Now what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Now what?
11
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 11:06am

Hi. Well, I have (hopefully!) good news....My stbx and I were in a viscious cycle of arguing/blaming for the past few years. We finally had enough and he moved out and we filed for dissolution in April. In the past six weeks, he would continue to have negative contact with me, interspersed with nice things. He seemed to make half-hearted attempts to spend time with me, but often I was to read his mind and make the first move. (Gee...my telepathic abilities seem to be broken...can't read minds anymore..haha!)
Anyway, with our June 16 court date quickly approaching, I finally just reached out, without any preconceived notions. I asked him to go out to dinner with all of us, and then come to "my" house to watch a movie. It was very nice and calm. No fighting so far this weekend. I have to admit that it's been nice to attend our daughter's crew race and prom activities together. I have always wanted my family intact and happy, but we just couldn't achieve that. There was too much anger. Anyway, we're starting to talk and he finally admitted that he needs some kind of medication for his depression. (although he says he's afraid to take it, feel better, and then decide he'd rather be a bachelor) As a matter of fact, I think he wasn't just getting away from me, I think he was escaping life in general.

So anyway, I'm wondering what will happen now. He says he wants me and our family/life. He says he love me. But...how long before it goes back to what it was? Since he's moved out, I've realized that I CAN do it on my own. I see now how much I did do when he lived here. I'm really not doing anymore than before he left. I also see that I don't want to re-enter that horrible cycle of fighting. We had gotten to the point where it seemed natural to fight constantly.

We almost dissolved our marriage a year ago. He had a breakdown and said he wanted to try again. I believed him. And we rushed into buying our dream house. Then he said he was miserable two months after moving in last October, so we put our house up for sale. Now he's talking about moving back in within a week or so, and what we can do to this house, as far as fixing up the rec room, etc. Part of me says "yes" and part of me is hesitant. I don't want to make another mistake, and have to start all over with the dissolution process again in the future. But...what if he is willing to get medical help and his anger has gone away?

*sigh* So much to think about. Thanks for listening, Jo

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 12:41pm

Jo, this is so weird, I was just about to post a question about how you were doing. I just had a sense that something major was going on.


Now....is it possible for you two to reconcile and have a happy marriage and family life? Sure. But your story sounds a lot like mine - and I can only speak from my personal experience.


Ex and I separated for the first time over three years ago. I had filed for divorce, he had found a new place to live - the whole nine yards. After some counseling, we decided to give it another try, and we also bought a house. Within a couple of months, he was back to his old behavior patterns (excessive spending, going out with friends all the time, etc).


So three years later, we ended up divorcing. Quite honestly, I feel like getting back together just postponed the inevitable, and I think a part of me realized that at the time. Ask yourself this question honestly - are you just postponing the inevitable?


HUGS! I know this isn't an easy decision to make.




Follow me to my partner in the siggy exchange....


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 1:38pm
I certainly think reconciliation is possible but I think I would require that he get the medical help FIRST. I mean at this point he needs to do more than talk before you start rearranging your life again. I did the same thing. I moved into our "dream" home to give ourselves a fresh start and his old behavior came back and he wanted out again. We just got a contract on our "dream" home and I now live in MY home. Could we get back together someday? Of course. However, I want a clean break and now that he is coming back because he wants US not because he doesn't want the hassle of a divorce. Good luck. You are facing a difficult decision.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Sun, 05-21-2006 - 3:20pm
I say "take is SLOW".

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 1:51am
Thanks ladies! I've thought and thought about it this week. It seems kind of surreal in a way. I have hopes, but part of me says "hey...didn't you try this before and didn't he make promises before?" He talks of getting medicine for his depression, but hasn't made an appointment yet. He says he will give 100% when he moves back in. He says that it's hard to "date" me after 21 years of marriage. He says he's in limbo waiting to see if his house will sell to a developer. Hmm...lots of "says" there. I want him to give 100% today! I want to see changes and some medicine. I realize that even if he gets medical help, it may take a month before we see the effects. I'm worried because the court date is June 16. I'm thinking of asking the attorney for a postponement, rather than cancelling it right now. Christine, I'm so afraid that you may be right concerning postponing the inevitable. I don't want to drag this out, but I would love it if it'd work out. I just don't see him giving it his all. I see him thinking he will give it his all in the future...but then not being able and blaming me for wanting "too much, too soon." I think he wants to be the one in charge, but still not take any blame for whatever goes wrong. I don't think I'm unusual or needy for wanting a partner who will give his all to his marriage...affection, attention, and help. (get this...when I asked him about helping around the house, he said "there are just some things women do (clean, laundry, cook, etc) and some things men do (repairs, mow, etc) in a marriage. So if I vacuum, will you mow the yard?" Sheesh...he still doesn't get it! I work full time too, and the house/kids is another full time job. I'd love to trade taking care of the inside for mowing once a week! As my s-i-l says...they want a mommy with benefits. Jo
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 2:20am
Just my two cents coming in fresh.... It's MUCH easier to get remarried than to put the divorce on hold again.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 8:30am
:-)

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 9:31am

*snicker*

Much like my XH who told me he wanted me to be June Cleaver and I'm thinking the prefered the Wally or Beaver role to Ward!

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 1:11pm


I know the laws vary from state to state, but in CT, you can ask your attorney to file a motion "conciliation. That extends the proceedings out six months. At that time, you have to decide if you want to proceed with the divorce, or withdraw the motion to divorce. Also, if you decide sooner than the six months that you do want to divorce, you can withdraw the conciliation motion, and everything goes forward. I'd suggest asking your attorney if that' possible, just to buy yourself a little more time, if you feel you need it.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2006
Wed, 05-24-2006 - 8:21pm
Thanks again. I will ask my attorney tomorrow about the conciliation approach...or some type of postponement. We are legally separated and have a court date for the dissolution June 16. I don't know...my head (heart) is all in turmoil. What to do? Slow it down? Say no thanks, you should have done this before and now I'm afraid of what will happen down the road? Get the dissolution and start over? Hmmm.... I guess I'm a romantic person, and I want big overtures that he wants our marriage more than anything. He does "little things" which are nice, but I want to see some real committment and effort. I do want to be wined and dined. He'd so that for "a date". Why not for me? Well, anyway...it's food for thought this weekend. Take it slow and see what he proposes for the Memorial Day. I'm not going to push him to spend it with me and the kids. Let him come to ME. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Thu, 05-25-2006 - 8:19am

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