Oh is he working it

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Oh is he working it
5
Sat, 07-01-2006 - 9:38pm
I am so fed up with stbx. Here I am trying to get off the roller coaster and he keeps trying to put me back on for one more ride. We had ONE counseling session and he decided it wasn't "wise" for him to continue. Then he tells his attorney that we are reconciling. My attorney gets ticked, I get ticked and we give him a deadline of yesterday to accept our settlement offer or we go to psych evaluations and set a final court date. No response from him of course. BUT, I go to individual counseling Thursday and am told by my therapists that stbx is now coming and there is "hope" for us. That all of our problems are "external" and can be worked out. True I do love him and don't want the divorce but I'm not stopping it and I told the therapist that. This isn't about what I want or what he wants. This is about what is best for ALL of the children. Get this. I sponsered a hole yesterday at a golf tournament. At the end of it a drunk golfer ran me over. Ok, he didn't just run over my foot and that was it. He clipped me from behind, I went down he went over my foot and stopped. I'm screaming expletives at him to get off my flippen foot and he proceeds to back over it. UGH!!! So it is swelling up and looking awful so I go to the ER. STBX has the kids call me just as I am getting my xrays. I tell him what happened and that I will call the kids back in a little bit. Anywho, he brings them home tonight, drops them off and off he goes. There isn't any "how is your foot" "are you ok". I even gave him an extra key lime pie I had (his favorite). Now I ask you girls, does that sound like someone who wants to reconcile or someone who doesn't want the divorce and is "working" the situation? He is just trying to control things. I state this proclomation here and now. I am following through with this divorce. I will not back down. If my dear husband can not once tell ME that he doesn't want this divorce. If he can not tell ME that he wants me and loves me. If he can not tell ME that we, the kids and I, are the most important things to him. If he can not tell ME that he has problems and is willing to work on them. If he can not come out of his defensive shell, grow a pair and act like a man who wants to fight for his family then.......the heck with it. I will not back down. Bring on the psych evaluation, bring on the court date, bring on the final papers. I CAN do this and by george I know it is the right thing. Now, girls I need to go put more ice on my big, black, well now it is purple and red toe, LOL.
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 8:23am

Wooohooo! You go, girl! Take a stand! I am a firm believer that we must trust our instincts, first and foremost. Whenever I don't trust my gut, I always end up making a mistake or a poor choice. If you know in your heart that this marriage must end, then it needs to end. And it's not like you just woke up one morning and decided this on a whim.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 9:30am

soccermommic...

Nobody can be "taken for a ride" if that person REFUSES TO GET IN THE CAR!

It's clear (in PG's head anyway) that you will never get the response(s) from the stbx that you desire? So despite whatever friends, family and "therapy-meisters" may tell you, GO WITH YOUR GUT!

As I've mentioned so many times on these boards, MEN WILL NEVER BEHAVE, REACT OR RESPOND THE WAY THEIR WOMEN WANT OR EXPECT THEM TO 100% OF THE TIME!

This is a fact of life about us that "the opposite sex" refuses to understand or accept.

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 10:02am
Well, my foot is now a beautiful yellowish purple, LOL. I am taking my stand. I can admire the therapists for doing his "job" to save this marriage but he is going to have to settle for helping us co-parent as a divorced couple. I am not stopping or putting on hold this divorce. I just have too many alarms bells going off in my head and stomach. I see stbx lips moving and hear his words but his actions don't match up. I have made my decision. I filed for the divorce. I started this and yes, I will end it. The worse thing I could do is stop it, let him back in and a year from now be in the same postion. That wouldn't be fair for anyone involved. Especially for the kids. They are hurting, I am hurting but it is always easier to rip the bandage off quickly than to nip and tug at it a little at a time.
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 10:09am
Honey, I'm not getting on that ride. I said a few weeks ago I was getting off the roller coaster and heading over to the ferris wheel and I mean it. I am not going backwards, only forwards. Does that mean I can't cry a little over the loss? Well no, of course not. It hurts. This whole thing sucks. But I'm not giving in or going to be "worked" or manipulated. I know in my gut stbx is only saying what he thinks I want to hear. I have my mental checklist of what would have had to happen to stop all this. We are now past the saving part. Now we can just hope, pray and work on being good parents that no longer live together.
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2005
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 12:56pm

Ok so I read your posts under this one and the diva's one. I had to stop and make sure I had not posted in my sleep. Your going through what I am. I want to make things work, I want to not give up a 19 year relationship, but apparently I don't want to see what's right in front of me, the obvious. During my session the other day my councilor made so many things apparent to me. It's clear he does not want me and maybe never has. He does not care that we are struggling finacially (tells me all the things he spends money on), he NEVER asks how I'm doing or how I have been, he takes no time to see the girls unless they call or his family makes plans (then he needs them for show). What does that say about how he see's me and the girls? Not much huh.

She also gave me a few good anaolgys. One I really like but I know I'm going to slaughter here so forgive me. She told me about a study that was done with dogs in cages, the dogs were put in cages some could open the door when shocked and some could not. Those that could not learned that when they were shocked to stay in the cage, even when they opened the door and the dogs could clearly leave, they had to be coaxed out. It's called learned helplessness. That's me, I'm trying to stay where I am because it's all I know. I'm ready to see what it outside of that cage.

She also told me that just because one black dog bites you does not mean that all black dogs will bite you. I think she was really into dogs that day.

My husband has been telling me I'm not sure I'm not sure, I suggested talking to someone to mediate us. As soon as I said it he began I don't want to be with you I never cared for you, I'm not physically attracted to you and on and on. I stupidly begged him not to quit, oops my mistake. He called the next day to see how I was, he was surprised when I was cold and informed him I had not changed my mind. Last night at the circle track races he kept standing close to me, putting his arm around me and then at the end of the night he came up behind me put his arms around me, grabbed my hand and kissed my neck. It took everything I had not to flatten him out!!! But I did resist and he knew there was a change in me. Our girls came home last night and he is coming by for dinner tonight, maybe, if he does not forget. So we will see what happens. However, I'm done. Can't do this. Anniversary is in two weeks, next race, when he asked the date of the next race last night he did not even blink when I told him the day, no acknowledgement it was our 17th anniversary.

Point being stay strong, I know it hurts believe me I hit a low again and I've been so sad. But I'm starting to see clearly through the tears and see how much better life can be alone. I keep reminding myself of all of the reasons why we are in this place. Forgot to make my list before he left, wanted to, but I think I need to make it now of why I did not want to be married to him.

Stay strong remember you are doing this for a better life. And it's hard for us to believe in a better life when we are still grasping at what once was or what we believe could be, but if they had as much desire to make that life as we do then.....we would not be in this place. Put your energy to better things.

Have a great day, do something that makes you feel good. Go buy a slice of your favorite pie (not key lime!)