OH GOD, CUSTODY BATTLE??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
OH GOD, CUSTODY BATTLE??
5
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 4:09pm

It's possible that I may have to go to court and file for sole visitation. I dread the can of worms this may open up. But all of a sudden now my ex wants to take the baby to Pennsylvania on Saturday with his preshcooler im sure. To supposedly see his uncle. The same uncle who didnt even show at the baby shower, hasnt even seen our son since he was born. Im afraid that he is trying to pull a fast one. Like trying to run off with our son. Since he lost his job he mentinoned he may move to PA and ask that chick to go with him. GAG. I have put off going to court b/c of his attitude when I took him to court for child support. Made a big deal, saying we should have worked it out between ourselves. So I've been trying to do that with visitation. But at the talk of having visitation through court before he said no judge should tell him when he can or cant see his own child. Says he rather not see him at all.

But I petrified he may try to snatch him to hurt me. he has so much anger still even thought he claims he still loves me. But every chance he gets throws this young girl in my face. What should I do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 4:38pm

I am not sure how you file for child support without being awarded some kind of custody. I would think they would have to document custody first, or at least temp custody at the same time. Just because you file doesn't mean you will end up with a custody battle. Just because he says he will fight you does not mean he can find an affordable attorney that will have any luck (unless he has been a primary or equal-time custodian to the child up to this point). As long as you are offering reasonable visitation, most courts will find that completely acceptable (unfortunately, because many dad's that want to be active and fully involved end up with weekends only just because the system says that is all dad's deserve to get, but in your case it will work in your favor).

Also, the judge doesn't have to make you spell out which days he can have visitation, as long as you and him are okay with that. The judge could just agree you have phyiscal custody, you have joint legal custody and visitation will be 'agreed to by the parties'. That would give you something in case he leaves the state and doesn't return, protecting your rights as CP, without him giving up something he currently has (flexible visitation).




Edited 5/5/2005 4:41 pm ET ET by firstamendment

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 5:00pm

So am I wrong if I dont let him take the baby to PA, until something is set in stone. See I think he tries to make me feel guilty, when he cant have his way with visitation, he accuses me of keeping the baby from him because we had an argument.

He did that last week, saying he wanted to pick him up on Saturday, his idea, I agreed, than he said something came up, he wasnt sure if he could pick him up at all, so I cancelled my plans. He's done this before.

I got pissed off, we argued, this happened Friday. Then he called me Sat. saying he was coming to get him again but I had stepped out and he left a nasty message accusing me of keeping the baby from him. He made it seem as though he was on his way to get him so I called him told him how dare you leave a nasty message like that on my machine, we argued again, he said he had to go his "girlfriend" was coming. Trying to be fair, I waited about 5 min, called him back asked him what time he wanted to pick him up, he said he's not coming back to brooklyn. They both live in Queens. To me he's playing games.

I spoke to a lawyer today and she said if he did take him and decide to keep him, he would have the right. Could even get custody in that state and I would have to fight for custody in return.

I just want to protect myself and the baby. I just fear that he will in return say he rather not see the baby at all, he's so immature. I just dont know when this will end.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2005
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 6:03pm

Hi again,

Just remember that it is he that loses in the end. If he is going to act childish and say "Well if I can't have it my way then it's no way at all." It's probably best not to let the child be with him right now until he can control himself in a mature manner.

Children learn by example. It is also better to have specified visitation rights as well. I delt with this and ex with his first wife. They had custody papers but they were not specific so there was no way to enforce them. She would with hold visitation for child support. That is illegal but she got away with it because the papers were not specific.

She lived in upstate NY and us in PA. Ten hours is a long way one way to hear "no you can't have them" even though it was previously agreed on. She ended up giving up custody of the girls because she couldn't stand that he got specific rights that would be upheld but the law. My oldest former SD is now 23 and living in Germany. She has only seen her mom because she chose to make the effort. Her sister is 18 and about to graduate in June. She hasn't seen her mom since she was 6yo. It is by choice of her mother though.

Some people are so selfish and into themselves that they can't see the true beauty right in front of them. If he chooses to be that way let him.Don't miss out the what is right in front of you. The only thing you can be concerned with is you and your son. My ex tried to tell me how much he loved me too all the while sleeping with and now living with another woman.

I know custody battles are no fun but sometimes nessacery to keep harmony and peace of mind.

Good Luck,
K :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Thu, 05-05-2005 - 10:15pm
Definitely listen to your lawyer, and get custody in writing through the courts asap. That is always a good idea. I was just saying I wasn't sure how you'd get child support without custody, but I am certainly no lawyer. If you don't have documentation that you have custody, he doesn't even need to ask to take the baby to PA. He could just say he's taking him for a few hours and then go to PA and not come back. I say get your attorney to file tomorrow if you can.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Fri, 05-06-2005 - 9:46am
Thanks for your input. I have not retained a lawyer yet but it seems like I cant delay it anymore, my ex just cant be trusted. I believe he may really be out for revenge in his sick mind. He blames me for current situation.