Now what?
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| Sun, 05-21-2006 - 11:06am |
Hi. Well, I have (hopefully!) good news....My stbx and I were in a viscious cycle of arguing/blaming for the past few years. We finally had enough and he moved out and we filed for dissolution in April. In the past six weeks, he would continue to have negative contact with me, interspersed with nice things. He seemed to make half-hearted attempts to spend time with me, but often I was to read his mind and make the first move. (Gee...my telepathic abilities seem to be broken...can't read minds anymore..haha!)
Anyway, with our June 16 court date quickly approaching, I finally just reached out, without any preconceived notions. I asked him to go out to dinner with all of us, and then come to "my" house to watch a movie. It was very nice and calm. No fighting so far this weekend. I have to admit that it's been nice to attend our daughter's crew race and prom activities together. I have always wanted my family intact and happy, but we just couldn't achieve that. There was too much anger. Anyway, we're starting to talk and he finally admitted that he needs some kind of medication for his depression. (although he says he's afraid to take it, feel better, and then decide he'd rather be a bachelor) As a matter of fact, I think he wasn't just getting away from me, I think he was escaping life in general.
So anyway, I'm wondering what will happen now. He says he wants me and our family/life. He says he love me. But...how long before it goes back to what it was? Since he's moved out, I've realized that I CAN do it on my own. I see now how much I did do when he lived here. I'm really not doing anymore than before he left. I also see that I don't want to re-enter that horrible cycle of fighting. We had gotten to the point where it seemed natural to fight constantly.
We almost dissolved our marriage a year ago. He had a breakdown and said he wanted to try again. I believed him. And we rushed into buying our dream house. Then he said he was miserable two months after moving in last October, so we put our house up for sale. Now he's talking about moving back in within a week or so, and what we can do to this house, as far as fixing up the rec room, etc. Part of me says "yes" and part of me is hesitant. I don't want to make another mistake, and have to start all over with the dissolution process again in the future. But...what if he is willing to get medical help and his anger has gone away?
*sigh* So much to think about. Thanks for listening, Jo

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Christine,
I'm not sure if he can make lasting changes. But I do know he can't do it without medication (he still hasn't called the doctor, but he says he's researching the net..hmmm..). I think he's past the anger of the past year. However, he's still not showing me he's 100% into making it work. Maybe he's cautious (he said he is excited, but cautious) and concerned about the outcome, just as I am. Is it so much for me to want extra attention/affection and help with the house and children? I don't want him to come back and then I feel like it's just more of the same, with me doing most of the work. My work load should decrease if he comes back. I think he's playing a form of chess..waiting for me to make the first move, and ask him back. I won't ask him back until I see some big changes, such as a visit to the doctor and the words/actions our marriage was lacking.
I am fortunate in that I have a good job with medical insurance. We have a nice home with a lot of equity, and our vehicles are paid off. I'm still relatively "marketable"..haha! I guess it could be worse. It's just getting over the hump...whether it is completely getting out on my own, or making the marriage work. Not for better or worse, but for the better. I don't want to drag it out....
I guess I'll have a wait-n-see attitude. Keep the court date, but see how the weekend goes. He says he will give more than 100% after he moves back in. What's wrong with giving it his all now? Doesn't make sense to me.
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