not sure what I should do

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2005
not sure what I should do
10
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 9:51am
Hi, I am new here and I hope I am at the right place because I am so stressed and confused that I am not sure what I should do. My H and I have been separated for just over a year because of an A he had. I did not file for CS or separation because I kept hoping we would work things out. My H kept telling me he wanted to go to MC but he thought the time apart would be good for us. Found out a few months later that he had a new GF and when he realized I knew about her he tried to convince me that it was ok if we dated other people because we were separated but that it didn't mean we couldn't work things out. I guess I believed anything he told me because we were together 14 years, married 1 and we have 2 boys together and I kept hoping he would come to his senses because I didn't want to get divorced. I guess I also thought that if he didn't really want to be with me anymore he would of filed first but he thinks we should just leave things the way they are. I haven't heard from him in 2 months because I told him I didn't want to hear from him until he knew what he wanted so my question is if I haven't heard from him and he hasn't filed should I file first or just leave things the way they are because at least he hasn't bothered me and the kids. Any advice would be appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 10:10am

It's one thing if you don't want to hear from him, but you should be trying to talk to him for the children's sake. They need their father and if he's not around you have to at least make an attempt to have him take the children sometimes. He should be trying to get time with the children, but co-parenting is a two way street. Sometimes you have to push a little for your children's benefit. Plus it's not fair to you. He's off doing whatever and you don't get any time to yourself. My ex and I have equal time with our dd, which means we also have equal time for dating, exercising, volunteering, napping :), etc.

As far as filing first, what do you want? In most states you can file for cs without filing for divorce, so if you don't want to file first for divorce you can do that. But you should really talk to an attorney about all this so you know what the process is in your state.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 11:23am

I am not sure what you mean by "leaving things the way they are". by doing this - what are you hoping to gain? definately speak to a lawyer - you should have things finalized, one way or another.


hugs...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2005
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 11:55am

I am so sorry you are going through this.


These situations are never easy.


My advice.... financially...... it is VERY hard to be a single mom in the working world. The longer you stay "married" the more of a chance you have of getting alimony/maintenance on top of your child support ( which is law mandated ) I was only married 1 year, but we were together 6+ and I could not get alimony.


I would leave things the way they are if you are not ready to finalize things. You know it's over, he is with someone else, but the longer you stay "married" the more you will get out of the divorce.


I also agree with the fact that the children need their father and his money for support.


Just my 2 cents.


Hugs to you sweetie,


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 12:19pm

I just wanted to say that it is very much based on state law and circumstances. To know if alimony is a possibility, one should see an attorney. I wouldn't have gotten alimony no matter how long I stayed married (I was married 9 years at the time we separated) because I hadn't given up my career. My guess if the OP can survive and support the children without any support so far, she may not be entitled to alimony either.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 1:02pm

Has he had no contact with his kids in 2 motnhs either? From a legal standpoint, thats not going to make him look good.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2005
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 2:41pm

Thanks for the advice, but I guess I should tell you a little more about my story because eventhough right now I am glad he is out of my life I am not purposely keeping him away from the kids although part of me is glad I don't have to deal with his GF being in their lives. After I found out about his A, I threatened him with D and he showed up at the house and went crazy trying to kick me out. He broke lamps and punched a lot of holes in the walls and the police were called by the neighbours. He was arrested and got probabation with the condition he was allowed to talk to me and the kids through a contact order which I went through with. I am still in our house and have the same phone number so he could talk to them if he wanted to but I guess his GF is more important. I kept hoping that this was a bad nightmare that I would wake up from, but I guess I am awake now because I now know what I should do.

Just wondering how long does the D process take and is it really as costly as I've heard and could H stop D because I've heard through mutual friends that he doesn't want to D right now because he can't afford it. Glad to have found a place to vent with people who understand what I am going through.

Pam

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 3:02pm
I am so sorry things wer so rough with your H's departure.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 3:04pm

>>>Just wondering how long does the D process take and is it really as costly as I've heard and could H stop D because I've heard through mutual friends that he doesn't want to D right now because he can't afford it.<<<

These are things you have to ask an attorney. Every state has different laws and some have waiting periods. In my state if you both agree to file, there is a 90 day waiting period after you file. If one person contests it (refuses to agree to divorce) it can take 2 years. The 2 year process isn't any cheaper than the 90 day process.

My attorney cost me around $2k. We agreed on everything (property settlement, custody issues) and we knew that any disagreement could make it so we could not afford to divorce. There are do-it-yourself kits but IMHO it's very dangerous to go that route when you have children, and you will likely end up in court again anyway making it more expensive than doing it right the first time.

I can see where he would want a D, he's already moved on with his life. I don't see how you can live like this forever so initiating the divorce might be the best option you have.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 5:47pm

Ok, i see a bit more clearly now. But the point is he COULD be having contact w/ the kids, he is just choosing not to.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2005
Sun, 03-20-2005 - 10:50pm

So, he had an affair, has a girlfriend, hasn't attempted to contact his kids, but when you told him you wanted a divorce, he went nuts??? I would ask if he's looking to "have his cake, and eat it too", but I don't understand what HE feels he's getting out of the deal staying married to you, unless he is just trying to get out of paying child support and/or alimony???? Am I missing something here?

I would say that if he is willing to go through with the divorce, that you check with your local family court division, and ask how much it costs for the filing fee for a Joint Petition for Divorce.

Yes, I agree with other posts on the board about having an attorney look things over.....but let's face it....some of us are just NOT in the situation of being able to fork over thousands of dollars to end a marriage. Chances are if he's trying to get out of paying alimony and/or child support, then he might go for the "do it yourself" deal, instead of having to pay an attorney.

I'm in the middle of doing this myself now. The Joint Petition (for which the filing fee was $147 in my state of NH) is just basic information that you fill out, including a financial affadavit, and then you have a meeting with a court Case Manager who reviews all of the documentation, and than all of the legal paperwork is completed. I'll be the first to admit, I'm not sure how this whole thing is going to turn out for me, but this is what I need to do. My meeting with the Case Manager is in one week, and if at that time, I see, or feel that something isn't right with what needs to be in the paperwork, then I'll go to an attorney, and buy his time on an hourly basis (if that's possible), instead of for a flat fee.

No, I don't know if that's even possible, but my guess is that if you were to do the same thing, and it came down to the wire where something wasn't right......then you could always go to an attorney to discuss your options - or your STBX may sign off on the divorce instead of HIM having to get his own attorney!!

Either way, it doesn't sound like you need or deserve to be treated the way he is treating you (or your kids). Move on with your life, because apparently he already has. Just don't be fooled if something happens with his relationship with his new, or current girlfriend, and decides he wants to come back to you. He's done enough to hurt you - don't let him do it again.

Just my two cents....good luck.