Offered to drive up to see him...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Offered to drive up to see him...
7
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 12:42pm

I emailed my stbx (who lives 5 hours away) and offered to drive up there for this long weekend so he could see our daughter...and I haven't heard a word back. He has only seen her for about 2 hours in the last month.

This is going to be the last time I can offer to drive my daughter to him because I'm going to be starting a new job next week.

It's very disappointing, but his loss I guess.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 12:52pm

I just talked to my stbx and he said that he has plans this weekend and can't see our daughter. He said that I didn't give him 7 days notice so he doesn't have to see her! The agreement that is not signed, says that he has to give me 7 days notice if he is not going to take his visitation.

I'm floored. If someone said my baby was going to be in town there is NO WAY I'd miss a chance to spend time with her.

I can't even understand how he could make it out like I was in the wrong for offering to let him see her on my dime, and on my time. He hasn't called in a while because he doesn't have money for a phone card and said she'll have to wait to hear from him once he gets paid. Now he's going out of town for the long weekend, on whose dime?

Why do I bother encouraging him to be a good father? It's obviously not in him anymore unfortunately.

Thanks for listening.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 1:18pm
HUGS! I know you are trying to do the right thing by encouraging a good relationship between your DD and your STBX. You have gone out of your way on numerous occasions to make sure he can speak to her, visit with
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2005
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 1:37pm

I spent many years including my x in my daughters' lives. When he came to town, I even offered to let him stay at our house and use one of our cars (my husband and I could car pool) so he could save on his expense. (We live in different states). I used to mail some of the little drawings them made so he could hang them on his refrigerator. I let him know when they had special events planned well in advance so that he could make the travel arrangements to attend if he was so inclined. As the primary custodial parent, that is all we can do.

You do not have to go out of your way to try to MAKE him a better parent. You just have to make it possible for him to be one if he chooses to be. When your child gets older, they figure out right away what the story is.

My daughters are 18 and 17. My 18 year old does not have any relationship with him at all and my 17 year old is at the cross roads now as to whether she will ever speak to him again. Yes, my heart aches for them, but this is something that he will have to live with for the rest of his life. It is afterall his own doing.

My daughters now ask me why did I always make excuses for him. I tell them that I did that because I wanted to protect them from the pain of knowing that their father is not mature enough to stop thinking about himself long enough to think about his children. I have never bad mouthed my x in front of my girls. However, at this point in their lives I tell them the truth. I do not respect him.

Justmee, you have to stop chasing him around trying to make him a responsible, loving father. The more you do that, the more he will rebel. Once you can do that, you will find peace. All you have to do is make sure that you do not hinder his attempts. In the long run, you will be the one smelling like a rose to your child.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2006
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 2:54pm

Thank you for the encouragement. Now I have to get over the fact that my stbx is trying to make me look like the bad guy. He tries to make it out like I never let him talk to our daughter and I'm keeping her from her family in NY. I've made it very clear to his Mother and sister in NY this I am not trying to do that, and from what they say they understand that clearly and do not feel I am keeping her from them.

I just need to stop worrying about what he thinks or says. He is never going to see the picture clearly until he is out of this selfish phase.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 3:20pm
Okay instead of getting mad. I would just say email him back and say, Okay just trying to make a nice gesture and bring her up to see you. Have a nice holiday weekend and leave it at that. Whatever his plans are, it doesn't matter. Let it go. You gotta stop worrying about what he thinks of you.


Edited 5/26/2006 3:23 pm ET by sniffle_sally
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2005
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 3:36pm

Let them know that they are more than welcome to call and visit. Tell them that they don't need to arrange it through your stbx, that they are welcome to schedule visits directly with you, actually that it is preferred. This way, your child gets to know both sides of the family and your contact with STBX will be limited.

I used to send holiday cards to the x and his family when my children were smaller. As they got older, I had them do the cards themselves as well as thank you cards for any gifts their father or his family may send to them. Even with my girls being the age that they are, I still have to make time for them to sit and do their cards...LOL. However, now it is their responsibility.

Your stbx cannot make you into anything. Let his family know that right now things are a bit strained as can be expected, but that you really encourage their contact with their grandchild and the best way to do that is through you. Once your child ages, your child can assume that responsibility.

Believe me, once you take control back, it cuts down on the aggravation. If he calls complaining, hang up. Let him know that if he doesn't talk to you like a human being, he will be talking to air. If he writes an e-mail soliciting an argument, don't answer it. He'll get the message.

As it stands right now even 16 years after our divorce, my x still says bad things to my daughter about me. He has already lost one and is losing the other. They are old enough now to put the pieces together themselves and they know how our life has been and who supported who. They know that when he says..... "she goes to church, I'm surprised her hair doesn't burst into flames"....LOL....sorry that was too funny!.... they know he is the one that can't let go and he is the one that lies to them all the time. Mom has always beem the one at all of my softball games, my dance recitals, my cheerleading games, my dare graduations, my first hair highlight, my graduations, and all of my school functions. She has coached my teams and worked volunteer hours for me. Mom has kissed my booboos and drew hearts with the medicine for me. She made cakes, went rollerskating, had pool parties... you get the picture. And where was dad? Believe me Justmee, they know who is and was there for them. And that's Ok.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2006
Fri, 05-26-2006 - 9:29pm

Justmee,

I suggest not trying to control the situation and just let it be. You'll be so much happier!

Be thankful that at least your child is not old enough to say "Cry me a river, Mom." When you are about to have a melt down!

Repeat after me, WWWWWaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Now, do you feel better? It usually makes me feel better just to let it out!

This too shall pass...by next week, all of this will be in the past and you will have something else to concentrate on. :D