NOW WHAT?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2007
NOW WHAT?
5
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 11:51am
HI THERE...I'm a recent poster..separated from my husband with two daughters(1st marriage) and a 3 month old son(his).....He said he doesn't necessarily want a divorce and says he thinks the separation will do the relationship some good. Well..I feel like a weak, dependent, pathetic fool. He never calls...and when he does....he acts all casual--completely superficial conversation--never an I miss you or I love you---nothing. When I seem upset he acts as if I'm an emotional mess. "My gosh--its only been **** days--why are you so upset???" He does talk about missing his son all the time though. Last nite I told him I was frustrated with the situation and again he got angry and acted like I was just trying to pick a fight.He said "I'm just working and doing what I need to do..I'm not going to sit around and cry all day...I"m sufferring too without my son being here." AGAIN--looks like he is only missing his son--not a word about me...His e-mails are almost cryptic--like he's talking to a client instead of the woman he loves....I think I'm kidding myself..and now he is where he always has been--in the catbird seat. .How do I re-gain my pride??? I feel I need to truly separate from this in my heart..I feel he is just stringing me along to make it less painful for HIM...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2007
In reply to: mamaofthree2007
Fri, 04-06-2007 - 6:38pm

Your relationship sounds alot like mine except I have "reconciled" with my husband after separting. That was 6 years ago. I walk through life afraid that he is going to leave me again. Until today.

We got into another fight and this time I am not hurt. I am just numb.

My suggestion to you is to not answer the phone too readily each time he calls. Do not be so convenient for him. If he wants to talk about your son, keep it short and too the point. He knows he is in control and it is time for you to take over. It will be almost unbearable at first. Get out of the house even just for a walk or to the library. Go out with friends if you can find a babysitter, or better yet, have your husband watch your son while you go out and enjoy yourself for awhile. Again I know this is all easier said than done, but if you give it a try I bet it will make you happier.

At least I hope so because I plan on following my own advice!

Good luck!

~Melissa~

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2006
In reply to: mamaofthree2007
Sat, 04-07-2007 - 9:56am

If you aren't in counseling I would get there. You need a supportive person to talk this through with. Otherwise you might be subject to more manipulation. This does sound like a power inbalance on many front. Also, couples counseling would be important if he thinks you will stay married.

Gotta go boil Easter eggs ...

M

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2006
In reply to: mamaofthree2007
Sat, 04-07-2007 - 11:05am

Hi Mama,


Yes, you definetly need to consider finding a counselor to help you. Preferrably, your husband would also go with you. This "working on himself" business isn't a do-it-yourself project! Neither is it for you.


A marriage counselor (solo or together) can help you sort out the issues and give you an objective viewpoint. It would also go a long way to have some structure to your separation. There needs to be some "rules" or boundaries during your time apart such as who takes care of the household repairs, bills, child care, etc. You shouldn't be "stuck" with the responsibilities of child care while he goes out and plays. A counselor can help him see the light and get on track.


It will also help you a lot to have someone to express your fears and do some constructive planning.


Good luck and let us know how you are doing.


CL-Wisdomtooth2020

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
In reply to: mamaofthree2007
Sat, 04-07-2007 - 7:55pm
My ex walked out when my son was 4 mo.s old. For the first time. I didn't realize it at the time but, he had someone else. He too was very evasive. Talked to me like I was a distant friend. That was because he had told his "girkfriend" we were divorced. You need to talk with someone for your kids sake. I also found it helpful to keep a journal. It not only helps you keep track of things, but its also fun to go back and see how far you've come. I put up with his stuff for 2 more yr.s. I don't recommend it.
Go get your hair done. Or your nails. Invest in you. The happier you are, the happier your kids will be. And if you are happy, he will wonder why.
Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2007
In reply to: mamaofthree2007
Sat, 04-07-2007 - 11:15pm

Wow, I read your post and totally connected with it. I just posted one myself titled. "what do you think." Even though I have no kids, I'm still having the same emotions as you. My husband calls, and pretends nothing is wrong and inside I"m dying. I'm wanting to talk about things, but he seems to be happy the way things are and it kills me. He has several single friends that he runs around with, but allll of my friends are married and have other family responsiblities. Even though he filed for divorce, its like I"m still chasing him to work things out. I feel so so alone sometimes.

We are going to have good days, and we are going to have bad days. We have to just get through the rough days, one day at a time. Realizing that today is going to be a bad, and I may not be myself is ok. I've tried to be super friendly when my husband has called....and I've also been really cold and short. He doesnt seem to responded to either way, always the same.

I just want to let you know, that I"m in a similar boat. I know how your feeling. Know that your not alone feeling like your husband is in the "catbird" seat. Hang in there. Hope to keep in touch.