OH GOD! MEDIATORS REPORT CAME BACK !!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2006
OH GOD! MEDIATORS REPORT CAME BACK !!!!
8
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 6:21pm
Oh my god. Our mediation report came back favoring my STBX's request for 50-50 custody. I ache inside. I am so upset. Do the judges always impute the mediators recommendation? Oh please tell me this is not the end...my babies...oh my babies....
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2005
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 6:36pm

Hi hun --- I don't have any specific comments on the mediator question from you as our court ordered mediation resulted in his namecalling and supercilious jerk-itis kicking in, and the mediator telling me it was absolutely okay if wanted to end the meeting then.

I hear the hurt and urgent worry in your words though, and will pray for you and your sweet ones as you sort through this very hard part of the cruddy divorce process...Annah

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2006
Tue, 04-25-2006 - 9:39pm

I have been told that if the other parent shows interest e.g. "I just want to be a part of my child(ren)life." They will split it down 50/50. Doesn't mean they will continue that way. Mine didn't.

I have physical custody with joint custody. He gets EOW, every other holiday and every other week in the summer with a 2 week block of visitation. This will be my first year going through this but I am going to offer him the following (he lives 1 hr away from us):

He can have her one week out of the months of June, July and August. He can pick the week. Since I have to pay for daycare no matter if she goes I would like her all the other days of the month BUT I will give him credit for all of the days of the month EXCEPT for the 7 days he has her with him. Credit meaning he can claim our DD was with him continously for 23 days straight.

we will see if he goes for it. He doesn't pay his child support as it is now so what would be the difference if I gave him credit for it?

Good luck! How odl are your kids?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2004
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 11:03am

May I ask why you would oppose 50/50?

You have the option of requesting that the mediators report be thrown out. Then you are entering into a custody battle and that can be very expensive and may yield the same results.

Do you have an attorney? What are they recommending?

We have 50/50 and it works great for the kids and the parents. It did take some convincing on BM's part so I understand the initial reluctance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 11:22am

lisa, when my ex first hit me with the proposition of a 50/50 split, I was horrified. After all, I had been the one raising this child 90% of the time while he went out and did whatever he wanted!! Who the heck was he.............


Then I stopped. I asked myself what I was so upset about. First, I feared that the ex wouldn't care for him as well as I did. Second, I was sad about giving up extra time with DS. Third, and most important, I realized I feared giving up a lot of control over my son's life. But in the end, I realized it wouldn't be as tragic as I initially thought. It would give DS the opportunity to make up for lost time with his dad, and to finally have him be an integral part of his life. I will say, the divorce has made my ex 100 times better a father than he was before.


Our custody arrangement ended up being a 55/45 arrangement, but I do usually get extra time. In the end, my ex realized that a straight 50/50 wouldn't give him enough free time. So even if you start out with one custody arrangement, it can change over time.


I will tell you, prepare yourself mentally for a 50/50 split, because it is a possibility. And in the end, it may work out well for your children. But I do understand your fear and reservations.




What lies behind us and lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2004
Wed, 04-26-2006 - 11:51am

Honey I feel for you as I am going through a custody battle as well. My ex was joint custody. But as I understand it there are two types: joint legal and joint physical. It is still unclear for me as to which he is seeking. That issue is something that I will have my lawyer address when we are back in court May 22nd.

For you does this mean that your ex wants both physical and legal custody. How old are your children? Do you have a lawyer? What was his excuse for taking you to court? My ex claims I have kept the baby from him. Not true though. I, my ex, and my son all have lawyers. I too am opposed of splitting the physical custody with my ex. I dont even think the joint will work for us because we dont get along well. He has been verbally abusive to me and doesnt like to discuss anything. Now him and his lawyers are trying to saying there is a history of mental illness in my family and with me. A real s.o.b.

What is the story with the two of you, do you communicate well? What state do you live in? Because Im in New York and we did mediation also. Apparently the mediation session are confidential.

Hang in there honey. I know its scary. It is for me to, its all I can think about. We have to continue to pray.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 10:39am

You may not like it, but courts nowadays are VERY pro-father. Fact. Most Dads who petition for it will get 50/50 possession unless the child (older) opposes it, he's documented as abusive/neglectful, or somebody moves away.

I fought it and ended up with 50/50 shared possession and I think my ex is not a good parent. I agree with the other posters in that it probably isn't worth the fight and also agree with their take that possession/living arrangements CHANGE. Frankly, I'm surprised a mediator would recommend shared possession like this if ya'll live an hour apart. In planning these arrangements, you need to consider the logistics of transferring "stuff" and getting the child to their school and activities--hard if you live far apart. My ex and I live 1 mile apart in the same school attendance zone. So it's no big deal if something is forgotten at the other parent's home (my ex is a terrible packer for my DD and every time something is forgotten), but he drops it by. I also make it a priority to see my DD some times during Dad's week by volunteering at her school, going to have lunch, leading her scout troop, going to her extracurricular stuff, etc. We stay connected, it doesn't interfere with Dad's time. He doesn't do the same, btw.

Things WILL CHANGE, my ex threw my teen daughter out of his house not long ago, so after fighting me for shared possession for two years, she now lives with me 24/7 thankfully. He threw my older son out last year. My younger girl seems most of the time to like being half time at Dad's house--she's finally getting SOME attention from him, even IF he's not around very much. It's not perfect, but it's not worth the fight to change it.

My main point is, fighting this might not be worth the heartache. BTDT And it IS survivable, with effort.

Momsacupcake

Edited 4/28/2006 10:43 am ET by momsacupcake




Edited 4/28/2006 10:44 am ET by momsacupcake
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2003
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 6:20pm

I got 80/20 with joint legal. I had a lawyer and there was no way after him having an affair, an other child during the marriage, and just leaving my son and I one day while I was at work, he was going to be rewarded.

He gets to have our son whenever he wants him - we have a cordial relationship now. My lawyer insisted that he not have 50/50 on paper, my now ex was irate, but he had no money for a lawyer. My lawyer was indicating that in my ex's case he would try to get 50/50 to get out of paying child support - and he was right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 04-28-2006 - 7:26pm

I had a custody evaluation where the mediator sided with the current arrangement. When we went to court, the judge went against the mediator's report and gave STBX more time with the kids.

Looking back, my mistake was not asking my lawyer to point out certain parts of the custody evaluation that went along with my reservations and reasons for not wanting to give him more time.

Maybe you can have your lawyer stress the reasons why you are against 50/50 whether or not it was mentioned in the custody evaluation.

Good luck. Let us know how it goes.