Now if I could just lose 165 lbs...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Now if I could just lose 165 lbs...
3
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 8:45pm
Dear Ones,
I've posted here before - I was afraid to tell my husband of 20 years that I was miserable and wanted a divorce. I've been unhappy for a long time, but decided I could ignore the fact that he ignored us (2 DD in teens). I hit a tolerance level and decided to get up my nerve (thanks in part to this board). I spent an evening going thru these posts and someone asked the question, "What were your worst fears, and did they come true?" I read those fears and realized that I had the some of the same ones. And most of your biggest fears never came true! Go girls!! And yall had the nerve and courage to do something to make a change. So a few months later (after gaining courage, talking to a pastor, an attorney, friends and a counselor) I got up my nerve (I was scared to death-couldn't breathe) and told him I was miserable. He said that he was to, but he was resigned to this fate. I used other words; unhappy, discontent, etc. He agreed that he was the same. He panicked when I said I had seeked attorney/pastor/counselor - but the attorney word is what scared him.
So he said he wanted to see my counselor. Ten years ago, he went once and didn't go back. No explanation at that time, other than he couldn't find time in his appointment book. We went today and I was stunned.
She asked him why he wanted to stay married to me. His number 1 answer? "Statistics show that children of divorce parents do not succeed in life." Oh, and then he said because he loved me. He said he wanted to stay in the marriage for the children. I said I wanted out because of the children...that some women make bad men choices, because they lack attention, love, and affection from their fathers. Ummmm...he didn't like that statistic.
We're suppose to take a week and talk and communicate. He hasn't said much to me in 10 years of the 20 -- and now we get to cram it all in a week?
I told him it hurt that I asked him years ago to hold my hand - that it was important to me. And at the time he said he didn't because his parents never held hands. So today, 3 minutes before the end of the session, he holds out his hand and says, "yes or no?" Do you want a divorce?" I said I felt he had a gun to my head - 20 years and he was wanting an answer in 3 minutes.
In truth, I don't have the want or energy to talk to him or to "fix" it. I'm cynical and I don't trust him. He's done things that I don't like - snoops through my stuff, through the girl's things (diaries, coat pockets, etc.) when he didn't have any reason to - no bad or questionable behavior on their part.
So, I guess I wanted to tell someone, anyone in this boat, that I'm no longer a big fraidy kat! Scared, yes. But only scared of the unknown. But having control of my feelings and being responsible for them, and accountable for them, is a load off my mind.
I go to the counselor tomorrow alone. We'll go back next week. I'll be back here to gain more courage.
Thank you for being here. Oh, and before I forget - the 165 pounds I want to lose? That is how much the man weighs!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2006
Wed, 09-06-2006 - 8:53pm

The title was the EASY part to figure out ;) !!

Sounds like you have done great with the rest of it and are heading productively in the right direction.

Best of luck to you in the process.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 12:50am

Ahhhh.... you got yourself empowered.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2006
Fri, 09-08-2006 - 9:42pm
LOL, I used to tell some people that I lost 202 lbs when I got divorced!