not sure what to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
not sure what to do.
3
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 12:30pm

I've been moving back and forth between this board and the alcohol problems board. Not sure where to post sometimes.

My H is an alcoholic and I've posted before on some of his issues which there are many! I'm a little confused on some recent problems though. My H is an abusive, confused, paranoid drunk. If I were on the outside looking in I would think he was going to self destruct very soon, either physically or mentally. But it's harder for me to admit that to myself about my H.

Anyway, we had a rough weekend with his drinking, lying and I talked to him about it. I normally don't say much becuase there is no point. It is beyond his control and their is no reason to go into it. I am in the house to try to get some repairs done so I can put it on the market, sell it and get an apartment with my kids (3 from a previous marriage). But he kept going on and on aobut how i hate him, how depressed he is etc. I told him that much of that comes from his drinking etc. I don't hate him, if I did I would have left him long ago etc. first it's a pity me party then he gets very nasty with me. Well, we came to a bit of a resolution and on Sunday things were ok. Monday he calls in sick to work, I go to work. I don't talk to me all day. I go to my 2nd job and he doesn't call me and isn't up when I get home. He was at the bar monday after work so I'm sure he was drunk and he takes sleeping pills. tuesday morning i try to talk to him but he won't answer. Tuesday happened to be our anniversay. In between jobs I ran home and left him a a card and flower. I was going to call off my sencond job but he wouldn't speak to me so I didn't know what was going on?? On my way to my 2nd job I saw his truck at the bar. I came home form work about midnight. I found the card I gave him ripped and on the envelope he wrote. "I'm very sorry. She wins, very sorry" The "she" is my daughter that he HATES. She's 20. He will threaten to leave me all the time becuase of her and say she wins, she wants me gone.. it's because of her I drink so much etc. I talked to her yesterday morning and asked what happened she said that she had only seen him for a bout 5 minutes walking through the house to hang up the phone. so I have no idea what set him off.

I tried to speak to him tuesday night late, wednesday before we went to work and last night. he will not speak and doesn't acknowledge me. I cooked dinner and he took bite or two (after letting it sit in the kitch for about an hour while my daughter and I ate) and then threw it all away. Here's the new issue.. He will not speak, he just sits with his heard down. He just mumbles to himself aoubt being depressed and he doesn't know what to do.. he just sits in the chair and drinks beer (this is after going to the bar where he drinks beers and shots). He sat outside in the garage in a lawn chair for about 45 minutes. Just sitting there. I'm not sure what to do. He still seems to be fine around his buddies at work or the bar. I think most of his "depression" is for my benefit. He feels incredibly sorry for himself all the time. If he would leave us he would go back home to his mommy where he lived for 42 yrs till we married. She will cook, clean and pay all his bills. If he leaves i will lose everything. I've been fighting to the finish the house so I can sell it. I can't afford it on my own so I will lose everything. He gets to whine about being depressed (when he's really just a drunk) and go home to a cushy life with mommy.. I am already working 3 jobs and now I will lose it all. I was hoping for a few more months to get my house done.. but honestly I'm wondering if he would actually do something to himself? Or us? I feel horribly selfish for trying to stay there with him in order for him to help me with repairs and yet I wonder how much of it is genuine. He refuses to see a doc for meds, a therapist or couples therapy.

I don't know what to do... Sorry to vent so much. Does anyone have any ideas on depression etc. TIA

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 12:39pm
Depending on where you live, you could have him commited. FOR HIS OWN PROTECTION. They could observe him and recommend that he see a Dr. give him meds. In our state he can be commited for 72 hours. Call your local mental health clinic.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2006
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 1:03pm

Do you think he needs that? I'm mean I'm confused as He** as to what to do? I mean I've been depressed and took meds for it years ago. I'm also depressed now, it's tough not to be. But I'm also drepressed around family, friends work etc. Not just in my house when I don't get what I want. But I know that alcohol depresses you and his drinking is out of control. He blames everyone for his problems but when I try to talk to him (calmly) and say what's bothering me (like the fact that he was drunk one night and in the middle of the bar) he told me that he wanted to hit me in the head with a brick. Or that he lies about working so he can go drink. He says I'm criticizing him and now he feels worse. So I don't say anything.

His mother thinks he is Mr. perfect and she will fight me tooth and nail to do anything. I keep feeling like I'm being slefish and maybe if I just let him go and he goes back home he will be okay? but on his good days he begs me not to leave him, says that I'm all he has..

From what I understand here in PA he has to make some sort of threat etc to harm himself. I can't commit him on my word only. He would have to admit to a doctor or a mental health crisis worker that he's depressed. he won't do that. Like i said when he's at work or with his drinking buddies, life is wonderful. He would never admit to anyone that he is depressed so it would be my word against his.

If anyone knows anything different here in PA i would love to hear it. thanks everyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Thu, 06-28-2007 - 1:29pm
I would say that he is way beyond depressed! If he would threaten you or your kids again you could involve the police and ask them to call a squad. They will cart his behind away. He won't be given a chance, and they won't ask him if he is depressed. I am not a Dr. and I don't play on on TV but, this man sounds suicidal. Would you help him if he was holding a gun to his head? If he broke his arm? I would call a Dr. or clinic and see what they have to say.