when I open up all the windows and "give a concert" as they say. I have finally reached the point when it will be my life - it has never been my life. I have always been the enabler - first my parents then my step fathers, then my husband. Now I will enable me!
Hugs
You go girl!! I just started rereading "Codependent No More". I read it at the request of a dear friend (now deceased) about 25 years ago. I didn't think it applied to me...I could not have been more wrong. I should have paid more attention and actually dont the "workbook" part of it.
As for work, it will come along. I had to convince the co. I now work for that I don't want to be a "boss" though I have a lot of supervisory experience. At this point in my live I just want to go to work, and leave it there. I too want a life of my own, but am really going to have to work at rediscovering waht I enjoy. I've always read a lot, and like to have flowers outside. I'm learning about potted plants outside this years, and am enjoying them a lot.
I'm so happy for you to be moving on. After what you've been thru, you deserve some peace and happiness. Too bad hubby doesn't get it, but you will survive!!
Hugs
T