Not sure how this will turn out

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2007
Not sure how this will turn out
3
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 7:36pm

The day before yesterday I proposed the 50/50 split with H giving the reason that I thought we should each have access to our own money. First it was a problem because he doesn't even make enough money for his half. Then it turned into a major blowout for the last two days because he feels like I'm preparing for separation. I guess he saw through it. My main goal isn't to separate, but if the counseling doesn't work, I need an emergency plan. I DO want to try counseling, but the last two days have been filled with him extremely depressed and reminding me about the affair I had 6 years ago. Nothing I can say seems to convince him I understand. Apparently I don't, or at least that's what he keeps saying. He has been yelling at me and acting extremely bitter and alternatingly sad. Of course, this brings up horrible memories on my part too. It's not like I was off enjoying myself the whole time. It was the worst point in my life. I lost my job. I didn't eat. We lost our house. You name it. Every few months however, he has to remind me of everything. I do feel guilty, and it did cause me perhaps as much distress as him, but in a different way.

Anyhow, it has been very difficult to concentrate on work and I cannot afford to lose another job over this. If nothing else, I have myself and DD to support.

Just don't know what to do. Even if he does eventually forgive me, there are plenty of other issues still causing problems. These are the same issues as before the affair, his income, his lack of help around the house, his anger and cynicism, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2003
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 9:58pm
Sounds so much like my H. I had an affair 3 yrs ago and he blamed me for all the bills because he was too upset to work. Didn't matter that he never worked much in the 11 years we've been together. The A was just another excuse for him to slack off. Anyway the anger thing is soooo hard to live with. Personally I am very threatened by angry people. I really hope for your sake the counseling will work but I also know you both have to want it to work and work hard at it to make it better. I've stayed with H for the past two years because I was too afraid to leave. I've been sleeping on the couch for about 6 months now and he finally told me he wanted a divorce. In the end it was easier for me to wait until he got tired of hanging on. He is still very angry with me and it makes it so hard to work things out but I can be patient and kind because I know I will have my freedom soon. I don't dare offer advice to you but I hope maybe there is a feeling of support.
M.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 8:11am
Been married for 9 years, together 13.
I knew in my guts it was over years ago,
but it took a big shakeup to make it actually happen.
Once that happened 8 months ago, I have just been hanging on by a thread,
waiting on my H to catch up with what was happening.
After so long in denial, he brought up divorce last night,
& I think this time it might really happen.
I have been sitting on GO for a while now, but I couldn't "abandon" him.
I had to wait, & now that it's finally here I am still not 100% sure about it,
but in time maybe things will look better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2006
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 12:33pm

Hello,

I think about something I heard thru times like these....let go and let God.......that is what helps me, it is hard thinking about divorce because I think it is where we have a child or children and the thought of major change for us and the children, and not knowing what will happen....fear of the unknown......and also, for me it is the fear of making another mistake......take care....