..."Now I'm the BAD GUY"....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2005
..."Now I'm the BAD GUY"....
4
Thu, 06-01-2006 - 11:52pm
Hey to all!!!
Thank you to EVERYONE for being on a support network!!! I cannot believe what has happened. I divorced my husband because he is abusive (emotionally, verbally, a "little' phisical) and now, I"m the "bad guy". I have ben divorced for almost 3 years now. I am MISARABLE!! My kids see their dad every other weekend and he is awesome with them, I on the other hand am "worn out, tired, over-stressed, and not HAPPY!" How did this happen? I am a "push over" to say the least. I allow my former husband to call all the shots ie: visitation, vacation and so on... I know my passive behavior is to blame, but can anyone offer any advice on "taking control" and or putting your life "back together?" Wow, I had no idea of how I have let everything go, until I am reading what I have just typed! It took EVERYTHING I had to leave this man, and apparently after I did the HEROIC THING of getting out of an abusive situation, I gave up. If anyone can help or give advice, I would realy, realy appriciate it! Thank you Thank you!
Sandrainthesun 2005
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 12:48am

BTDT You haven't left him all together. He still has a hold of you. He will do whatever he can to keep that hold. It is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO empowering to start saying NO!!!! I can not tell you what a rush it is to say it the first time that he REALLY gets it! Nothing like it in the world! :) Give yourself the rush! Pick one thing at a time to tell him NO about. If vacation time is not already set up, that would be a good place to start. What is it you want? What is it he wants? Go for what you want but be willing to compromise. KNOW that he WILL not want to compromise. There is a CO to say what is to happen. If you don't follow it, he won't either. If he complains, just say that you didn't write the CO and your attorney told you that you have no choice but to start following it to the letter. It's okay to blame your attorney as you are building confindence in yourself!

Get yourself into some counseling, Hon. You need it or you'll end up picking another loser. Call your local women's shelter. They have resources. Often, they have support groups.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2004
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 8:40am
Hi sandrainthesun2005,
First, you are not the bad guy!!! You made a decision to make a better life for yourself and your children. You made a decision to get your children out of an abusive environment. Do you have a daughter? If so, seeing your ex being abusive to you teaches her that this is acceptable behavior from men. If you have a son, seeing your ex being abusive to you teaches him that this is acceptable behavior towards woman. YOu got them out of a negative environment, good for you, although divorce hurts them, so does abuse. As a mother, I try to make every decision with my children’s best interest in mind. They may not always be the best decisions, but we are human and we can only try. For me, I am not the best mom, employee, friend, person if I am not happy. So if getting away from that abusive man will make you happy (someday) then you made the right decision. It takes time. Give it time. You say he has them every other weekend, what do you do when he has them for the weekend? Can you find time for yourself? Even an hour is therapeutic? Go to the park and just sit and people-watch, go walk around you favorite store, go to the library and flip through your favorite magazine (they’re FREE there, my favorite part ;-), go to a movie all by yourself, take a nap, go get an ice cream cone and window shop while you eat it, whatever, just take time for YOU!!! It will get better and do not believe you are the bad guy bc that is what he wants you to believe. If you believe it, it empowers him. Have you done a search online and read any information about abuse. I did when I left my ex and what an eye-opener that was. It was unbelievable how similar some of the information was to my relationship. I guess those abusers are all cut from the same cloth. Anyway, stay strong. hbean
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2005
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 12:35pm
Thank-you soooo much! Sometimes it just takes, another person to say those Empowering words!! Thanks again!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2005
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 12:40pm
Hey hbean, WOW, I am so grateful for your reply. Your positive advice and encourgment are greatly appriciated. Thank-you!