Not sure where I belong - need support
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| Fri, 09-30-2005 - 9:56pm |
I'm not sure where I really belong, but I need some advise and support.
About a 6 weeks ago my husband started acting strange towards me, very distant and disconnected. I thought it was just a mood and it would pass but after about a week I confronted him and asked him if something was wrong. He said yes, that he wasn't sure what he was feeling but wasn't sure he still wanted to be in this relationship.
My husband and I have been together for 7 years, married for 5. We have two children (3 1/2 and 1). Up until now, I thought everything was fine. I mean, we had our arguements, just like everyone else, but nothing out of the ordinary. When I confronted him he just basically said he didn't know what he wanted anymore, but wouldn't really give me a good reason as to why. About a week ago I found out that he had interest in another woman (someone he works with). He told me about her, he said they haven't slept together but he did like her. He said she wasn't the reason he was feeling this way, but he did have feelings for her. He basically just says that he doesn't think I trust him and that I don't seem happy. I think there is more to it. We've talked alot these past few weeks and he admits it's nothing really I've done. He says he still loves me, but doesn't know what he wants and feels like he should leave and get some space. After much discussion, I finally asked him if he wanted to work on our relationship or just leave. He said he didn't know, but he feels like leaving would be best.
What is this? Do you think it's the other woman (which I believe he really hasn't slept with) or do you think she is just a good out for him, that there is more going on, like he's just tired of the responsibility of being a husband and a dad and wants out?
Any advise at this point would be helpful. I love my husband and would love things to work out between us, but my kids are my main focus right now. I think if it wasn't for them I would tell him to take that space and just hope I was still willing to take him back when he realized he was making a huge mistake, but because of my children I want to do anything I can to help him work through his issues so we can remain a family.
What do I do?
Susan

Susan,
I would suggest asking your husband to go to marriage counseling. That is where my husband and I are headed (we're working with our local Catholic Charities office for marriage counseling because they charge based on your income). Some of our issues are the same.
We've been together for 11 years, married for 7 and have three kids (4, 2 & 2). We're not the fighting type either, but that may be part of the problem. Instead of really working out problems, we just avoid them, convince ourselves that everything is ok and go on like nothing's wrong. That however has lead to a bit of resentment and a lot of misunderstanding between us.
We don't feel connected on several levels and in our case, I'm the one who wants to move on. I don't however want to separate our family, and I do still love my husband (just don't feel "in love" right now KWIM?), so we are looking forward to counseling. We're hoping that someone else will be able to ask the questions that will bring out answers that will help us understand each other better.
There's obviously something missing for your husband that he's not ready or not yet able to communicate. You're fortunate that he is being open with you instead of going around behind your back with someone else. The other woman may simply be a distraction from the problems he's having. He may just feel overwhelmed with being a husband and a dad (maybe not actually "tired of the responsibility"). He may feel left out if you're preoccupied with the kids.
I don't know if giving him "space" would allow him to think about the situation or allow him to disconnect even more. If he's not with you and the kids, but seeing the other woman at work, what will he be focusing on? In my opinion, you need to work on your problems together if you want to stay together. If he needs time away from you or home to think about the situation, maybe he should spend time with a family member or priest/pastor or a counselor who can help him focus on what's wrong, what he needs to articulate to you and what needs to change.
Think about how much time you two get to spend together alone. My husband and I are trying to go out on a few dates here and there to give us some fun time alone together. That has really been missing since we've had kids. Our relationship was really awkward at first right after we decided we needed counseling, but we're trying to stay hopeful. I know it will probably get worse at times before it gets better, but I don't like the thought of our family not being together.
Not sure if this helps. Sorry I can't give too much advice. Just know you're not alone. Hope it works out - just don't give up. I know for as much as I am unhappy right now, I have to stay committed and "fight" for my family.
Lee
Rather than asking him what he wants, since he's confused and doesn't know, tell him what you want is to try and save the marriage.
Idk, in this case.... this is what my ex did before he left me and I believe wholeheartedly that it was because of "her".......
I have seen evidence of their relationship before he left.... after the fact, but it proved my suspicions. My ex played the "limbo game" before he left too, and even for awhile after. In fact it drove me NUTS because I couldn't understand why things were fine one minute and not fine to the point of leaving the next. It broke my heart and made me crazy.
See, when they have an emotional affair, it is just as bad. Honestly, my ex was "seeing" her WAY before he left me. I found "friendly" emails between them and just had an all around BAD FEELING when it came to him talking about this girl. They get, well, weird. They don't know why they are feeling this way and can't understand why they are having feelings for someone else. Even if it's just emotional.... something is wrong and it is still an affair. He "likes" this woman at work, right? That would be enough for me. You are married, you know that your vows were important to you and you know why you didn't "like" someone else. You love your husband. Your husbands love for you is jeopordized by something... it is up to you and him to find out what that is.
Counceling works for some people. Is he willing to try? Are you willing to forgive that he "likes" someone else outside of the marriage? Are you willing to forgive being blamed for him "liking" another woman? ( you don't seem happy etc.... ) I got those same excuses and we are divorced now. 2 years after the day he told me about OW.... who was also a co-worker. There just has to come a time where you say.... ok, what is best for ME?
Honey, no one said this was easy. I honestly think that there is something he isn't telling you. In fact, your story of what he said to you and what you talked about could have literally come out of my "book"..... it was tough to hear and tough to live.... but I made it through it. I was pregnant when he told me he wasn't sure what he wanted.
Hugs to you and remember, think about what is best for you. Being in a trusting, loving relationship is what I believe to be best for you.... what do you think?
Hugs,
ANgelena
Thank you all for your words of support. I just don't know whether he is willing to try or not. He doesn't give me answers about anything. He just keeps saying he doesn't know how he feels, he thinks he needs space. We've discussed going to counseling, but he doesn't feel like we need to go, just him. He says it's his issues, not mine. I told him we are married and anything that effects him effects me, especially when it involves our family. I've told him that I want to try. I've told him I want our marriage to work. I've asked him if I could do anything differently to make things better for him. He just keeps saying he doesn't know.
I'm just not sure if he really wants to try anything. It's almost like he has his mind made up he's just too scared to actually say the words.
This hurts so much. I don't understand any of it. I thought we were happy. I'm mean I know it wasn't perfect, and there have been times of frustration for both of us, but I had no idea it was this serious. No idea. I don't understand how it could happen so fast. How my whole world can fall apart in a matter of weeks.
Susan
Ohmgosh, did I get a feeling of deja vu reading your post!
I walked around for a year and a half, wondering "what was wrong" that my STBX was acting so disinterested and disconnected since his return from an overseas work assignment in April of 2004. By February of 2005, he had started moving money around. All the while, he was denying anything was "wrong" or that anything was going on, altho he did mention how much he was enjoying his daily ride on the commuter bus.
During this time, he kept acting like his indifference was due to my this, my that, etc. I tried everything short of a lobotomy to change myself in order to be more open, loving, understanding, forgiving, accepting, etc.
On June 16th of 2005, I found out about the dreaded Kristina Gray (yup, that's her real name, folks, the commuter bus witch) and all my questions were answered (not by him, of course...he's STILL denying they're anything more than friends even tho my daughter has seen them kissing---ewww).
Sweetie, I honestly don't know that counseling or ANYthing will work if he's simply not interested. I'm not trying to be discouraging or cruel here, tho; the advice I'm very sincerely trying to give you is to start watching the money and be sure he doesn't leave you and your children in the street like my STBX is doing. That is the ONLY thing I regret about my actions in the last couple of years. The fact that I trusted in this man and took him at face value while I let him steal what was rightfully our children's.
I would pray that your case is very different, and that your husband truly is just having a hissy fit of some kind and he comes back bursting with love and energy and hope. However, given what I'm currently going thru and how hard I tried to do everything "right" to avoid it, all I can say is, watch out for your children's money and wellbeing. Don't lose sight of the fact that if he's been "out of it" for awhile, you may end up with more surprises than just a few "friendly" emails.
My sincerest best wishes go out to you as you try to work through the painful confusion you must be feeling. Please know that there is a lot of support on these websites, and if I sound a little bitter or whatever, it's just cuz I would hate to see someone else going thru what I'm going thru right now.
well - do you think he WILL go to counseling? if he will, then him going on his own is not a bad idea. its not that i don't think that you could use counseling as a couple ----- but sometimes you just need to get the therapy going and it doesn't matter who goes first.