NOW WAIT A MINUTE.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
NOW WAIT A MINUTE.....
9
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 1:48pm

Based on the psychiatrist's evaluation, determining that ex would benefit from psychological treament, anger management classes and domestic violence counseling and the seriousness of these things shouldnt it be required that ex get this treatment. In the beginning I was still in shock about what they felt regarding him. Now that its sinking in, is it safe for him to even still be having unsupervised visits. I mean they also said that he should have visitation and Im not saying he shouldnt have it but where/when will the treatment come in? Shouldnt there be treatment/ and the classes?

What is your take on this. Im concerned. Have any of you ever had an FE done and they discussed similar issues? If so, was treatment required or ordered by the judge? How does this work. I asked my lawyer if the judge can make him get treatment and he said no. If not what the heck is the point of having an FE and why would they just ignore what the evaluators find?




Edited 9/14/2006 4:44 pm ET by luvred2004
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 5:39pm
That doesn't make a lot of sense. If the judge can't order him to participate in the counseling, etc., the judge should order supervised visitation, IMO.




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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 5:51pm

The problem is that neither of them have attorneys. They are using state appointed, funded lawyers to navigate this. Counseling and psychological testing is expensive and he has not done anything that would label him as an urgent case. His attorney could suggest that if you feel he is a danger then you can foot the bill for the testing and treatment.

It is a catch 22 and it sucks but it is the reality of the system, especially when you are getting it for free. The courts simply cannot make decisions on what MIGHT happen. Do you know how many mothers have said that they felt their exes were dangerous or had anger management problems? Yet these were the very men those women chose as husbands and fathers. The courts could not possibly order every one of them to go through counseling and have them tested.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 12:20pm

As you may have noticed, I have a nearly unilateral distaste for all things involved in family court.

Ive seen nasty custody battles several times. I saw my ex chase down her first husband, and I saw my ex chase me down.

When it was my ex and her first husband, both of them had reams of pysc evaluations from their own seperate "experts". So the net result was that they had to go to a court appointed "expert". Both my ex and her first husband were evaluated -- I saw the reports. The reports were so incredibly wrong! If you have even the slightest knowledge of mental health, you can skew the outcome of an evaluation.

And even if you don't, the evaluations carry little weight. Its one of those activities that seems like you are doing something.

So in this case, only the evaluators and the court appointees benefitted because they got to charge ridiculous fees every step of the way.

In my case, my ex accused me of raping my son, raping my step daughters, raping her, of being a violent sociopath, and a predatory pedophile. We had been in couples and family counceling for years, so we agreed to use their evaluation. The evaluation stated none of the accusations about me were true, and that my ex was the problem. But because she made the accusations, the evaluation was ignored, because the accusations were to bad.

Eventually, if you and your stbx get enough time in front of the judge, the judge will get a pretty good picture of the both of you. But that takes A LOT of time, which translates directly into a lot of money.

The only thing I could see that made a different is that if one or both of you have had a felony arrest within the last six months -- that tends to "wake" the family court system up a bit. Otherwise, the custody fight is about who is willing to make the most awful accusations, who will spend the most on lawyers, and how long you are willing to subject the kids to a custody battle.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 1:43pm

actually neither of us has had a felony arrest within the last six months. When we first broke up he violated the temporary restraining order I filed and had to spend the night in jail. That was over two years ago. To me it was what is the point of doing the eval if like with us they concluded what they did about us but its like now okay this is what was found and we'll just leave it at that. Then God forbid something happen to me or ds the court wont be held accountable? The judge ordered this darn eval. The courts can make a decision about who your child will live with, what rights either parent will have/not have but if its found that some sort of help is needed they cant do anything about that? What's wrong with this picture.

Step2littleis is right. We both have court appointed lawyers. However what the heck should it matter. Because we arent paying out of pocket, if it's determined treament is needed who cares now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 1:54pm

Hey step,

The fact that the courts ordered the testing, shouldnt they be the ones to enforce it or order whatever treatment was deemed benefitial. Since this determination was made by the psychologists they looked to for it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 10:07pm

What they found is pretty vague. It says that he may benefit from these types of classes or counseling, not that he really needs it or that he is a danger to anyone, particularly his own child.

I know this is all very stressful and he has behaved badly but nothing you have described on this MB points to him being a threat to his child. Yes he has made some dumb choices, yes he provokes you but even with all of that there is nothing concrete.

Most of this will go nowhere simply because you are on the states dime and they ain't paying anymore than absolutely minimum. Even if you were paying the bills what you have described would not get you very far. Your best bet is to keep trying with him because it sounds like he isn't going away and he wants a relationship with his son. Sorry I don't have the answers that you want but I call 'em like I see 'em.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 9:23am

I respect your opinion and look forward to it (even though it may "not" be the answer I want, lol) but you help me to look at things objectively. I need that every now and again. One thing Ive realized is your right about the state thing. Only forking up the mininum. They dont really give a crap and they didnt say he was a danger to our son. I pray everyday that he doesnt go over the edge just to spite me. As far fetched as some may think its sounds, it happens more and more and its a shame. I dont doubt for a second that he loves our son, he just...I'll just say a big jerk still. I have to stay on top of the posibble deportation issue though, if that's really the case then I have to be really careful.

Do you know if a child can travel on a parent's passport?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 9:30am
When my kids travel within the US, I've had to present an original

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Mon, 09-18-2006 - 10:44am
Thanks for the info. Him being originally from Jamaica and this deportation stuff I wanted to be sure. In case he tries to pull anything.