Not sure what to do

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2008
Not sure what to do
13
Tue, 04-29-2008 - 11:42am

Hi, I am new here. I've been reading some of your posts and find myself strangely comforted and disturbed at the same time to realize that

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 04-29-2008 - 3:38pm

I am a divorce lawyer and the other day I was talking with a court interpreter about the case we had just done and she said the couple got divorced because they "don't match."

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2008
Tue, 04-29-2008 - 9:29pm

Hi LMMto4,
Your husband sounds like my husband. We have been married 14yrs this May and as our marriage progressed, I have changed to want more emotional connection and he has changed to want less. We went to couples therapy for 6 (count them SIX!!) years and not much has changed. I figure six years is enough of an effort. The changes I see are too little too late. I no longer have the energy and strength to keep trying.

My husband isn't a bad man either. He's kind and he means well, but he isn't capable of giving me what I now know I NEED in a primary relationship. Living with him is as if I am living alone except more annoying 'cause I have to "take care of him" too. Living alone (with my son who is 4) would be refreshing and liberating. I cannot wait to live without my husband.

I understand where you are coming from and I have been there. If you are still having ambivalent feelings about divorce, maybe it's not the right time. It took me a while of going back and forth with the decision before I was ready to actually take the first real step. It's a gradual process and I think you are on your way. Power to you. You can do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Tue, 04-29-2008 - 9:43pm

I admire those folks with young children who chose divorce and believe it will be better for everyone and that attitude makes it better for everyone.


So, if that is your firm belief--that it will be better for everyone -- go for it.


I recommend individual therapy to talk through your thoughts, concerns, plans, dreams just to get it solid in your mind what you think is best.


For me -- nope, I would have stuck it out because to my core I believe staying married and being at home for my children was by far the best I could give them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2008
Wed, 04-30-2008 - 9:21am

Thank you. You have a lot of insight, and

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2008
Wed, 04-30-2008 - 9:31am

Hi Leah,


Yes, that's exactly how I feel. In some ways I think it would be so freeing to finally be rid of the baggage that's weighing me down with this, but in other ways I think it would only add to it because I would have to deal with all of my kids' issues. I actually feel like I'm screwed no matter what I do, and trying to figure out which is the lesser of the two evils.


I don't want to hurt him, and I don't want to hurt my kids. But I'm so tired of feeling lonely and hurt myself. I just don't feel like there's a good solution to this. It's so hard. If we didn't have kids, I would just leave him and never look back. I probably would have left a long time ago. But since we do have kids, we're always going to have that connection, and he will always be a part of my life. Sometimes I wish I could just go back in time and change everything.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2008
Wed, 04-30-2008 - 9:47am

I'm sorry that your stbx has hurt you so much. It must be so hard to have so little control over your kids' lives and feel as though there's nothing you can do to change it. I feel for you.


For the record, I am not one of those people who feels that divorce would be better for everyone. I am actually struggling because I know how hard it would be on everyone ... myself included. My problem is that I am suffering in my marriage, and my kids are feeling the impact. They do not have the mom that they need and deserve because I am so drained from putting all my energy into trying to make this relationship better. I don't think it's fair to ask my husband to change, but I don't think I'm asking for too much by trying to draw out some sort of connection from him. We are husband and wife, after all.


I guess the breaking point for me was seeing my boys' anger at their dad. I have two of them going through puberty. They are at the ages when their relationship with their dad is so important, and he's not there for them either. My oldest son actually said that he wished he wasn't "stuck with" Dh for a dad. His brother, who is just a year younger, doesn't want to have anything to do with him. He wants me all the time. He calls me when I'm in class to ask when I'll be home. He comes to me with his problems. He wants me at all of his activities and events. Not his dad. My boys are hurting, too, and yet it doesn't seem to be enough to motivate him to make more of an effort. Dh blames me. He says I've "brainwashed" them against him. That couldn't be less true. I have done everything in my power to defend him, explain his actions, and try to get my boys to respect him. But I guess it's easier to blame me than to admit responsibility because to admit responsibility would be to admit he needs to change, and I think that's a scary thing for him.


It's easier for me to put up with being shut out than it is for me to see my kids hurting because they are being shut out. My kids mean everything to me. Everything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
Wed, 04-30-2008 - 9:25pm

HUGS to you. The suffering of your children -- that is reason to make changes. Not that your own suffering isn't worth attending to, but when I read about your kids ... well, for me it is all about the innocents who did nothing to bring about the situation they are in. In your case, it sounds like a pretty unhealthy one.

One possible positive outcome ... some dads become better dads after the divorce. I am surprised that my stbx has continued to be involved.

Maybe your stbx will step up to the plate when faced with only occasional opportunities (EOW) to be with his sons.

GL.

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Fri, 05-02-2008 - 6:20am

I know where you're coming from too...I've been married for almost 17 years with three children--11, 12, and 14.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2008
Sun, 05-11-2008 - 11:03pm
Hi! Its the first time for me on this website and the reason I was looking around was to find the answers to exactly the same problems you are facing. What did you decide in the end? I actually believe in happy mother=happy children. I am bored, lonely, tired and sick of being married to someone I am no longer attracted to, someone who is never going to change, someone who is a 'nice guy' but really not my type at all! We have been together for ten years, married for five of those and have a 3 y.o. girl. I am trying to work out whether to call it quits or whether to work on it some more. I don't think there's a lot that counseling can do for us now. I am scared that life will be lonely and what if I never meet anyone?! I would rather cook for two adults and eat in company than have dinner on my own every night for the rest of my life! Who wants a single mother as their partner? I will lose a lot of my best friends because they will disagree with the separation. I do not know what to do, but I definitely don't want to get to my death bed and say, "Well, life was.... okay.... I guess." I want to live life to the full and enjoy every minute! Any advice???!!! Thank you for reading!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2005
Sun, 05-11-2008 - 11:11pm

Does your husband have a mental illness?

Photobucket

Pages